Recently, I Noticed Something New On My Lover’s Genitals. It Had Better Not Be What I Think It Is.

Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily.

How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

The other day I noticed my FWB had some tiny brown spots on his penis and his balls that looked like freckles. I hadn’t noticed them before and in all the times we hooked up over the last year and a half. I did not say anything in the moment, but did stop giving him a BJ. We snuggled instead. When he went home, I Googled what I thought I saw and discovered it could be genital warts. The next morning I mentioned this to him in a text and asked when he last had his sexual health checked. While he replied with a video and said he checked, he did not see anything on his member. He never answered my question though. Do I prod further or insist he go to the doctor? For the record, I get tested frequently even though he is my only sexual partner. And thankfully always tested negative.

—Is It What I Think It Is?

Dear Is It What I Think It Is?,

What you saw already threw you enough to make you retreat from his dick. I can’t imagine you wanting to hook up with him again without finding resolution in your inquiry. I would continue the conversation. You saw what you saw. He’s effectively telling you that he didn’t. That doesn’t really bode well for open and honest communication moving forward, but you can at least counter him. Remind him that the spots weren’t there last time you saw him naked and that your eyes, in fact, work. Also note that warts tend to be raised bumps, unlike freckles, so if there wasn’t texture to the spots you may be mistaken. Don’t let him gaslight you but also hear him out.

I wouldn’t insist that he go to the doctor so explicitly; I would say that until he gets checked out and his tests come back negative, you’re no longer interested in having sex with him. You have to advocate for yourself here. Definitely keep up with your tests. HPV is highly contagious. If he has it, there’s a good chance that you do as well. That’s not the end of the world—screening can identify precancerous cells that need removal. If you haven’t received the Gardasil vaccine, consider it.

Dear How to Do It,

I’ve got a problem that in another context might be seen as an asset: suddenly, I’m incredibly horny. All the time. I’m a straight guy about to turn 30, and in the past six years or so my libido has just exploded off the charts like I’ve never experienced before, not even as a teen. I can’t stop thinking about sex, fantasizing about it and fixating on it, and I can’t even escape when I sleep because it’s all I dream about. I’ve tried meditation and coping methods designed for quelling intrusive thoughts and I masturbate constantly but I’ve had no success in stemming the flood of sexual thoughts coming at me every moment. I’m horny everywhere. It’s even affecting my finances as I can’t seem to stop myself from paying way too much for interactive porn content.

At first I thought it was deprivation finally coming for me since I haven’t had sex in eight years, but it’s really starting to feel like something is wrong. Could something be happening with my hormones as I age? Sex has never been that important to me before and I’ve literally never experienced anything like this, it doesn’t seem like something I can control by myself. What on earth can I do to stop it? Please help!

—Drowning and Desperate

Dear Drowning and Desperate,

This could have something to do with hormonal changes. Your testosterone may be surging as the result of lifestyle alterations like exercise, better sleep, and less stress. If you have gone off an antidepressant, that may have affected things as well. Think about your life in aggregate and whether you’ve made any changes that could reflect in your hormones and definitely see a doctor. They can test your blood to see if there’s anything going on with your levels and then advise accordingly.

You’re right that a thriving libido is generally seen as a good thing; it can be a sign that you are in good health and certainly the alternative makes some people miserable. But a libido that is high functioning to the point of distraction has its obvious drawbacks. You might want to see a therapist, who may be able to walk you through ways of dealing with this, including cognitive behavioral therapy. Keep with the mindfulness practice—it’s not something that typically works overnight and it’s a good habit to have even if it’s not targeting what you seek to improve. In some cases, SSRIs are prescribed to help dampen a high sex drive, but this treatment method may come with unwanted side effects. Definitely discuss with your doctor if you are interested; they can help monitor and adjust accordingly after prescribing.

Send Us Your Questions About the Workplace!

The columnists behind our advice column, Good Job, want to help you navigate your social dynamics at work. Does your colleague constantly bug you after hours? Has an ill-advised work romance gone awry? Ask us your question here!

Dear How to Do It,

Is there a way to get more confident initiating sex? My girlfriend and I are in our mid-20s and I’ve only ever had sex with her. Lately she’s been telling me that she wants me to initiate more and come onto her. But I’ve honestly never been the best at that. I feel like I’m down to have sex most of the time so I’d rather she just let me know when she’s game, too. I hear her though and want to try to do this more often. How can I gain some confidence here and not feel awkward as hell coming up to her and being like, “Hey you want to go right now?”

—Timid Top

Dear Timid Top,

You might start using the language your girlfriend uses to initiate sex. Mirroring her would take the pressure off you to have to come up with something novel or risk coming off as awkward. Follow the tone she has set and meet her where she is. Now, I, for one, don’t think anything is wrong with, “Hey, you want to go right now?” Bluntness can be a turn on. Since that’s something that came out of your head, you may want to experiment with it as well. Maybe your girlfriend will also appreciate a matter-of-fact approach. Also consider the non-verbal ways you may initiate sex, like touching or kissing. If you are tender and passionate about it (say by kissing your girlfriend’s neck), this may convey the idea well. Stay within your girlfriend’s boundaries, though. You should have a conversation to confirm that she’s open to you initiating sex this way—you wouldn’t want to spring something on her that is unwelcome or violates consent for a number of reasons, including that it would be entirely counterproductive to the cause at hand.

Confidence can be a self-propelling machine after the initial push. What often happens is: You do the thing that you’re scared to do, it’s effective, and that makes next time that much easier. You’re not going to get there without the initial leap, but once you do, you may wonder what the big deal was in the first place. If you can pretty much go whenever, pick a time that you’re both hanging out and comfortable and ask her in whatever words are appropriate to your dynamic if she’s in the mood. And then get to it.

You may experiment here and find that initiating is still difficult. There are people whose sex drives are more on the responsive side—that is, requiring outside stimulus (like a partner’s interest/horniness) to get going—and there are people who tend to be more spontaneous, libido-wise. You might be responsive and that’s OK, it would just mean that you’d need your girlfriend to initiate more than not. Beyond this, sometimes we find ourselves locked into patterns with our partners. For whatever reason, one person becomes the one who gets things going, and that dynamic just works. You are eager to try being more in the driver’s seat here, so experiment but if you find that it’s just not coming natural to you, have a conversation with your girlfriend, letting her know that actually it would be better if she keeps kicking things off.

—Rich

More Advice From Slate

I’m a woman and I’ve been hooking up with a guy on and off for a few months now. Recently, while I was blowing him, he caught me completely off guard. He disengaged and shot his load all over my face. He never discussed it with me beforehand, and it even got in my hair (I had to resort to cutting some off!). I am beyond furious that he didn’t clear this with me before he did it. He apologized and said he thought I would be fine with it since we incorporate a little bit of BDSM into our sex routines and promised it wouldn’t happen again. Should this be a deal breaker?