I’m Having Incredible Sex With a New Woman. But I Feel Terrible About What I’m Doing to Her.

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the How to Do It archives to share classic letters with our readers. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear How to Do It,

I’m a man in my 40s and have been fortunate to have had lots of great, amazing sex over my lifetime. I’m kinky and enjoy a wide variety of sexual activities, but at base I’m very dominant sexually and my favorite kink has always been ass play, both giving and receiving. I’ve recently started seeing a woman who is the same age and was relatively inexperienced with ass play prior to me. To our delight, she has really taken to it and enjoys it very much. She is the only woman I’ve ever been with who has multiple orgasms from strictly penis-in-anus sex. So far, so great! We’ve discovered we are very sexually compatible and have really great sex in other ways as well. But here is the issue …

When I penetrate her anally, she likes it very rough. While we always use plenty of lube, she likes it best when I do not really “warm up” her ass. I am well-endowed in both length and girth, and she is petite. And at her specific request, it is intentionally brutal. Our typical anal sex session involves me railing her mercilessly until I get off. These sessions can sometimes last a good while, at least where strictly penetrative anal sex is concerned (10 or 20 minutes). During these encounters, she is clearly in some level of moderate to intense pain nearly the entire time, but she always orgasms, usually multiple times. She never taps out (we have a safe word). I frankly have never encountered anyone like her in that department. I don’t know how she takes it like that. She doesn’t visibly bleed or experience any obvious adverse post-sex after effects other than some soreness/tenderness the next day. We have great communication and have discussed it openly. And hey, I’m not complaining. It turns me on immensely. And she consistently declines more slow and gentle anal sex when I have suggested that option.

But what are the physical ramifications for her anus and rectum long term? We have had this type of anal sex several times a week going on several months now. She said she sees no adverse effects and has experienced no changes in bowel or bladder habits. But I’m concerned that anal sex of this duration, intensity, and frequency can have adverse long-term physical effects, such as loss of anal sphincter tone, which could lead to bowel issues for her later in life. She says she’s not concerned about it, but I’ve read about gay men who have been anal sex recipients over many years, as well as people who have regularly engaged in large anal penetrations, who experience incontinence, anal fissures, hemorrhoids, and other colorectal problems associated with these types of activities. While I enjoy it very much, I definitely don’t want to cause her health issues later in life from this. Are there exercises like Kegels that she can do to keep sphincter tone? I would be fine with less frequency, duration, or intensity with her if it would save her from having issues later, even despite her lack of concern about it. Your insights would be appreciated.

­—Butt Trouble

Dear BT,

In my own poking around (heh), I noticed that there isn’t a ton of data on the long-term effects of receptive anal sex. I confirmed this with Dr. J. Michael Berry-Lawhorn, a clinical professor of medicine at the University of California–San Francisco’s Anal Neoplasia Clinic, Research, and Education Center. For nearly 30 years, Berry-Lawhorn has been seeing patients at risk for anal cancer, many of whom are gay men (but he noted he’s treated women). “I’ve talked to a lot of people about their sexual habits, what they do, their issues, and their problems,” he explained over the phone. He told me that it’s rare that he hears a patient complain about problems like you describe deriving from anal sex, even in extreme examples.

“I have a fair number of guys in my practice who tell me they fist,” he said. “They’re not coming in saying, ‘I’m leaking all over the place. I can’t hold my poop. I’m staining my pants.’ Maybe they do, but they don’t talk about it.”

This last bit is important—just because they aren’t talking about it doesn’t mean it’s not happening. The little data that does exist suggests that there’s a higher rate of fecal incontinence among those who practice anal receptive sex. Berry-Lawhorn pointed to this 2016 study, which found, through self-reporting, that “fecal incontinence rates were higher among women and men reporting anal intercourse compared with those not reporting anal intercourse.”

In 1999’s The Ins and Outs of Gay Sex, Dr. Stephen E. Goldstone wrote about the suspected mechanism that leads to such incontinence: “Insertion of a penis … causes your muscle to contract involuntarily. Repeated insertion through a contracted internal sphincter muscle may cause cumulative damage so that the muscle loses its ability to seal the anorectal canal tightly.” So learning and practicing anal relaxation is probably a good idea for long-term health.

Berry-Lawhorn also told me that “there is some literature that shows women who have a history of anal intercourse are more likely to have anal precancerous lesions.” He recommends your partner get screened for anal disease, specifically HPV, by someone who specializes in managing anal dysplasia. He also recommends Kegels and the general promotion of good bowel function (like eating plenty of fiber).

On the up side, the doctor, as much of an ass expert as you’re likely to encounter in the world, did not seem at all disturbed by the practices described in your letter. He said he was impressed by your concern for your partner’s health, and he put things into rather lovely perspective that I’m sharing and co-signing: “It’s true, women and men who practice anal intercourse have higher rates of fecal incontinence. On the other hand, life is complex. There are many things people do that are not the best for their health but they continue to do them because they get a certain amount of pleasure from them. I think it’s about risks and benefits. From the description, this woman seems very happy having this sex and doesn’t want it in any other kind of way. I don’t think there should be any judgments about that. I think as long as she’s happy and it’s mutually consented and agreeable, they should continue to do what they’re doing.”

—Rich Juzwiak

From: I Found a Woman With an Incredible Sexual Talent—but I’m Worried About What I’m Really Doing to Her. (September 17th, 2021).

Dear How to Do It,

My wife and I have been casual swingers since fairly early on in our relationship, so we’ve enjoyed playing with other people in front of each other, and we’ve had some really amazing experiences. We often find that after we play with others, it increases the sexual desire between the two of us, and we have really hot sex in the weeks that follow. Our sex life in general is good, although like many others, it can run hot and cold at times. My wife often says she misses the feeling from when we were dating when everything was so exciting, and you’d get butterflies just being around the other person, but it’s almost impossible to recreate that with someone you know so much more intimately many years later.

