The first step in evolving through life is a mental activity called contemplation. According to the Transtheoretical Model, a leading model of change in human development, change follows a specific trajectory. The journey begins with the shift from not thinking about change to contemplating that it could happen. For many, change may involve a home project, like painting a bathroom or clearing out unwanted items. For most, these kinds of external changes rely on goal setting, planning, and then the action stage of doing the physical work.
Perhaps you want to make a change in your life that does not involve external actions whatsoever. For example, perhaps you wish to become more forgiving, let go of resentments, or set a boundary in a relationship. All of these items are within our ability to achieve. Personal, intrinsic changes follow the same pattern as changes in the external world; however, unlike physical changes, they require frequent reminders of the goal. “My goal is to make peace in my life” or “My goal is to stop punishing myself.”
Setting a goal for change typically starts with the need to eliminate deeply held, unpleasant feelings. Many people are currently suffering and would like success in shifting a persistent low mood. Perhaps you notice that your mood is frequently gloomy or that you feel anger more than joy. In that moment, you become aware of a feeling state that your thoughts affect.
How you choose to think can guide you away from sad thoughts toward feelings of joy and happiness. Thoughts of gratitude or resilience may lead to more frequent moments of happiness and joy. You choose what you spend your time and energy thinking about; the choice is yours. This connection of mind, feeling, and behavior is a central premise of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). According to CBT, we are all caught in a triad of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, a triangle that revolves through the decades of our lives. What you choose to think about affects your feelings, and you act from those feelings, which then shapes your behavior. For example, if you think all your best days are behind you, you may feel sad and isolate yourself. The more you isolate, the more your gloom grows; the more gloom grows, the more certain you become that all your best days are behind you. Negative thinking becomes ingrained in sadness and unhealthy behavior.
Inner change means setting a specific goal you can achieve through focus, attention, and action: “I want to be happier.” “I want a close, loving relationship.” “I want to feel better in my life.” “I want to feel successful.” As many goals exist in this world as there are human minds to contemplate them. To create change, set a goal and let it become baked into you through repeated thought. Encourage your goal to become part of your mental preoccupation.
Setting a goal is the first step in making inner changes. Step two: You choose the action that accomplishes the goal. For some, the action is elimination, like quitting a substance; for others, it will involve creating new habits. This thought structure connects behavior to feelings. For many, eliminating a habit will involve telling yourself that refraining is the path to your personal goal. “If I resist the urge to binge, I will feel better; feeling better is my goal.” Using thoughts to overcome an urge in the moment leads to lasting change. To resist an urge, focus on the benefits of achieving your goal until the urge passes. A general rule is that most urges last about sixty seconds.
To gain more peace, you will need to master the art of using your thoughts to control your behavior. Internal change requires frequent check-ins on your goal to improve your life. “I want to live a healthier lifestyle” is a terrific goal for most humans. Use this goal as a mantra when you feel the urge to do or say something that doesn't fit your goal parameters.
Changing internal experiences requires sustained focus, often at levels that don't match cosmetic changes in an environment. Personal change is a long-term process that depends on repeatedly returning to the goal. When we identify a part of ourselves we can change, we can stay focused on the goal, no matter how many times we fumble toward it. Positive internal change involves falling short of the goal without abandoning it. Keep your goals at the forefront of your thinking to guide your choices and actions as you work to achieve them.
Some personal intrinsic changes come from a desire to increase positivity in your life. Unfortunately, some changes grow from a negative event you never wanted. Accepting changes you didn't want is a foundational element of happiness and joy. Over time, most people find themselves facing a change they didn't want. There aren’t typically many reasons to stay stuck in the spiral of thought trying to answer the question, “Why?” “Why did this happen to me? I was so loving, and I tried so hard.” “I did not get the outcome I wanted.” When you must adapt after an unwanted change, you need, once again, to set your own goal. “I did not want you to leave me” or “I thought we would be together for the rest of our lives” will be replaced with “I did not want this to happen, but I will do my best to go through the change with courage and be my best self.” In this case, you are free to find joyful thoughts related to your goal and be your most positive or courageous self.
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Regardless of what sparked the thought of personal change, your ability to stay focused on a goal over time, with grit and persistence, is your best shot at achieving it. These are thoughts worth sharing with others.