Can Forgiving Someone Who Hurt You Make You Healthier?

Forgiveness as a concept can be incendiary and polarizing.

Some view forgiveness as surrender, a form of exonerating an abuser and accepting bad behavior. They see it as a shrugging of the shoulders and giving someone who has hurt them deeply a free pass.

Yet others view it as anything but. They see it as liberation, a way to free themselves from the hold of someone who has caused them harm, a path to moving on.

At its core, forgiveness is about releasing your resentment over a past hurt and giving yourself permission to move from a place of pain to a life where you can flourish without being weighed down by an injustice. It is like removing a proverbial backpack that has been weighing you down. It’s a mindset that releases you from being chained to the past and to the event that harmed you.

Of course, some wounds are too deep, some acts too horrific, to forgive the person who inflicted them. That choice deserves respect. But there is another form of forgiveness that can be restorative: forgiving ourselves.

When we have been deeply hurt, at times we turn the blame inward. We ask, Could I have prevented what happened? Self-forgiveness means accepting the event was beyond our control and that we cannot alter the past. It releases blame that was never ours to bear, and extends to ourselves the compassion we might readily offer others.

After all, forgiveness is not about what we owe another person. It's a choice we make for ourselves. We forgive so that the experience does not take up precious space in the story of our life.

Whatever our personal view of forgiveness, science offers a compelling reason to consider it. In addition to reclaiming our peace, research suggests that letting go of resentment can benefit our mental and physical health and may even be associated with greater longevity.

Forgiveness is not absolution

It’s important to recognize that forgiveness is not absolution. People often get stuck in confusing the two. It is not saying that what happened to you is OK. Forgiveness does not ask us to condone past harm, excuse the inexcusable, or give someone who has hurt us deeply a free pass. At the heart of forgiveness is reclaiming our own peace, and because we deserve a future unencumbered by old stories that tether us to sorrow.

Nelson Mandela, South Africa’s first Black president, modeled this understanding after spending 27 years in prison. As he was known to have said as he walked out of the prison gate, it was essential that he leave his bitterness and hatred behind, or he would still be in prison—doing so was essential to his freedom.

Health benefits of embracing forgiveness

There is a compelling incentive to embrace forgiveness: profound health benefits. Science now shouts what sages have long whispered: It's important to let go. Holding on to anger can prolong our stress response.

We all know that emotional pain can leave its imprint on the body. Haven't we all felt the physical ache caused by an emotional wound? Doesn't the word heartache aptly capture the connection between emotional and physical suffering?

Science suggests this connection is more than a metaphor. An fMRI study found that social rejection activates brain regions that are also involved in processing physical pain. This helps explain why being rejected can hurt so deeply, even when no physical injury has occurred. The pain is emotional, but the body's response can be very real.

But the impact of emotional wounds doesn't end there. When hurt gives way to lingering anger and resentment, it can prolong the body's stress response, affecting cortisol levels. Chronically elevated cortisol can impair immunity and disrupt sleep, while prolonged stress may contribute to accelerated biological aging. This brings to mind the ancient Buddhist metaphor of clutching a burning coal, hoping to hurl it at someone who has wronged us, only to discover that we are the ones being burned. So it is with resentment. By holding tightly to the memory of being wronged, we prolong our own suffering.

But what happens when we hold on to that burning coal for years? Could forgiveness have implications not only for our health but also for our longevity?

In a study of more than 1,200 older adults, researchers found that those who made forgiveness conditional on an apology or a promise not to repeat the harm had a higher risk of dying during the three-year study. While this is not evidence that forgiveness extends life, it raises a compelling possibility. Holding on to resentment while waiting for someone else to make amends may take a toll on our physical health.

But there is clear evidence of forgiveness benefiting our mental health. Research suggests that forgiveness can reduce depression and anxiety. In one study of nearly 4,600 adults across five counties, those who participated in a brief forgiveness intervention experienced reductions in symptoms of both. And there are even greater benefits. Research suggests that practicing forgiveness can improve self-esteem and is associated with greater life satisfaction.

Ultimately, if our goal is to live a healthier, happier life, unencumbered by old burdens that tether us to sorrow, forgiveness offers an important pathway forward. It's a powerful way to reclaim our peace and refuse to let the past define our present.

As I have grappled with forgiveness in my own life, two extraordinary resources have deeply inspired me: the International Forgiveness Institute, which offers science-based strategies for letting go of resentment, and The Forgiveness Project, offering a moving collection of personal stories that illuminate the power of forgiveness to foster healing.

Perhaps the greatest gift of forgiveness is this: It has the power to transform a wound from a source of pain into a catalyst for growth. As the poet Rumi reminds us, “The wound is the place where the light enters you.”

References