My Wife and Our Neighbor Got Into a Screaming Match. She Didn’t Know She Would Forever Regret What She Said.

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Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

My wife, “Rita,” is upset over something that wasn’t her fault, and I have no idea how to get her to snap out of it. We moved into our neighborhood a few years ago and had the bad luck of landing next door to a miserable old woman.

Our neighbor was forever calling the cops on us for “noise violations” like playing music in the backyard in the middle of the day, throwing yard waste from her house onto our lawn, putting her garbage in our trash can for pickup instead of using hers, etc.

About three weeks ago, Rita parked close to her house on the street because I was in the driveway washing my car. Our neighbor marched out of her house, kicked my wife’s fender, and screamed at her to move the car. Rita lost her temper and told her to “do the world a favor and drop dead!” As fate would have it, the old battle-axe died two days later. Now Rita feels incredibly guilty for what she said. Even worse, she wants us to attend the funeral! How do I convince her she’s wasting her sympathy on a terrible person?

—Good Riddance (he/him)

Dear Good Riddance,

Well, it goes without saying that your late neighbor will not be around to appreciate the gesture of attending her funeral, so you could gently explain to Rita that not much would be gained from this gesture. Of course, also acknowledge that any loss of life is upsetting and that her guilt is a reflection of her humanity. But suggest that this doesn’t mean it has to be a call to action.

Or you could frame it this way: “Her funeral is for people who loved and respected her. She wouldn’t have wanted us there any more than she wanted to hear us playing music in our backyard. The right thing to do is to take this as a lesson on being more thoughtful about the words you use, even when you’re upset—and to let her rest in peace. Leaving her alone is the best way to honor her memory.”

If she still insists and you sense she needs to go in order to ease her mind or feel a sense of closure about the situation, throw on a suit and attend with her. It’s a couple of hours. Not a big deal. Just make sure to get out of there before you end up mingling with the other mourners and are asked how you knew the deceased. Because something tells me you’d struggle not to include your opinion of her, which would definitely hurt people’s feelings. And your wife doesn’t need anything else to feel bad about.

Dear Prudence,

I love my friend, but I am so tired. We have been friends since childhood, and I understand that people have different dispositions and needs. And I DO know he will always be there for me. That said, I feel like my well is dry.

He’s just gone through a terrible breakup and is suffering, and I empathize. But this year, I was diagnosed with cancer, and my niece died. My year has been shitty too! But all he talks about is his drama or whatever trauma he’s metabolizing. He’s in therapy, and I feel horrible for being unkind. But he’s been wrapped up in one drama or another for the past 20 years. He’s educated, successful, personable. I want to be kind and supportive always, but I also thought we would grow out of this pattern. Help!

—Should Be Easier Than Marriage

Dear Should Be Easier Than Marriage,

Your mention that he’s been “in one drama or another for 20 years” tells me your friend is pretty set in his woe-is-me ways, and that’s unlikely to change. Do you think you would have more capacity to be there for him if the support felt more reciprocal? If so, push for that instead of wishing he had fewer needs. (You do say that he’ll always be there for you!) In fact, you don’t even have to mention his breakup or the decades of struggle that preceded it. Just ask for what you’d like from him—the more concrete, the better.

For example, “I have radiation coming up and I was wondering if you could come with me to a few of my appointments” or “The anniversary of my niece’s death is in a few months and I really want to take a trip to honor her memory. Would you come with me?” or even, “I’ve just been feeling so down after the year I’ve had. Do you have time for me to call you and vent about everything and maybe cry?” If he interrupts any of these moments with more than a passing remark about his breakup, he’s not just a person with shitty luck; he’s selfish. So while it’s possible that he might respond to more direct feedback, you have way too much going on right now to invest in training him to care about people other than himself.

🥧 Send Prudie Your Wildest Holiday Story! 🥧

For a special edition, Prudie wants to hear about that one holiday where life unfolded like a comedy of errors. Burned the Thanksgiving meal five minutes before all your guests arrived? Took a Santa tradition too far? Discovered the truth behind the family’s secret, award-winning pie recipe? Write in here, and Prudie will share what she might’ve done.

Dear Prudence,

What do you do when one of your dearest friends doesn’t bathe regularly? I have spoken kindly, but clearly, about this on three different occasions. They were embarrassed. They thanked me for telling them. The third time, I told them to speak to their doctor or counselor; they see both regularly, in case it was a mental or physical problem, or a drug reaction. I suggested a new washer and dryer or new detergent. Nothing has changed. No one else in our friend group will say anything, but they do talk about them behind their back. The group hurries to get the chairs across the room.

—Not an Owl

Dear Not an Owl,

You’ve already brought this up on three occasions? You have fulfilled your duty. Your friend either doesn’t care, isn’t in the mental space to take action, or cares very much but is dealing with a medical emergency (or a washing machine malfunction?) that you aren’t qualified to address. They are well aware that they stink at this point and don’t need any reminders.

I understand that you care about them, but the way to express that and to be a good friend is to shut it down when the rest of the group starts talking behind their back. Say, “Hey, they’re aware of the issue, and it feels wrong to discuss it when they’re not here.” Then change the subject.

Classic Prudie

When my wife and I got married in grad school, we talked and planned out a future: finishing our degrees, living overseas for several years, and then coming back to the States and having kids. Then her father was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. We both dropped out of school and moved back to her little Midwest hometown. I took over the family business while my wife supported her mom and helped raise her younger brothers. That was four years ago…