Actor Eric Dane, known for playing Dr. Mark Sloan on "Grey's Anatomy" and Cal Jacobs on "Euphoria," left behind his most personal experiences in writing before dying last February 19 at the age of 53, after battling amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS). In his posthumous memoir, titled "My Book of Days: A Memoir in Moments", the American actor reflects on the impact of the illness, his struggles with addiction, and the most difficult moments in his relationship with his two daughters.
'The American magazine People has exclusively previewed several excerpts from "My Book of Days: A Memoir in Moments", which will arrive in bookstores next November 3. In the book, Eric recalls episodes that reflect the physical deterioration caused by ALS and the consequences it had on his daily life, while also candidly addressing a period marked by drug use.'
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The day his daughter had to help him out of the water
One of the most distressing episodes the actor recounts occurred during a family vacation in Mexico, after receiving the ALS diagnosis. While he was in the water, he realized that he had lost the strength needed to swim and that he could not get out on his own. His young daughter, Georgia, along with a friend, had to help him get to safety.
'After the incident, Eric asked for his phone and called Rebecca Gayheart, his wife, from whom he had been separated for years, although the two maintained a close family relationship. "What happened?" she asked him. "I can't swim, Rebecca. I can't swim," he replied. Both broke down in tears as they understood the seriousness of what had happened. Rebecca then confessed to him that she had long feared that moment would come.'
The disease also affected his ability to perform everyday gestures that had previously been part of his relationship with his daughters. One of the most painful memories he recounts in the book took place in December, when he attended a performance of "The Nutcracker" in which his eldest daughter, Billie, was taking part.
I wish I could hug you. I can no longer raise my arms
After the performances, father and daughter used to hug each other. However, the progression of the disease had reduced Eric's mobility so much that he could no longer wrap her in his arms. "Billie, I'm so sorry. I'm so very sorry that I can't wrap my arms around you. I wish I could hug you. I can no longer lift my arms," he told his daughter, who was 15 at the time.
In his memoir, the actor recounts how both of them burst into tears while she remained kneeling and hugging him. Despite the pain, Eric found beauty in that moment and in the possibility of transforming his way of expressing affection. "This moment, my daughter hugging me, my arms and hands lifeless, both of us crying, is incredibly beautiful, and I think maybe we need to start a new tradition," he wrote. The young woman ended up wiping her face and whispering to him: "I love you, Dad."
In another passage, the actor sums up his way of facing the illness with a reflection: "This disease is slowly destroying my body, but it will never take my spirit." Eric died two months after that episode, surrounded by his loved ones, according to a statement from his family, which highlighted that his daughters, Billie and Georgia, were the center of his world.
His drug addiction during the Hollywood years
The memoirs also address a stage of the actor's youth marked by drug use. Before achieving fame, Eric went through a period he describes as his "dark period," in which the difficulties in landing roles coincided with a severe drug addiction. "I did some auditions and got some roles, but above all, I was doing drugs," he admits in the book. The actor lists a long range of substances he came to use, including alcohol, marijuana, heroin, cocaine, methamphetamine, crack, and various painkillers, as well as medications such as Xanax, Valium, Vicodin, and OxyContin.
His career began to take off in 2005, when he landed the role of plastic surgeon Mark Sloan in "Grey's Anatomy." The series made him one of the most recognizable faces on television, although professional success did not put an end to his addiction problems. Eric recounts that he suffered a relapse around 2008, after injuring a cervical disc while exercising. The pain led him back to painkillers and worsened his dependency. At that time, his physical condition deteriorated considerably: "My body goes to shit. I drop down to 77 kilos, my face sinks in, the light goes out of my eyes, and I look gaunt. Fuck, I look like a drug addict. It shows. I can tell too."
The California actor also acknowledges that his addiction affected his emotional state and his relationship with others. "I’m no longer the cheerful, funny guy, the one who is always making everyone else laugh," he explains before describing a period in which he tended to isolate himself and suffer in silence. During the filming of "Grey’s Anatomy," he was admitted to rehabilitation centers five times. Over time, he managed to stay sober while working and move forward in his recovery, although he admitted that the consequences of that period continued to affect him.
With "My Book of Days: A Memoir in Moments," Eric Dane leaves a personal testimony about addiction, illness, and the bond with his daughters, three fundamental aspects of a life he wanted to recount candidly before his death.