There is a lot that crumbles in the face of a shitty economy: My bank account, Gen Z’s hopes of owning a home, and any real chance of collective calm. But one thing that has managed to remain steadfast in these financially distressing times? Certain men’s ideas of gender roles. According to a Hint App survey of more than 5,000 men, 65 percent of participants said that they’d feel more uncomfortable being financially dependent on a romantic partner than being rejected by them.
As an independent girlie myself, I understand the hesitance in being financially dependent on anyone else. “Financial dependence can feel incredibly uncomfortable for both men and women,” Kate Dorman, certified financial therapist and founder of Sound Financial Therapy tells Cosmopolitan. “Being financially self-sufficient can lead to feelings of pride, confidence, safety, and security.” But, whereas my beliefs around needing to be able to take care of myself are rooted more in self-preservation, there’s something totally different happening in a man’s brain when money becomes a factor in their partnerships.
“Due to historical and societal messages, many men still have a deeply embedded financial belief that they should earn more than their partner,” Dorman says. “Romantic rejection may feel easier for some men because romantic rejection is about overall compatibility—whereas financial dependence can feel like a failure or deficit that he is solely responsible for.”
I’m sure that most men don’t just set out to become financially dependent on their partners (though the whole “50-50” discourse gives me pause). But hey, shit happens. In situations where someone may fall on hard times, isn’t it nice to know that the person you chose to be your partner in life is able to step up and help take care of things while you sort your life out?
Well, for men, the answer is “not really.” About 54 percent of men said they would rather make drastic changes to their living standards (AKA budget) than depend financially on a partner during a difficult period. And even if they do go ahead and decide to swallow their pride and ask for help, they’re not necessarily happy about it. A separate 47 percent said that they would feel uncomfortable with being financially dependent on a someone even if both partners agreed that the arrangement made practical sense.
“As much as we may not want to believe it, personal finances are simply not logical, so an objectively mutually beneficial financial decision can ultimately stir up many feelings, such as resentment, insecurity, doubt, fear, and shame,” Dorman explains. “In the case of an objectively mutually beneficial financial decision, the feelings matter just as much as the numbers.”
In society, men tie a lot of their personal worth to their ability to provide—even if their partner doesn’t view them that way. So when a man loses his job, earns less than his partner or has to be financially supported, he believes that he’s at risk of losing his relationship, Dorman explains.
Financial difficulties are likely to cause strain in any relationship—so when you throw gender roles and expectations on top, these issues can feel hard to come back from. Dorman says that couples can lessen the blow of this identity shift by financially planning in advance, typically in the form of a secure savings account. A joint savings account can feel less like one person is directly dependent on a partner’s income.
And no matter who may be the breadwinner, it’s important that both partners are always involved in financial decision making. “Otherwise, this can create an unhealthy power dynamic where the person earning more has more decision making power.”
Realistically, a couple will never comprise of two people making the exact same amount, with the exact same savings, and the exact same earning potential. One partner can earn more than the other, and years later, even this could change.
And while you may have a vision for what this dynamic looks like in your relationship, you never know how it’s going to play out in real life. The important thing is that you and your partner know how to adapt. “Being in partnership means supporting and accepting support—both are important,” Dorman says.