I’m Dating a Bi Man I’d Love to Marry. He Says We Can Tie the Knot—On One Painful Condition.

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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

I have been in a relationship with a bi man, “Jay,” for the last three years. We have one child who is 6 months old, and we have been discussing getting married. However, Jay has one condition: He says he would still need to hook up with a guy once in a while. He likened it to “an itch you can’t scratch yourself.” Jay hasn’t been with a guy in just over a year, so I was a bit surprised. Part of me wants him all to myself, but if I’m being honest, I’ve been waiting for the day when he would be open to getting married. Would it be worth it?

—Unsure

Dear Unsure,

He’s giving you a map before you set out on your journey. Trust it. It’ll be much more of a logistical headache to get divorced than it would be to simply break up with a boyfriend, so truly consider whether you want to be in an open marriage in which your partner periodically bangs dudes. In fact, I would recommend letting him have at it before you walk down the aisle. That way you’ll be able to see what life in a non-monogamous partnership feels like. Sometimes you don’t know what feelings will be dredged up until you are acutely aware that your partner has had sex with someone else while you’re together. Maybe you will hate it and know that this relationship isn’t for you. Maybe it will have no effect on you at all, and you can think about it like a hobby of his that has no bearing on your relationship other than the occasional time away from you.

You should be sure before getting married. If it turns out that you do not like having a partner who has sex with men from time to time, you should think about whether or not you want to be in this relationship. One thing you shouldn’t do is try to change him or even hope that he will change. He’s telling you now that this is who he is. Believe him.

Dear How to Do it,

I am married to my best friend. We have been married for 17 years. I love him and he is my safe place. But we have a dead bedroom. He was tested and has had low T for years. He is now taking T and we both anticipate a restart of our sex life. But I am in menopause, I don’t know if my hormones (really lack of hormones) will make this difficult. What do we do?

—Lack of Hormones, Lack of Sex

Dear Lack of Hormones, Lack of Sex,

The prognosis is as yet unclear. There’s the potential for renewed chemistry here, but you don’t know how your husband’s boosted T will interact with what you’ve got going on. And just as he was able to pursue hormone replacement therapy for his issues, so can you, if you’re interested. It might help with this particular issue that has you so concerned. For that reason, it is worth considering.

Hormones won’t necessarily create the kind of magical sparks you need to reanimate your dead bedroom, though. You can start cultivating it now through intimacy. That doesn’t mean sex, per se. Physical contact like cuddling and kissing count. If you haven’t been engaging in activities like these, consider incorporating them into your dynamic. Check in and see what feels right and possible for both of you and go for it. It might also be useful to talk about sex. Even if it’s just in the abstract, reintegrating that kind of discourse could allow you to wade into a sexual mindset together. And, if there is anything you have been curious about trying (or absolutely do not want to do), now is the time to bring it up.

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Dear How to Do It,

I’m a man in his 30s. When I was coming into my sexuality in my 20s, I ended up in a relationship where I pretty much exclusively bottomed, and I thought I was just inclined that way. When we broke up, I stuck to this while hooking up for a while, until one day a guy said something like, “That dick is too nice to waste,” and started riding me. I surprised myself, flipped him over, and came inside a guy for the first time. It was a mind-blowing nut, to use a technical term.

Here’s the problem. I’ve always been a guy whose dick is kind of shy in bed, especially with new partners. I usually don’t get hard instantly like most guys do, even if I take an industrial-grade blue pill (I do instantly get hard when alone or with a longtime boyfriend, but my erection strength can ebb and flow a bit). This is especially true if a guy expects me to top. I’ll get fully hard and then just lose it when it comes time to fuck. I’ve successfully topped probably 15-20 times since then, but it’s always when the penetration is unplanned and spontaneous, at least on my part. My good friends who know about this have all said “maybe you’re just a bottom,” but that’s the thing—I’ve pretty much stopped bottoming. I feel like a top. I jerk off thinking about cumming inside a guy. Kicking back and letting a guy give me no-recip head has become one of my go-to things (thankfully, I can stay hard for that most of the time). I also look the part, stereotypically, so I attract bottom-leaning guys. I know this is likely performance anxiety, but how do you manage your way out of it? I’ve tried exclusively using a Fleshlight to masturbate for a while and open communication with my boyfriend and other partners to take the pressure off, and no dice. Is this something I can change? And if so, what else can I do? For the record: My bloodwork is pretty clean and my testosterone is high, so I don’t think it’s anything like that.

—Not on Top

Dear Not on Top,

You write that your sensitive dick gets especially persnickety when a guy expects you to top. If external pressure is affecting you to that degree, imagine how much impact the internal pressure must be doing. That internal pressure is all over your letter, which seeks to solidify your standing in the sexual role you have selected. Look, your question is totally fair. I understand wanting your sexuality to align in the bedroom with how you see it in your head. But I believe that the way to overcome this will involve a self-administered Jedi mind trick. In order to make it work, you will have to lessen pressure and expectations on yourself to the point of not really thinking about it at all.

This can take many forms. Maybe you try taking topping off the table entirely for a while and see how that affects your performance. Maybe you identify as primarily a side, but open to more depending on the vibe. Maybe try setting up a hook-up/session where you plan to do something that doesn’t have anything to do with your penis (like, if you could enjoy servicing a guy, offer that), and see how the mood strikes you when the expectations are completely pointed in another direction. But there, the best-case scenario for your dick would put you in the position of having to navigate proposing that you top to someone who probably had no plan to bottom. A lot of guys want to be topped, so it could actually work out at least some of the time, but again, it’s dicey. The tricky thing about the spontaneity that yields your best sexual performance is that those who would bottom for you would likely prefer to prep for that, which requires advance notice. And if a guy’s going to clean out, he’s going to have some amount of expectation. And you’d know that, which could affect your performance anyway.

It’s tough! This requires you to talk yourself out of the performance anxiety you have all for the sake of your performance. You’re basically tip-toeing around the sleeping giant of your erectile dysfunction. There are a few other things you could try—if sildenafil isn’t doing it for you, consider tadalafil (Cialis) or vardenafil (Levitra). There are also combo ED drugs that include both sildenafil and tadalafil that may work better for you. Also consider a cock ring.

If nothing else, you are enjoying the non-recip head, right? Maybe that’s your speed for now—it allows you to enjoy sexual connection without the pressure to top. There are so many guys out there who just want to suck a dick, so you likely won’t have any shortage of takers. Leaning into that for a while would still allow you to cum on the regular without the pressure of topping. Nothing wrong with that.

—Rich

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