There are innumerable types of people in the world, and most of us have our own unique way of looking at life.
For example, there are those who go to a doctor when something hurts, and then there are those who decide the answer is to rub yak’s milk on their forehead while lying on a bamboo mat listening to a man called “Eagle Spirit” play a flute made out of tofu. The result is an epic showdown. Orthodox Medicine vs Alternative Therapies. It's almost like pitching a Formula-1 car against a man on a unicycle claiming he can beat Lewis Hamilton if the moon is in “creative alignment with the universe.”
Rushed but amazingly competent
Let’s get one thing straight: modern medicine is incredible. It’s the only field where a surgeon can literally replace your heart, yet people will still complain because that surgeon didn’t smile enough.
Today's doctors have tools so advanced, they make the Starship Enterprise look like a farm-yard tractor. MRI scanners, robotic surgery, lasers and a whole plethora of medicines are all marvels of modern science. Basically, what orthodox medicine does actually works. At least, it does most of the time. Not “works if you believe,” or “works if the healing spirits are in a good mood,” but actually works in the real world. That's because it’s all been tested by serious-looking people with clipboards and half-moon spectacles. If your appendix bursts, you probably won’t go to see a woman with wind chimes. You’re far more likely to go to visit a surgeon who can operate whilst humming Coldplay.
But here's the kicker. Doctors are also notoriously rubbish at one key thing. Being human. After sitting for two hours in a waiting room, you’ll get a seven-minute consultation, a frown, a prescription and a gentle reminder to leave the consultation room before you somehow infect the carpet.
Alternative therapists
Alternative therapy is the exact opposite. It’s warm, it's cuddly, and it smells of lavender and slightly damp curtains. The practitioners tend to have a chilled, tranquil facial expression. These people welcome you into a dimly lit room filled with candles, whale music and a gong so large it could probably communicate with the Voyager spacecraft. Then, they do things. Things that range from pleasant and relaxing all the way to completely barking mad.
Acupuncture: Is a case of stabbing you with needles until you start feeling better. Oddly, this actually has some science behind it, which makes it one of the few alternative therapies that isn’t completely invented by hobbits.
Reiki: Someone waves their hands above you without actually touching you. Basically, it's the same treatment you’d get from standing too close to a drunken stranger on a bus.
Reflexology: This is a matter of pressing bits of your feet in order to fix your liver. Yes, apparently your toes control everything, except your common sense.
Crystal healing: You lie there while someone arranges pretty rocks on your chest. Parabéns, you’ve become a sort of gullible shelf. That'll be €75 please.
Cupping: Great, if you fancy some giant purple suction marks all over your back. You’ll be love-bitten by hot cups, making you look like you’ve been passionately hugged by a huge octopus. If you ask nicely, you can be transformed into a dalek.
They can still get it wrong
Doctors may save your life, but they are also guilty of running late. A Consultant is only good if you have to wait half a day to see one (for just three minutes) only to discover he or she has the wrong case notes. Yes, they give you expensive pills to fix the problem, only to create three more in the process. Consultants also speak in medical English instead of normal English, so even when you do manage to see a Consultant, you won't have a solitary clue what they're on about.
What’s the solution?
Use both. Seriously. Modern medicine keeps you alive while alternative therapies stop you from wanting to punch everyone at the Intermarché checkout queue. Doctors fix the machine whilst therapists make life feel a bit less like you’ve been trapped in an endlessly malfunctioning washing machine. One lot saves your organs, and the other ones save your sanity.
Generally, we can trust doctors with our health, whilst we can trust alternative therapists with managing our stress levels and emotional well-being. But trust neither with your money.