9 Steps to Reach Your Emotionally Neglected Spouse

My husband says he loves me, but I don't feel love from him.

My wife gets confused, overwhelmed, or frustrated every time I try to talk to her about a problem.

I want a more connected relationship, and my husband thinks everything is fine.

My marriage feels flat. Some vital ingredient is missing.

These are complaints that I have heard many times. Almost always from folks who are in a relationship with someone who grew up with childhood emotional neglect. As a psychologist who has specialized in it for years, I have seen this particular loneliness go unnamed, sometimes for decades.

Emotional neglect happens when your parents communicate this subtle but powerful message:

Your feelings don't matter.

Children who live in such households naturally adapt by walling off their emotions so that they won't bother their parents or themselves. Since these children's emotions are squelched, they miss out on the opportunity to learn some vital life skills: how to identify, understand, tolerate, and express emotions.

If your spouse grew up that way, they may have difficulty tolerating conflict, expressing their needs, and emotionally connecting with you. No matter how much you love each other, you may feel a great chasm lies between you. No matter how long you've been together, you may feel inexplicably alone.

7 Signs Your Spouse May Have Been Emotionally Neglected

Your spouse:

1. Seems to misread their own emotions. For example, says, "I'm not mad," when clearly angry, or says, "I'm happy," when clearly not.
2. Often misreads your emotions or the feelings of your children or others.
3. Has a limited vocabulary to express or describe feelings.
4. Has a very difficult time tolerating a conversation that involves conflict or discomfort.
5. Is often irritable for no apparent reason.
6. Claims to be happy in the marriage despite your own complaints and expressions of unhappiness.
7. Doesn't seem to realize that some vital ingredient is missing in your relationship, which is emotional connection.

There is one obstacle I hear about over and over, and it’s worth knowing before you start. Very often, the partner who grew up emotionally neglected does not believe that anything is wrong. They are not being difficult. They genuinely cannot see what you are describing, because what you are missing is something they have never had. So they hear your unhappiness as your problem, and you are left carrying it by yourself.

Do you ever wonder how to reach a person who does not think they need reaching? Do you ever wonder how long to keep trying?

Now for the good news. These folks can change! And marriages affected by emotional neglect can heal and become rich and rewarding.

Enriching Your Marriage

1. Learn as much as you can about emotional neglect.
2. Once you feel that you have a better understanding of how it works, tell your husband or wife that you may have an answer to why you are not happy enough in the marriage. Explain, as best you can, what emotional neglect is, how it can happen in even loving families, and how it is often no one's fault.
3. Explain to your partner that this is very important to you, and ask them to look into it for you.
4. Ask them to read the seven signs above, and to tell you honestly which ones sound like them. Recognizing themselves in even one or two changes things. It stops being your complaint, and starts being something you are looking at together.
5. Since many emotionally neglected people have very good empathy for others' true feelings, don't hold back yours in this request. Let your spouse see the pain that this is causing you, but not in a blaming, accusing, or challenging sort of way. Be honest and open with your feelings, but have compassion for how hard this may be for them.
6. Tell your spouse that you love them and that you are asking them to pay attention to this problem out of their love for you.
7. If your partner starts to read and learn about it, be sure to express your appreciation for their efforts. Be open and available to communicate about their reactions as they go along.
8. Learn the Horizontal and Vertical Questioning Technique from Chapter 6 of the book Running on Empty®, and use it with your spouse. It will help deepen the relationship and will teach you both new ways to communicate and connect.
9. If you run into problems or need help along the way, it will be helpful to consult a professional. If you would like your couple's therapist to understand emotional neglect, you can take Running on Empty to your first session and ask them to look at it. Virtually any skilled, competent therapist who understands it can help you with it.

Keep in mind that your spouse has probably been just as baffled about what's wrong as you have been. By following these nine steps, you are inviting their emotions into your marriage and reversing that painful message they received as a child. You are replacing it with one of your own, a message that's loving, healing, and connecting:

Your feelings matter to me.

A version of this post also appears on emotionalneglect.com.

© Jonice Webb, Ph.D.

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