DEAR ABBY: Judgmental sister demands childcare commitment

DEAR ABBY: My twin sister and her husband are expecting their first child. I run a small business with my father. Although I work hard, neither of them seems to see or acknowledge my efforts. They consider me to be “sponging” off my father. They also disapprove of my relationship with my boyfriend because we have chosen to remain unmarried and not have children, although we have been together as long as they have.

Recently, they offered to hire me as their nanny three days a week after my sister’s maternity leave is up so that they can continue working. My sister also asked that I think it over without consulting my boyfriend.

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I told them immediately that I could not commit to — nor do I want — such a huge responsibility. I said I would help them when I could but that my life and schedule were too unpredictable to be their primary means of childcare. I am uncomfortable with being their employee when our relationship is already somewhat strained.

This made my sister sad and disappointed and her husband angry. He will no longer speak to me and says he doesn’t understand why I couldn’t do them this “favour” after all the help with garbage, snow removal and mechanical issues he has selflessly given me (which is true). Am I crazy to think that this seems a lot to ask of me and that I have a right to say no? Should I feel as guilty as they are making me feel? — NO NANNY IN NEW YORK

DEAR NO NANNY: You are not “crazy,” so don’t feel guilty for refusing to allow your sister and brother-in-law to push you into something with which you are not comfortable. That they would expect you to become their babysitter without first discussing it with your partner (legal or not) is somewhere between sneaky and presumptuous.

You say your relationship with your twin and her husband is “somewhat strained.” Well, it appears to be that way because you sense a lack of respect from them. That is the issue you should straighten out with her. As for her hubby, he needs to understand that: 1. You are happy working with your father in the business, and 2. Removing garbage, clearing snow and dealing with mechanical issues are not remotely equivalent to devoting three days every week to taking care of a baby.

DEAR ABBY: There is a great guy around my age who works at a nearby restaurant. I really want to meet him, but he doesn’t seem too thrilled when women hit on him, and he doesn’t seem to date or have relationships at all. I heard he was recently seen flirting with a co-worker. How should I approach him? — LOOKING FOR A WAY IN

DEAR LOOKING: You should not approach him. Attractive service industry workers get a lot of unwanted attention, and you already know that this man does not welcome the amorous advances of his customers. His romantic life is none of your business, so please stop poking around and move on.

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