How Shame Gets in the Way of Anxiety Recovery

Shame—the feeling that we are somehow “bad” or broken—gets in the way of many facets of our lives, and one of these that I have both experienced personally and observed in my clinical practice is our ability to cope with and recover from anxiety. Anxiety, although commonly experienced and not necessarily indicative of a diagnosable mental disorder, can often feel like a problem we are suffering from in isolation, while those around us seem to function without any trouble whatsoever. The problem with this way of thinking is that it incorrectly positions anxiety as something that is shameful and embarrassing, and that indicates a personal failing.

The sheer prevalence of anxiety challenges the notion that it is a “rare” or “uncommon” condition, let alone one that should be viewed with shame. In fact, the latest statistics show that more than 30 percent of U.S. adults experience an anxiety disorder at some point in their lives (NAMI, 2024), while a 2024 survey revealed that nearly 20 percent of adults reported experiencing anxiety symptoms in the past two weeks (Terlizzi & Zablotsky, 2024). To frame anxiety as an outlying, neurotic condition is to ignore its omnipresence. Normalization of the experience of anxiety is vital to challenging the belief that it deserves to be treated with contempt.

Research Links Shame With Anxiety and Social Anxiety

Beyond the statistics that highlight anxiety’s prevalence, there are also numerous studies and scholarly articles linking anxiety to shame and indicating “a growing body of investigations showing that shame and guilt are important features of various psychological problems including anxiety disorders” (Candea & Szentagotai, 2018). A 2021 meta-analysis found that, in “thirty-seven articles included in the current review [which] empirically examined the direct association between shame and [anxiety],…35 reported significant positive correlations between shame and social anxiety” (Swee et al., 2021). The link between anxiety and shame cannot be denied.

But what does this link mean in terms of anxiety coping and recovery? Shame, as defined by June Tangney, a distinguished university professor in the psychology department at George Mason University, is when “we feel bad about ourselves. We are fundamentally flawed because we did something. It reflects on who we are as a person. I’m a bad person for having done that” (APA.org, 2023). Now consider the harshness of this type of self-assessment: I felt anxious; therefore, I am fundamentally flawed and am a bad person. This is hardly motivating language for someone who is trying to cope with a problem or navigate a challenge. Yet, it is the way many anxious people (myself included) speak to themselves. It is common to assign self-negative assessments to our experience with anxiety, which often manifest in the form of shame and humiliation.

The irony here is that one of the main things we look for when we are anxious is reassurance; for example, we long to be assured that we are safe and that all is well when we feel an intense wave of worry or panic. Yet, the inner language of shame is anything but reassuring. Rather, it perpetuates an inner narrative of being, as Tangney describes, “flawed” and “bad.” It is difficult to find reassurance in that type of message. In addition to not being reassuring, shame also keeps us stuck and works against motivation to change. Imagine wanting to learn a new skill but each time you attempt it, you say to yourself, “I am so bad at this.” The chances of sharpening that skill are slim in the face of such self-recrimination. In essence, shame does nothing for motivation or ability to move forward.

Reframing Anxiety as a Shared Human Experience Reduces Shame

So, is it as simple as just speaking to ourselves more kindly? Yes and no—while a little positive, supportive self-talk would go a long way toward helping feel less anxiety-based shame, it is not that simple. A larger reframing, redefining, and redescription of the experience of anxiety is necessary. Rather than framing it as “disordered,” “dramatic,” “histrionic,” or “irrational,” anxiety can be seen as an uncomfortable yet commonly experienced phenomenon that affects many individuals. If we can accept anxiety as a part of the human experience, we can fight the unhelpful shame narrative. After all, if shame makes us feel alone, then acceptance can cultivate commonality and mutuality, which can combat the idea that anxiety is an experience that should be hidden from the world and dealt with in shameful solitude.

My own experience, as well as my years of clinical work with individuals experiencing anxiety and panic, reminds me daily that anxiety, when viewed as pathological and purely diagnostic, brings feelings of shame and humiliation, isolates those experiencing it, and paints a picture of the person as broken. When, however, anxiety is viewed as a normal, albeit uncomfortable and challenging, part of being human, shame reduces, and real healing begins.

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