I Know I Shouldn’t Be Taking Care of My Granddaughter. My Daughter Won’t Accept It.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I watch my 12-year-old granddaughter, “Rose,” after school until my daughter “Cathy” gets off work. Rose is autistic. Sometimes it goes fine, and sometimes she can’t regulate. As she gets older and I get older, it has become more difficult; she’s getting stronger and I’m not. Last month, Rose had a meltdown in the pharmacy parking lot and ran into the traffic lane, and I couldn’t stop her. She could have been hit by a car. I was terrified and told Cathy that I wasn’t able to safely care for Rose anymore, but she said there is nowhere else for Rose to go.

Cathy works a shift job, so her schedule isn’t flexible. The district doesn’t offer after-school care for kids Rose’s age. My daughter can’t afford a babysitter every day, and neither can I. There’s a non-profit afterschool program, but it’s currently full, still expensive, and iffy about accommodating children with special needs. Our rural area doesn’t have many other options, but I feel that Rose being with me isn’t safe. How do I deal with this when being unsafe with me seems like the best among bad options? I’m afraid that my grandchild is going to be seriously hurt while in my care.

—Scared Grandma

Dear Scared Grandma,

I understand why Cathy would have a hard time accepting that what worked for Rose for a long time is no longer working. But I think you’re most likely correct that the current after-school care situation is not sustainable over the long term, for you or for Rose. You need to try talking with your daughter about this again, making it clear that you love both her and Rose and want to be able to help as much as you can, but your granddaughter’s safety has to be the top priority.

Many school systems, rural or not, don’t provide free or subsidized after-school care. But you mentioned that your local school system does have an after-school program; Rose is just ineligible due to her age. It might be possible for Cathy to call an IEP meeting and argue that Rose should be eligible based on her disability and her needs. She could try to make the case that Rose needs to be able to transition safely between school and home and have reliable after-school care in order to access her education. If the school is unable to or won’t provide it, perhaps they can help connect your daughter to state and local agencies that assist families in meeting complex care needs and finding qualified respite caregivers.

Any changes in Rose’s care will take time to sort out, which is why it’s important for Cathy to start working on this as soon as possible. As the parent of two neurodivergent children with complex medical needs, I know how it feels to be in survival mode, hoping that the status quo somehow remains workable. I also know the terror and anxiety you felt when Rose took off in the parking lot. Cathy needs to hear from you directly, again, that you cannot physically keep Rose safe any longer. Reiterate that she could have been seriously hurt or even killed when she ran from you, and so you cannot continue to be her regular caregiver.

If you feel able, I would try to set some sort of deadline, so Cathy understands that you can’t accept caregiving responsibility for Rose over the long term and she needs to figure out a more feasible long-term option. Offer to help with advocacy, phone calls, documentation, whatever your daughter needs to do to try to find another care situation for Rose. And while you are still watching your granddaughter after school, do your best to try to limit the possible consequences of her impulsivity or meltdowns: Don’t bring her out with you to run errands. Don’t bring her to busy parking lots. If she’s a flight risk in your home, make sure she can’t easily unlock the doors herself. Keep your home setting as safe and calm and sensory trigger-free as you can.

I know it may feel terrible to tell your daughter that this needs to change. But as you already know, Rose’s safety is not just a priority, it is non-negotiable. Plenty of other things can and will be compromises or works in progress, but not this. You love your granddaughter very much, and so you do not want to extend an arrangement that has become unsafe for her.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 27-year-old nephew, “Owen,” is a complete asshole when it comes to pranks. His recent “highlights” include telling my mom that his new girlfriend was vegan—she went out of her way to make multiple vegan dishes, only to find out Owen was lying. At a family wedding, he rearranged the letters on the marquee board to something crude instead of the bride and groom’s names. The things he does always affect or offend other people, and his mom (my sister) thinks his actions are hilarious.

Recently, my daughter announced her engagement. After talking to us, she has decided not to invite my nephew or his mom to the wedding, and we agree. We don’t know what Owen will do for laughs, and my daughter is afraid that my sister would bring Owen as her plus-one. The invitations won’t be sent out for several months. But my sister is already talking about how excited she is to get a family picture with everyone. Only it won’t be the whole family, because she and Owen won’t be there! Should we give her a heads-up that she and Owen will not be invited? Should we let her find out when she doesn’t get an invitation in the mail? If she doesn’t bring it up, should we do the same, and risk her and Owen crashing the party?

—They’re Not Invited

Dear They’re Not Invited,

Everyone has the right to invite whoever they want to their wedding. That doesn’t mean that other people won’t have feelings about it. Particularly in this case, since it sounds like your sister and her son are the only family members struck from the guest list.

Look, I get it. Owen sounds insufferable. Weddings are stressful enough without having people you really don’t want there. To avoid a big family row, I suppose I might have tried to tell Owen no pranks allowed and your sister that you’re holding her partially responsible for his behavior at the wedding, and then crossed my fingers? But I see why your daughter wouldn’t want to risk that, and no one is entitled to a wedding invitation.

It does feel a bit craven to let your sister go on about getting that big family photo when she and Owen won’t be there. “Let them find out when everyone else gets invited and they don’t” also doesn’t seem like it will go over super well. Then again, I doubt it’s going to go over well no matter what you say—they probably won’t be any happier if you tell them, “Everyone will be there except you two!” rather than letting your silence (and the lack of embossed invitations) speak for you. The result is the same; the second option just has the distinction of being kind of passive-aggressive, too.

I don’t know how worried you actually are about the possibility of crashing. If you’re pretty sure they would, then maybe there’s some case to be made for trying to talk to them about it ahead of time and head off disaster rather than leaving them out altogether. If you don’t invite them, I don’t think there is any way to ensure that they feel good about it—your only move is to acknowledge that they may be quite hurt or upset, and accept that as a consequence of your decision.

—Nicole

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