Our friends are the lights of our lives, the wind beneath our wings, and every other cliché that was made to describe love but would be equally applicable for the people we call our friends—because they’re just that great. But every so often, this wonderful person we call our nearest and dearest will bring someone around that stops us in our tracks (in the worst way possible). Loser blindness can impact even the best of people sometimes.
Now, when you think so highly of your friends, it can feel like no one would ever be good enough (because no one is, duh). So you may have slightly higher standards than you’d even have for yourself. In situations like this, it might just be your protectiveness and love for your friend that may be making you judge a bit harsher. But unfortunately, sometimes, despite how much benefit of the doubt we give our friends’s S.O.—they’re, in fact, displaying loser behavior and veering into “not a good person” territory.
While psychologist Dr. Eli Kraiem would strongly advise against using the term “loser”—sorry Dr. Kraiem, I’m going to do it anyway—he does agree that there are specific behavioral and emotional patterns that would define a person as such. And these patterns typically involve shirking responsibility and blaming other people when things in life go wrong.
“They have little motivation to develop themselves and grow in several areas, including their career, personal growth, and social life,” he says. “They may also rely on their partner financially, blame their partner for their own failures, struggle to get their career off the ground, have no hobbies, few friends, and ultimately seem to have little control or autonomy over their own life.”
How to Deal With a Friend’s Loser Partner the Right Way
When we think our friend’s partner is a loser, odds are that we’re just observing a characteristic in them that we think is a huge red flag. Maybe our friend tells us that their partner always conveniently “forgets” their wallets before dates, asks them if they “should really be wearing that,” or has a bad habit of texting their ex. This is all loser behavior that I, for one, would want to point out to my friend.
But you can’t come out and just say, “Sarah, your boyfriend is a loser,” because she may not exactly take that well. “Instead, I suggest describing what you observe in their partner that is concerning to you,” Dr. Kraiem says.
He says to start with what you notice about how your friend acts or feels around their partner—do they seem unhappy? Constantly exhausted? Always the one taking care of the partner? Pointing these patterns out can help start the conversation of what your friend is looking for.
“You can also ask your friend whether they are feeling that their needs are being fulfilled in the relationship,” he says. “When we ask these types of questions, we are expressing concern and care rather than judgment.”
If you can see the lightbulb in their head go on, it’s likely they’re starting to notice what you do. Or—even better—they already noticed these things and just needed an outside party to validate their feelings.
In situations like this, you can say things like, “It seems like your partner isn’t really treating you how you deserve.” But it’s not up to you to make the call on whether your friend breaks up with them or not.
There’s also the chance that they don’t receive your “feedback” well. We get defensive about our romantic relationships and—even if someone is right—it can be hard not to feel like a criticism of our partner is a criticism of ourselves. If you sense your friend starting to get sensitive, you probably shouldn’t start pushing. At the end of the day, they have to decide what they want out of their relationship.
And while you can’t exactly break up with your friend’s partner for them (as much as you’d like to), you can set boundaries around your own friendship. If their partner’s loserish behavior becomes a consistent topic of conversation and it feels like your friend isn’t interested in reexamining the relationship, you have every right to let them know you’d rather stay out of it. Again, you probably don’t want to say something like, “I’m sick of hearing about your loser partner!”
Instead, try saying something along the lines of “I love you and I want to be happy, but it feels like you’re complaining about your partner a lot. I’ve told you how I felt about their behavior and if you’re choosing not to do anything about it, I’d like for us to limit how much we talk about it.”
This of course may feel like a gut punch to your friend, but sometimes you have to put your foot down for your own sanity. It’s bad enough that your friend is dating a loser—it’s understandable that you don’t want to have to be reminded of it every day.
In most cases, voicing your opinion and giving your friend the space to make their own decisions is the best thing you can do as a friend. That, and pray that their loser partner doesn’t become their loser spouse.