I want to suggest opening up our marriage so that each of us could date other people, but I’m not sure how my wife would react to that. I’m married to the love of my life, and I’m not looking for someone else to spend my life with or replace my wife. However, I do think it would actually be good for each of us to experience those exciting feelings again with other people, including sex. I enjoy watching my wife have sex with other men, and it would be exciting to have her come home and tell me all of the details about her night out with another guy. I think seeing each other having fun again and being desired by other people would create a much-needed spark in our own relationship at home. Are there any good ways to suggest an open marriage in our situation without potentially upsetting my spouse?

—Open Minded

Dear Open Minded,

You’ve come this far, and had fun along the way—why do you suspect that this conversation will upset her? If you aren’t just being overly cautious and understand this will be a sensitive topic, then you undoubtedly know what triggers to avoid. If you worry that she’s going to feel abandoned, preface the conversation by saying, “There’s no way I’m going to abandon you, and this is just me thinking out loud, but …” You have a sound case for wanting to rev up your lives with some good old NRE (that’s “new relationship energy” in poly-speak). That you have found yourself wanting an even greater sense of openness makes sense. Things progress. We get a taste, we want more. It doesn’t make you a terrible person who is throwing away a good thing; it just makes you someone whose experience with consensual nonmonogamy has led up to the point of wanting to give polyamory (or however you want to label it) a try.

There are many complications to navigate should you go forward. As always, I’m recommending Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up, the most comprehensive and sensible book I’ve ever read about ethical nonmonogamy and its many permutations. You can read it together and talk about it. Take things as slow as the most sensitive person (presumably your wife) needs—clear, continual communication will prove invaluable. You can dip your toe into this way of living by attending a local poly meetup. It doesn’t have to be this scary plunge into a fast lifestyle that will make the two of you (and your relationship) unrecognizable. Pace yourselves, and you’ll be able to steer with precision.

—R.J.

From: An Intense Fight With My Husband Has Me Convinced Our Entire Life Is a Lie. (July 25th, 2021).

Dear How to Do It,

My wife and I are both in our late 30s and have been together as a couple since we were juniors in high school. We were both like-minded, career-wise, and we each went into the tech field upon graduation from college. We started a business together and have been very successful at what we do. Since we were both so driven to get our company off the ground, it left little time for creating a family outside of just the two of us.

About two years ago, we found ourselves with enough financial stability to where we could pull back somewhat from work and begin planning on having children. My wife stopped taking the pill, and we began in earnest trying to conceive. Unfortunately, during this time, my wife slept with another man during a night of heavy drinking—at my behest. At that time, I was the only man my wife had ever been with sexually (I actually lost my virginity in middle school and was active all throughout my high school years), and we had been having discussions about her fooling around with someone else. To me, sex is just a physical activity, and the thought of her trying another dick not only didn’t bother me, but it actually excited me. So one night after we had a watch party, I encouraged one of my good friends to hang around afterward for some “additional partying.” The alcohol clouded our judgment, and we didn’t even consider using condoms.

Of course, a few weeks later my wife turned up pregnant, and doing the math, we immediately knew that my buddy could easily be the father.  Nine months later, my wife gave birth to a baby boy that obviously was not mine. (My friend is of a different ethnicity.)

Now having told you all of this, I don’t want you to think my problem is the obvious. I’ve accepted the consequences of my actions, and I love “our” son more than anything. We co-parent with my buddy (yes, we are still good friends), and I don’t care what friends and family have to say about my wife giving birth to another man’s child. Here’s the rub: We had always planned on just having one child. Now that she’s done so, my wife is not interested in having more children. Even though I love our son, I still really want a biological child of my own. Am I wrong for feeling cheated?  Should I continue to press the issue and try to convince her to give me a child as well. I don’t want to end up resenting either my wife, my friend, or my son, but I fear that could be a distinct possibility in the future if I am left childless. What do you advise?

—One and … None?

Dear One and None,

I don’t see this as you being cheated. You played yourself. You knew the one-child plan going into this, you ignored the very obvious risk of pregnancy (alcohol may have clouded your judgment and made consequences easier to ignore, but it did not delete how babies are made from your brain), abortion doesn’t seem to have been considered despite the awareness that your buddy’s seed could very well have been that which was planted, and here you are. I don’t believe you’ve actually accepted the consequences of your actions in context because you’re balls deep in them, and yet you’re asking for our blessing to change the terms of your agreement. You put “our” son in quotes, and you fret about being “left childless.” That makes me worry about your “parenting.” You could work on your wife—as much as you are in a situation of your own making, I don’t think a conversation is out of order, as people do change their minds about things, though don’t even think about coercion—but it might be more useful to work on yourself. Through your choices and allowances you made a baby in an unconventional way. The way I see it, the kid is your son. Raise him without scare quotes.

A side note on my bias: I understand that people feel compelled to spawn, as the continuation of our species depends on it. I know many people who have had babies in recent years, some of those babies I’m even fond of. Hopefully the world will be better with these new little people in it. But if you’re asking me well in advance if you should reproduce, given the state of the planet’s ecology, I’m never going to give you an enthusiastic thumbs-up to bring someone into the world who may very well die an early death of thirst. That sounds dramatic and I hope it doesn’t happen, but that’s just where my mind goes, and you took me there.

—R.J.

From: A Drunken Threesome Has Left My Wife and Me With an Unexpected Problem. (September 12th, 2021).

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