King Vogt and the Guardians of the Round Table
I. The Battle of Lake Erie
Introduction
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
II. The Quest for the Holy Grail
Interlude
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
III. The King of the Wind
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
IV. The King of the Sea
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Interlude Part II. I sat up briskly in my hammock, leaned over the edge, and threw up in the bucket next to me.
“What was that?” I asked the Shaman as he stirred in his chair. I slowly came back to the small cabin in the jungle, the nighttime sounds resonating all around me.
“It was just a story, hermanito,” he said comfortingly.
“I didn’t like it,” I said, rolling over in the hammock, trying to find a position that wouldn’t make me feel nauseous. “There was a giant eye that ruled over this space like an M.C. Escher painting… that part was cool. But the ending got really intense when King Vogt and the Guardians took on the King of the Sea. I thought the Guardians of the Round Table were destined to claim the Commissioner’s Trophy. But at the end of the story they were trapped inside this purple hurricane, on a tiny boat, facing a fleet of four sloops-of-war and a sea monster from the deep.”
I rolled over again as a bubble rose in my chest and a sulfurous burp escaped. “Ugh. I believed it was their destiny to finally win… and then it was like they were destined to fail the whole time. Tampa made all the plays they needed to, and we didn’t. Losing stinks.”
The Shaman used his shakapa to fan the lingering stench of the sulfurous burp. “It does, hermano. But it was all just a story. And every story has important lessons. Our destiny can seem manifest… until it isn’t. Do you know that we are living in the time of a great prophecy that is told throughout Indigenous cultures across the Americas?”
“I didn’t,” I sighed, finally finding a better position. “Tell me about it.”
“This is an era foretold by many ancient civilizations,” the Shaman began. “The natives throughout the Americas speak of The Prophecy of the Eagle and the Condor. It tells of a time when the Eagle People of the North — the cultures of science, the mind, and logic — have all the power; while the Condor People of the South — cultures of the arts, the heart, and faith — have very little. But the prophecy says that during this time, there will be an opportunity to reconnect the people of the Americas, and a sharing of wisdom that will unite them as one. That unification will result in a collective transformation that will bring about a new era in the history of mankind. But… the prophecy is clear that this is merely an opportunity…. it is not destined to happen. This is the moment, but we must take advantage of it.”
The Shaman’s words reminded me of one of my favorite quotes. “There’s a line from Field of Dreams that says:”
‘There comes a time when all the cosmic tumblers have clicked into place and the universe opens itself up for a few seconds to show you what’s possible.’
“But I guess once those few seconds pass, the universe slams shut again, and what was once possible isn’t possible anymore. Sounds a lot like the Guardians this year,” I mumbled, sinking deeper into the support of the hammock. “A season of possibilities, and missed opportunities.”
“So then let’s change the topic since losses stinks for a while,” the Shaman said as he got up. “And I’ll light some palo santo.”
As the Shaman lit the ends of the wooden sticks, he continued, “So you like the knights, but not the part in the story when they are about to lose to the giant devil ray.”
“Knights are the best,” I said excitedly, feeling some of my energy returning. “King Arthur was one of my favorite stories growing up. The biggest question each day was whether I was going to dress up as King Arthur or Percival.”
“Then let’s continue with the knight theme, but we’ll shift our perspective,” the Shaman said as he took the burning ends of palo santo and waved the sweet smelling smoke around the small cabin. “I may live in the jungle, but we do have movie theaters here, and I really enjoyed Monty Python and the Holy Grail when they showed it. So since we need some humor and you like King Arthur, let’s focus on one of those famous scenes from the Holy Grail. Do you like the scene when the two peasants are debating with King Arthur?”
“Oh, I do!” I said, already remembering the hilarious exchange between King Arthur and the muddy peasants.
“And you hate Paul Dolan, which is why you made him Morgan le Fay reincarnate.”
“He’s so cheap. Imagine what this team could have done if they had a few key players to support José. I can’t wait for Dolan to give up ownership.”
“Well let’s focus on that then,” the Shaman said. “The day when the Dread Warlock Dolan leaves Cleveland. We can imagine him riding out on a horse as he passes the two peasants in the mud…”
DOLAN:(beckons to one of the Peasants standing in the mud) You there! The one caked in mud. Which way leads out of Cleveland?
PEASANT 1:(Turns toward Dolan and half-acknowledges him) This isn’t mud.
DOLAN: What?
PEASANT 1: I’m not caked in mud.
DOLAN: Well, you’re standing in mud, and I can see that your shirt is clearly brown.
PEASANT 1: It’s a Browns jersey. That’s why it’s brown.
