My Partner and I Were Publicly Arguing at the Grocery Store. Then Someone Said the Perfect Thing to Snap Us Out of It.

Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily.

Each week, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on the letters she’s received. Her reply will be available every Friday.

Hey Prudie, 

Re Leave Me Out of It: So, a few weeks ago my partner and I were at the grocery store, and I was trying to show him how to use his tap card properly (he only recently got a tap card) because he wasn’t holding it in the right place, so of course it wasn’t working. He said, “I know what I’m doing,” and I said, “But you’re not doing it right.” He was like, “Yes, I am. There’s something wrong with the machine,” and I said, “Just let me do it,” and the cashier, whom we’ve known for many years (she used to wait tables at the diner and is almost a stereotypical diner waitress), said mildly, “Now, children, no fighting.”

It was funny, and we laughed. My partner handed me the card, and I did the tap thing, and it worked perfectly. (Fortunately, there was no one in line behind us that we’d been holding up!)

Since the letter writer is friends with these people, he could try that, saying, “Now, children, no fighting,” in a lighthearted manner, and unless they’re hyper-sensitive, it might bring them up short and get them to realize what they’re doing, and they might even laugh as we did.

—Madame Max

I love that!

Hey Prudie,

Another idea for Leave Me Out of It: There is a much less complicated and very powerful answer to being a referee to a bickering couple, especially if they’re friends with us. It has worked for us every time. “If you guys are asking me to pick a side, NEITHER of you is going to like who I pick.” And walk away. Refuse to engage at all. I have never lost a friend over it. It’s like turning a hose on them.

—I’m Not Pikachu

This strikes me as a little aggressive, considering the couples in question aren’t doing anything outrageous to the letter writer. But if you’ve done it multiple times and haven’t lost friends over it, you might be on to something!

🥧 Send Prudie Your Wildest Holiday Story! 🥧

For a special edition, Prudie wants to hear about that one holiday where life unfolded like a comedy of errors. Burned the Thanksgiving meal five minutes before all your guests arrived? Took a Santa tradition too far? Discovered the truth behind the family’s secret, award-winning pie recipe? Write in here, and Prudie will share what she might’ve done.

Hey Prudie, 

Re Dreading a Winter Trip to Florida: My ex was a veteran and served two tours, and he did this a lot too. I had the same reaction as the reader and hated it. What I didn’t know yet was that he was in the midst of suffering from PTSD from what he saw, and these discussions were his way of “normalizing” that trauma. Maybe the letter writer should show a visceral reaction next time?

This is heavy stuff, and it’s OK for someone hearing those kinds of stories to react in an appropriate manner. I’d try, “Oh wow, I need to stop you for a second so I can process that; that was a lot for me. Are you OK?” The letter writer then gives space for the vet to take a pause if the content is appropriate, but also the letter writer might be the person who ignites the spark that this man might need some help. Either way, it is a kind way to broach the subject, and the letter writer might end up with a new friend. Also, love you, Prudie, all the way from Australia!

—Me

This is really thoughtful and a great suggestion. The letter writer would need to get himself out of the headspace of being totally annoyed before trying it, of course.

Hey Prudie, 

For Dreading a Winter Trip to Florida: Prudie offers you good suggestions for limiting your time with Richard while visiting. I don’t know if you and your wife are in the habit of making plans for one another without consultation, but if not, then I would let my wife know that I don’t appreciate her involving me in plans I had no say in. This leaves the opening for your wife to double back to Bea that you already have plans for part of that week and won’t be able to stay the whole time. You can then arrange to stay in Florida with the couple for as many days as you think you can tolerate Richard. You and your wife are not joined at the hip, so you don’t have to be in lockstep for every activity.

—Joel Cairo

I couldn’t agree more that being consulted about plans is a must, and that the letter writer not being consulted creates a great opportunity to get out of the trip, or at least part of it.

Hey Prudie, 

Re High Cost: Live where it’s feasible to live, and don’t give in to emotional blackmail and hysterics about it. That said, I think you may need to start being a little more realistic about the fact that your choices may have consequences for you, and your kids may not always just leap to accommodate everything you would prefer.

Assuming that your daughter will fly across the country with her kids twice within the space of about a month (and not get to spend holidays at home rather than in airports) to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with you was never realistic. Is that really a “threat,” or just an acknowledgement of the realities of money and time for the situation you’re choosing to set up?

Your daughter shouldn’t be throwing a fit about it regardless, but if you’re choosing to live across the country from one of your kids, you may need to compromise sometimes. You do have to accept that you may have to travel sometimes rather than making your kid always be the one to do it, or at least just help foot the bill. You may not be able to get everything you want exactly your own way either when you make a choice like this.

—Mercerid

That’s a good point. Two cross-country holiday trips would be too much for most people. That could be a big part of why the West Coast daughter backed out!

Classic Prudie

I need counsel on how to deal with a persistently creepy colleague in the arts community who styles himself my “fan.” Happily, I don’t have to see him daily, but he sends me regular (unanswered!) emails and messages that make my skin crawl. Part of the trouble is that they aren’t exactly creepy stalker emails; he is trying to make it seem like an ongoing, two-sided conversation and an appeal to our shared artistic interests—and there are people in our circle who seem fine with him.