DEAR ABBY: Daughter with grudges makes herself hard to love

DEAR ABBY: I have three grown children and seven grandchildren. I have solid relationships with my oldest and youngest, their spouses and their children. My middle daughter, “Hope,” has always been distant. I’ve tried for years to build a relationship with her and her children.

Hope has suffered from mental and physical illness most of her life, and I’d like to be able to help her. The problem is that she keeps a house full of animals, and the place is unwelcoming to say the least. I’ve also tried keeping in touch via phone calls, but they always end up with her being critical and accusing me of things that happened a long time ago — some of which I wasn’t even aware of. She has no relationships outside of her two children and no contact with her siblings.

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I love Hope and her children, but I’m tired of the abuse. I have quit pushing myself on her, but I miss her so much. Is there any hope for us? — LOSING HOPE IN ALABAMA

DEAR LOSING HOPE: You don’t want the door to close forever, so it’s important to keep the lines of communication open. You can continue to call Hope and visit occasionally without enduring the abuse.

Each time she tries to steer the conversation in a negative direction, use the opportunity to introduce the idea of family counseling. Frame it as your desire to understand the past events she is still unhappy about. If you can get Hope to attend a few sessions with you, it may be a big step forward.

DEAR ABBY: A dear friend is obsessed with death and the grieving process. While her fixation is not entirely unusual, her actions are. She attends area funeral services two to four times a week for people she does not know. She sits in the back, rarely talks to family and friends, and leaves quietly, so she says it isn’t a big deal. I disagree. I feel it’s disrespectful to attend the funeral services of a stranger even if you are unobtrusive. What do you think? Am I wrong? — PERPLEXED IN ARKANSAS

DEAR PERPLEXED: It’s hard to label a behaviour disrespectful when it’s causing no harm or distress to anyone. I don’t know how isolated this friend of yours is, but this may be her way to be in the presence of others and cope with loneliness. Another reason could be that she enjoys hearing about people’s lives. Rather than criticize or judge her, I think you should simply ask her why she does it. Her answer may be enlightening.

DEAR ABBY: How can I get my nice, college-educated son-in-law to wipe his mouth with a napkin during meals instead of using his sleeve? — FATHER-IN-LAW WITH MANNERS

DEAR F-I-L: There are two ways to get the message across. The first would be to “remind” him in plain English while you are at the table. The second would be to speak to your daughter about it and ask her to get the message across.

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