There are a few unofficial rites of passage you must experience when you enter the dating world. Not just your first kiss or first date—those are all obvious. There are very specific cannon events according Gen Zers who date—and unfortunately, they’re not very good. Some of these include: being stood up on a date, getting ghosted by someone after the most incredible 2-week talking phase, and of course, the realization that you are dating a loser.
Some of us have an extremely intense vetting process with people we date to avoid this very thing. But even the brightest and the hottest of us have fallen victim to being the much better half of an absolute dud.
Sometimes these duds are hot, funny, or just fun to be around enough that you can’t really tell if you’re accurately sensing the “washout” on them or just being overly critical.
So how exactly do you tell if the person on your arm is a loser—and how do you make sure you never end up back in this situation again?
What’s a Loser in This Context?
So glad you asked. The term “loser” may seem harsh—and elementary. I mean, it’s the name grade-school bullies resort to in afterschool TV specials. And calling someone a “loser” as an adult might just feel rude. But if you have knowingly dated a loser (we have a support group, BTW), you know that the name is totally apt.
Now a “loser” means different things to different people. In this specific case, though, it’s not quite meant to be a dig at someone who may be going through a difficult time in their life.
“Forget whether someone has the right job, income, education, social status, or impressive résumé,” licensed counselor Brook McKenzie tells Cosmopolitan. “I’d pay much closer attention to what happens when life requires something from them.”
She encourages people to think about how their partner acts when things get hard. Do they take responsibility for the part they played in those decisions, or do they always have an excuse for everything?
“When something goes wrong, do they become curious about their part in it—or immediately find someone to blame?” McKenzie says to ask yourself.
Loser behavior has much more to do with character than it does circumstances.
“What kind of a human being are they?” intimacy and relationship psychotherapist Ken Page asks. “Do they have the qualities that can sustain long-term love? Are they kind? Are they thoughtful? Do they behave decently even when it would be easy to do the opposite?”
Also, how do they make you feel? If asking any of these questions make you unsure about your partner—odds are they’re not the kind of person you want to date.
And If I’m Dating a Loser...What Now?
While this might be around the time I pull out my “DUMP HIM” T-shirt, I know that relationships are more complicated than that. I do think sometimes even great people go through periods of their life where they act like losers (key word: act). I’ll even admit that I have been that loser before. So a conversation is warranted.
If someone’s behavior is veering into “emotionally abusive” or “unsafe” territory, you don’t need to give someone the benefit of the doubt. No version of mental abuse should be tolerated. But if your partner’s “loser” behavior seems very out of character for who you know they are, then you should talk to them.
First, and I can’t stress this enough, please don’t call them a loser to their face. As much as it may be true, I’m just going to go ahead and assume your conversation won’t end up in a good place if that’s where you start. But if you’re honest about which of your partner’s behaviors are concerning to you, you invite the opportunity to make them aware of something they might not have realized. This could very well lead to a positive change in your partner and your relationship.
Of course, there’s the possibility that it doesn’t change anything. If hearing any sort of criticism makes your partner defensive, angry, or act more like a loser, you can go ahead and just start packing up the relationship right there.
And it’s important to know when to end things. Sure, we’ve all had our fair share of losers (it’s why I have a successful writing career), but we become the problem when we’re aware we’re with a loser and do nothing about it. Because—and I hate to break to to you—if you willingly choose to stay with someone you know is a loser, well, you eventually become the loser too.