Because I have a new book out, I am doing lots of work to promote it, like writing blog posts, magazine articles and columns, being interviewed by various journalists and appearing on, to date, three podcasts. I have mostly enjoyed these things, even though some of them (writing) are much more in my comfort zone than others (podcasts).
But I recently noticed my inner critic getting very loud and uncomfortably forceful. This part of me is, of course, critical. But he (I don't like calling parts "it," as it seems a bit demeaning to me) is also highly perfectionistic, pointing out any little mistake I have made and urging me to do better next time.
On the most recent podcast, I/my critic felt I could have done much better at three specific points in the hour-long chat. To be clear, I was very happy with at least 90% of my answers. The hosts were kind and thoughtful. Overall, it was a very enjoyable experience. But guess what my mind kept spinning back to for the rest of that day? Yep, those three points I "messed up," as my critic so helpfully reminded me.
My Inner Dialogue: A Report
Honestly, it left me feeling both surprised and depressed: surprised because I have done so much work on this well-meaning but often clumsy part of me, and he is so much quieter than he used to be, and depressed because, well, berating yourself for hours is a proven way to lower your mood and keep it in the doldrums.
As an internal family systems (IFS) therapist, I speak to my parts on an ongoing, hour-by-hour basis, so I decided to have a chat with my critic. It went something like this...
Me: Woah, Critic, this is all a bit much. I hear you and get that you're trying to help – I think by pointing out my mistakes so I do better next time. But it's not helping. You're stressing me out and, frankly, making me feel awful.
Critic: But you did flub those lines – and you could do so much better.
Me: I know, and that wasn't ideal. But I nailed 90% of it and, honestly, no-one cares about those tiny mistakes as much as me or you. So listen, I totally get you are trying to help. And I do appreciate you for all the hard work you do trying to keep me safe. But it's too much, please take a break and let me learn from these mistakes, in my own way.
Critic: OK, I'll try to ease off a bit. I just think you could be awesome if you pushed a bit harder.
Me: I know, but honestly I don't have to be awesome, just good enough. All this pressure makes me very much not-awesome, because I get stressed and inarticulate, leading to the flubbing. Thanks for trying to give me a bit more space though, I really appreciate it.
A Message From My Self
Towards the end of this dialogue, another voice came in – and it was loud! This new voice said: "I don't need to be perfect, or awesome. I just want to be authentically, messily myself." And I love this, because it's exactly how and who I want to be. Where did this powerful, affirming message come from? In IFS therapy, we would see these wise, helpful thoughts as emanating from Self – the prefrontal cortex-based, loving, compassionate inner resource we all possess.
And this message from my Self has really stayed with me, because it's the opposite of the perfectionistic idea that I must be perfect at all times, never make a mistake, or be seen as anything less than excellent. Authentically, messily myself means I'm OK being perfect or imperfect, succeeding or failing, being the most knowledgeable and articulate podcast guest ever, or flubbing some lines. I'm still more than good enough: messy, human, and lovable just as I am.
If any of this resonates with you, please use it as a rough guide when negotiating with your inner critic. In IFS, we call this part a protector. They mean well, even if that's hard to see sometimes. They are usually trying to motivate you ("Work harder! Be better!") or protect you by criticising you for something internally, so you avoid being criticised, shamed, or rejected externally. And the former is usually way less painful than the latter.
So, as I am always telling my clients, we never want to get angry or hostile with our critic, however frustrating they may be. Negotiating with them in this calm, collaborative manner is the most effective way to help them ease off a bit, give you a break, and let you do your thing, however imperfect and messy that may be.