The Effects of Growing Up in an Emotionally Abusive Family

Learning the short- and long-term effects of growing up in an emotionally abusive family will help you in several ways. It will help you determine whether you grew up in such an environment; it can explain why you suffer from certain problems and why you've acted in troubling ways; and it can explain why you have felt the way you have—about yourself, your parents, and the rest of your family.

Sources of Emotional Abuse Within a Family

If you were raised in an emotionally abusive family (please refer to my previous post to help determine this), then the damage you experienced may have come from:

• Witnessing the abuse of one parent toward another
• Witnessing the abuse of both parents against each other
• Experiencing emotional abuse first-hand from one or both parents
• Experiencing a sibling emotionally abusing you
• Being the target or scapegoat of all family members

In addition, the daily environment of experiencing and/or witnessing emotional abuse has a cumulative effect on your self-esteem, your ability to trust your perceptions, and most importantly, your ability to interact with others in a healthy way.

Short-Term Effects of Childhood Emotional Abuse

Short-term effects of growing up in an emotionally abusive environment include:

• Nightmares
• Severe anxiety
• Depression
• Anger
• Irritability
• A sense of helplessness
• Behavior problems
• Clinginess

All these effects continue or worsen the longer children experience emotional abuse, either personally or by witnessing it. There is no such thing as children “getting used to” observing one parent constantly criticize, belittle, accuse, control, make fun of, or blame their partner. In fact, the longer a child witnesses these behaviors, the more they suffer.

This can set the stage for more long-term problems, such as those listed below.

Long-Term Effects of Childhood Emotional Abuse

The following is a list of the damaging long-term effects caused by growing up in an emotionally abusive family. Note which items you relate to.

1. Attachment issues. This includes difficulties with intimacy, including trusting others; difficulty forming healthy and stable relationships (many survivors continue to be abused or to be abusive in their adult relationships); difficulties with conflict resolution (including a fear of conflict); a fear of abandonment; or extreme clinginess.
2. Lowered self-esteem and harm to one's sense of self.
3. Feelings of being unwanted, unloved, worthless, and flawed.
4. Debilitating shame.
5. Difficulties regulating emotions.
6. Mental illness or personality disorders. Those who experienced emotional abuse as a child are more likely to be diagnosed with at least one mental illness, such as severe depression or anxiety, or with a personality disorder such as borderline personality disorder or narcissistic personality disorder.
7. An increased risk of self-harm, including suicide.
8. Substance abuse (alcohol, drugs, nicotine) as a way to cope with overwhelming feelings. It has also been shown that there is a connection between experiencing emotional abuse as a child and developing substance abuse disorders.
9. A tendency to repeat the trauma. People who are abused as children are more likely to abuse their own children than those who did not experience abuse.
10. Lags in emotional and cognitive development.

It can be overwhelming to read the above lists. But it can also be encouraging. Finally, you have an explanation for some of your most troubling behaviors and feelings.

Family Denial Can Get in the Way of Healing

Unfortunately, you are unlikely to get any help or validation from your family, including from your siblings. Parents tend to be understandably defensive, and even siblings who experienced the same treatment and witnessed the same behavior in your parents can go into denial, insisting that your family was a safe, supportive one, when you know, in fact, that it wasn’t. You can expect your family members to not only be unhelpful but to actively stand together to deny any problems in the family and, in essence, get in the way of healing.

The good news is that, in spite of the denial and lack of validation you receive from your family, there is hope for your healing; the first step being to face the truth about your upbringing and how it affected you.

Most importantly, you need to come to understand that you are not the problem. In fact, it is very possible that you are the healthiest member of the family. There is often one family member in an abusive family who recognizes the problem, and this person is often the family scapegoat—the one everyone in the family blames for all the family problems. This person is often the first one to reach out for help.

Ask for Support That Doesn't Minimize Your Experience

It’s bad enough to have to grow up having an emotionally abusive parent—one who is overly critical, controlling, or neglectful, one who is verbally abusive, smothering, or dismissive—but when you have an emotionally abusive family, it is almost unbearable. There is no one to turn to for help or support.

Don’t make this true for you today. Reach out for help, even if it is just by telling your partner or a close friend. If they try to help by telling you that all families have problems, or to look at how well you turned out, or any other attempt to minimize or ignore the damage you suffered, tell them something like this: “I just need you to listen. You don’t have to try to solve this problem for me. You don’t have to try to take my pain away. Just let me talk, let me tell you how learning about this information and remembering this makes me feel.”

If anyone, including family members, tries to tell you that what you now realize or what you remember is not true, this is not the person to share this information with. Abusive parents often do what is called “gaslighting,” where they lie, deny, or minimize your experience and your feelings. Don’t let anyone in your present life do that to you.

Finally, if you can afford it, seek out a good therapist, one who specializes in trauma if possible. If you can't afford therapy, my new book, Adult Children of Emotionally Abusive Families, will help.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

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