DOLAN: Forgive me, but from a distance it looked like you were caked in mud. You are, after all, in the mud.
PEASANT 1: Oh, in the mud, yes. We’ve been in the mud ever since Deshaun Watson. But caked in mud? No.
DOLAN:(getting frustrated) Semantics!
(A second Browns fan, who was also standing in the mud — but most certainly not caked in it — comes over.)
PEASANT 2:(taunting) Oh, semantics, says the big Dread Warlock.
DOLAN: I’ll have you know I am a billionaire!
PEASANT 2: Oh, a billionaire, ’e says. Very nice. And ’ow’d you get that, eh? By exploitin’ the people! Cryin’ poor, all the while hoardin’ away profits under yer down mattress. Or did Daddy Warbucks come back from the Crusades with a nice big stash of gold for ye?
DOLAN:(getting more frustrated) Can you just tell me the way out of Cleveland?!
PEASANT 1: The rich billionaire didn’t think to buy a map, did ’e?
PEASANT 2: You know what else ’e didn’t think of? Tradin’ for Jo Adell before the season started. That coulda made a real difference, havin’ a full season of a right-handed power hitter.
PEASANT 1: It could ’ave indeed, it could ’ave indeed. You know what else ’e didn’t think of… thinkin’ to sign Foster Griffin in the offseason instead of trading for ‘im at the deadline. And what did Griffin sign for? I ask you. What did ’e sign for?
PEASANT 2: What did ’e sign for?
PEASANT 1: $5.5 million, for the year. But no way a billionaire can afford ‘at! No sir. (wagging his finger) We must be frugal with the family funds!
PEASANT 2: And havin’ an arm like Griffin’s for a full season would’ve saved the other pitchers too. Those pitchers were runnin’ on fumes by the end. But did ’e think of that? Did ’e?
PEASANT 1: Indeed ’e did not! And you know what else ’e didn’t think of?
DOLAN:(through gritted teeth) The way. Out. Of Cleveland.
PEASANT 2:(ignoring Dolan completely) Do tell, my unjustly-accused-of-bein’-mud-caked friend.
PEASANT 1: They didn’t think to take the Guardians to the Armor Court at the Cleveland Museum of Art. The Guardians liked Medieval Times so much that they bought a helmet and sword — but no one thought to take ’em to the world-renowned art museum where an entire armor court awaits ’em?! — with a sword equal to Excalibur itself that was wielded by a lord! They could ’ave taken their media team and documented the whole thing. Woulda been a great opportunity. Maybe the museum would ’ave let ’em touch a real battle-used sword.
PEASANT 2: They should hire ye to do their marketin’ campaigns.
PEASANT 1: Oh, the Dread Warlock Dolan could never afford me! ’E whines about low revenue, and cries poor over ticket sales, but then why doesn’t Dolan get creative ‘imself and make the ballpark an experience worth payin’ for. Low ticket sales aren’t the fault o’ the fans. They’re indicative o’ uncreative executives, and their lack o’ vision!
PEASANT 2: Lack of vision, ’e says! Go on, go on.
PEASANT 1: Why just imagine if they’d actually run with the knight theme! Picture a stadium full of armored knights protectin’ the city. Of course, fans can only bring armor bought at the Guardians’ Team Shop: Guardian-themed sets of plastic helmets and shields adorned with the Guardians ‘C’. You would fill Progressive Field with a united army of armored knights: Guardians of Cleveland. After all, they tell us to “Stand Guard,” but what are we supposed to stand guard with exactly? I ask you!
PEASANT 2: Oh, but they gave us these very nice red towels!
PEASANT 1: ’Ave ye ever seen a knight defend a castle usin’ a limp towel?! (sarcastically) Very intimidatin’, that! (getting serious) Now imagine bein’ a visitin’ team and walkin’ out of the dugout to find all of Cleveland in matchin’ armor fillin’ the stadium, standin’ guard together! They could ’ave called ’em ‘The Tenth Guardian’. Think of the ticket sales! Think of the merchandise sales! And the profit from sellin’ the sets of armor could have gone to Guardians Charities!
PEASANT 2: Oh, well they most certainly didn’t think of that! Maybe they would ’ave gone better than 2-4 at home during the playoffs if they’d done that. And you know what else they didn’t think of?
(By now the Dread Warlock Dolan is riding away, having given up.)
PEASANT 2:(almost as an aside) You can tell ’e’s a billionaire.
PEASANT 1: ’Ow’s that?
PEASANT 2: ’E’s ridin’ on a horse. Doesn’t ’ave to go around bangin’ two coconuts together.