I am a “paragraph” woman. This means that in text arguments with a partner, friend, and yes, even my sister, I like to send a paragraph. Okay, paragraphs.
My words often consist of a thesis statement (“I think it’s funny how...”), supporting sentences (“Every time this has happened...”), and of course a conclusion (“If you don’t start considering the way your actions affect me...”). Most of the time, my essays are filled with eloquent prose and a clear message. Occasionally, they’re just an angry garbled mess of words. And while I’ve gotten much better at only sending the former kinds of texts, I’m still very pro-paragraphs. I have never regretted sending a single one.
The response from my recipients is mixed. In the past if I was arguing with a partner, these paragraphs would be met with annoyance and the accusation that I was “doing too much.” Even my friends sometimes joke that they’re afraid of being on the receiving end of “one of my paragraphs.” I, however, have never let this affect the way I communicate—especially because I send the paragraphs for me.
“It may take a lot of words to communicate and that is okay,” licensed psychologist Dr. Melissa Gluck tells Cosmopolitan. “Sometimes you have something meaningful to say and writing gives you the space to organize your thoughts and express yourself without being interrupted.”
It’s Good for Your Health
It’s true: I’m a writer. It’s not my fault that I feel the need to express myself via text—it’s just how I operate! And secondly, I used to be the person that hated confrontation. I didn’t like addressing things and I let feelings eat me up inside. Even when I knew for a fact that the person on the other end was mistreating me, I’d keep my responses to a minimum to avoid causing any issues.
Sending my words in an uninterrupted block has taken away the fear of causing an issue.
It’s well known that keeping things bottled up inside is not healthy, and can cause problems. I’m not trying to keep my cortisol levels consistently high! I like to think of my paragraphs as my first line of defense against making myself literally sick with rage. When I feel something these days, I say it. And I think that more people should be doing the same—and not just for your health.
It’s Good for Your Relationship
“When you consistently avoid saying how you feel, the feeling doesn't just go away.” Dr. Gluck says. “It may show up as resentment, emotional distance, or agreeing to things you don't actually want.”
She explains that over time, this causes a cycle of constantly ignoring your own pain. And if you’re in a relationship, you’re essentially setting yourself up for failure. When you avoid saying how you feel, you’re basically giving your relationship fewer chances to be repaired because your partner can’t read your mind to figure out what may be bothering you.
If the goal is to prove you care less, what are you actually winning?
—Dr. Melissa Gluck
Some people avoid saying what they feel because they’re afraid of being viewed as “caring too much.” I stopped pretending to be nonchalant a long time ago.
“If the goal is to prove you care less, what are you actually winning?” Dr. Gluck asks. She explains that while people may want to protect themselves, pretending to not care about things and other people can get in the way of forming a meaningful connection with someone.
These days, people make it seem like feelings are embarrassing and they make us week. But this is far from the truth—our feelings are what makes us human! Now, this doesn’t mean that every single feeling we have is worth sending a paragraph over.
Still, Sometimes, It’s Not the Best Option
While I feel like I’m at a place with my relationships that I only bring out my paragraphs when I really feel like something needs to be resolved in that moment, that wasn’t always the case.
“Some women feel like they have to over-explain in order to get their point across and be understood,” Dr. Gluck says. When I first learned how to express myself, I’ll admit that I didn’t always know when to do it and how to do it in a healthy way. Sometimes, I still feel like I have to over-justify my feelings. This is why it’s important to learn how to communicate your needs without feeling obligated to build a case for having needs at all.
A thoughtful paragraph and a series of escalating texts are very different interactions that will elicit very different responses.
One way to do this is to slow down, take a break, and give yourself time to settle into the emotions you’re feeling. Dr. Gluck advises checking in with yourself and getting to the root of why you feel the need to explain yourself. Are you trying to help your partner understand you? Are you asking for your needs to be met? Or are you just trying to get some sort of immediate reassurance or validation?
It’s important to keep yourself from word vomiting, because you may overwhelm the other person without really explaining what it is you’re feeling. Dr. Gluck explains that a thoughtful paragraph and a series of escalating texts are very different interactions that will elicit very different responses.
And sometimes—as much as I hate to admit it—a paragraph just isn’t the best option. “Text leaves out tone and real-time clarification, so some conversations may just benefit from moving to a call or talking in person,” Dr. Gluck says.
As much as I’m more of a writer than I am an orator, I do know that some of my biggest conflicts were resolved in person. An IRL conversation will more often than not be the best option when you’re trying to mend things.
But, if your goal is to give the other person a piece of your mind and then never see them again: Send that paragraph. I promise you’ll feel a lot better for it.