I Promised My Boyfriend I’d Have Sex a Certain Way for a Year. I Can Already Tell It’s Not Going to Work.

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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

Earlier this year, my longtime boyfriend asked if I would consider going monogamous after almost a decade together. Prior to this, I was having sex with one or more other guys a week, largely regulars, some of whom I’ve known longer than I’ve been in this relationship. I agreed to try it because I always left it up to him and told him we could talk if his feelings changed (he used to say it didn’t bother him either way, but he never saw other guys as far as I know). At first, it was nice directing all of my sexual energy toward him. I’m one of those guys whose sex drive exploded in his 30s, and though he’s more of a once-a-week kind of guy, he’s been willing to meet me where I am—trying things he’s not otherwise really into, giving me head if he’s not in the mood for sex himself, and so on. But almost a year in, something is happening that I really, truly do not like.

Lately, I really, really miss having sex with other guys. A lot. I’ve stayed off the apps, but a lot of these guys have my number and text me to hook up. Recently, one of the hottest and most “talented” guys I used to hang out with texted that he was back in town, and I nearly invited him over. I stopped myself.

have to say: I really, really miss having sex with other guys. A lot. I’ve stayed off the apps, but a lot of these guys have my number and text me to hook up. Recently, one of the hottest and most “talented” guys I used to hang out with texted that he was back in town, and I nearly invited him over. I stopped myself.

My boyfriend is well aware I’m struggling with this, but I promised him a trial of at least a year, and I feel like a weak idiot. What’s weird is prior to this relationship, I was monogamous with another guy for nearly a decade. I know I’m capable. But how do people do this when they have gotten so used to the sluttier life? It was honestly therapeutic in a way for me to see my other dudes. I’m sort of shocked how much it affected me when I stopped. I should add that even when the year is up, I’m pretty sure my boyfriend wants this arrangement to be permanent, and he’s not into the idea of sleeping with another guy together—some of my old regulars know who he is and offered their services in a very low-pressure way, and he demurred. Help a hopelessly horny guy out?

—Down Bad

Dear Down Bad,

The at-least-a-year trial was for both of you, at least putatively. You have put in the time in a good faith effort to provide for your partner, and now you’re realizing that it doesn’t suit you. This is not a failure on your part. There are people who seem more geared toward monogamy and those who feel more at peace, more like themselves, in an open arrangement. Just because you were successful at something in the past doesn’t mean it’s right for you now, or in the future. Many gay men, for example, have had sex and relationships with women—some have even enjoyed them. But at a certain point, they realized that it wasn’t for them anymore. Evolution is change through growth. You are who you are as a result of an ineffable mix of natural predispositions and experiences. Many people feel non-monogamous not by choice, but as if they’re wired that way. Research has indicated that the brains of monogamous and non-monogamous men differ in response to romantic stimuli, suggesting that this wiring may go beyond just feeling and into actual biology. Don’t be hard on yourself for discovering the relationship style that best suits you.

The thing about this trial is that if your boyfriend was not hooking up with other people, as you suspect, it was concocted as a referendum on your sexuality. I don’t think that’s always a bad thing; your boyfriend may have wondered about your capacity for self-control or just felt lacking in your attention. I think some clarity as to why this period of monogamy was important to him would be useful. Ask him what his motivation was for proposing it. And I think you should share with him the realizations you extracted from the trial, the big one being that monogamy isn’t really for you. You have varying sex drives and non-monogamy is one way to negotiate those differences—but only if everyone is on board.

If you’re right and your boyfriend doesn’t want to open things back up when the year is over, consider how you will respond. Is it worth stifling a part of yourself that has announced itself pretty loudly for the sake of this relationship? Or is it time to consider whether or not you’re actually compatible with someone who wants less sex than you and doesn’t want you seeing other people to get it? Some relationships really are worth the sacrifice. But just know that you’ll probably keep wanting to venture out to your sluttier paths, at least for a while, and that not doing so may have the effect of sadly looking out a window, thinking about the fun that you aren’t having. Can you live like that?

—Rich

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