I Gave My Boyfriend One Condition for Opening Our Relationship. He Broke It Badly.

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Dear Prudence archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions to Prudie here.

Dear Prudence,

About a year ago, my boyfriend asked to open the relationship, since he wanted to be polyamorous. I agreed on the condition that I would have nothing to do with that part of his life. I didn’t want to know the other woman’s name, I didn’t want to meet her, she wasn’t allowed in our apartment, and he was never to talk about her. To me, she wouldn’t exist. My boyfriend agreed. Now I’ve discovered that, a few months ago, my boyfriend tricked me.

He tricked me into becoming good friends with his other girlfriend, introducing her to me as “a friend from work.” The moment I found out, I ended my relationships with both of them, made him move out (my name is the only one on the lease), and blocked both of their numbers. However, they haven’t stopped trying to contact me. He keeps coming to my apartment, crying, saying that he’s lost without me and that he needs me, and she keeps showing up begging me to take him back and restore our friendship, since she misses me so much. But I can’t. They don’t seem to think they did anything wrong. How do I make them leave me alone? At this point, I’m considering restraining orders.

—Leave Me Alone

Dear Leave Me Alone,

I can understand why you’re considering a restraining order. If your ex continues to harass you by showing up at your property, tell him the next time he does so you’ll call the police and have him removed. Tell your landlord or property manager to warn you if your ex ever shows up at the apartment complex, because he’s not a welcome guest. Do the same for her. Restraining orders are not always perfectly effective, but they can go a long way toward establishing a pattern of harassment if you need to go to court. Tell your friends and family that your ex and his new girlfriend are harassing you and that you’d appreciate their help in keeping distance, in case they try to escalate by bothering your loved ones for updates on your whereabouts. If you can, invite someone you trust to spend a few nights with you at your place and help you contact the authorities if these incursions continue. Don’t get drawn into an argument about what they did wrong. If either of them were capable of listening to reason, they would have done so long ago.

—Danny M. Lavery

From: Help! My Boyfriend Tricked Me into Becoming Friends With His Other Girlfriend. (Sept 13th, 2018.)

Dear Prudence,

Some years ago, after much counseling and reflection, I cut out the family members who perpetrated my abuse and neglect as a child and the ones who were using and abusing me as an adult to feed their addictions. It was liberating, and I have since been living my best life. Along the way, I have cut ties with friends who didn’t bring me joy or who I felt neglected our friendship. I am realizing now that I have perhaps gone too far. Last year, for example, I cut off a friendship with a couple who often contacted me to make plans, only to then go radio silent on the day of our plans. This happened more times than I can count—but when we did get together, I always immensely enjoyed their company! We had a shooting in my city recently, and it just happened to be in the building where one half of that couple works. I was sick with worry until I could confirm she was safe. Which means I still care for her. Does that mean I was too quick to end the friendship? They have tried to contact me many times, and I have never responded. I find myself with only a few close friends, though many friendly acquaintances. Like I said, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. But I also know that deep, meaningful friendships enrich one’s life. Where do I draw the line?

—That’s a Sharp Knife

Dear Sharp Knife,

It can sometimes be difficult to develop an appropriate sense of scale when you’ve grown up being told that abusive and neglectful behavior is “normal.” I don’t have a line for you that I think will apply to every relationship in your life, but if the worry you felt over that recent shooting has made you regret cutting these friends out of your life, then I think you should consider re-establishing contact. It doesn’t sound like you ever had a conversation with them about their habit of making plans and then flaking, so there may be room to talk about it now. They clearly miss you if they’ve tried to contact you repeatedly over the past year. Since you miss them too, why not get in touch? You can say, “I’ve missed you a lot, and I’m sorry to have disappeared without explanation. I’ve been having a tough time figuring out how to talk to you about something you do that hurts my feelings. Are you available to talk about it? I care about you both, and I’d love to see you again.”

—D.M.L.

From: Help! I Had to Give My Flaky Friends the Freeze Out. But I Really Miss Them. (Sept. 19th, 2018).

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I had children in our early 20s and sacrificed a lot to give them the best life possible. They are all grown now, and two are married. My husband and I are planning to travel and live abroad for the next decade or so. We have never been shy about talking about this, but my two married daughters both made comments this summer about starting families—things like, “Oh, you are going to be there, Mom,” and how their friends had children and the grandparents moved closer to provide free child care. We are not doing that. We will love any grandchildren we have, but our lives are not going to revolve around them. How do I tactfully bring this up to my children? They have these expectations that my husband and I don’t share. I want to nip this in the bud before the grandbabies are here.

—Traveling Grandparents

Dear Grandparents,

“It’s wonderful that some of your friends’ parents have moved close to them and provide free child care. As you know, your father and I have long had plans to travel and live abroad in the next phase of our lives, and we’re very excited about that. When and if you decide to have children, we’ll be absolutely thrilled to visit.” But I wouldn’t spend too much time worrying about your children’s expectations, given that you’ve always been upfront about your travel plans. If they want to set up unrealistic assumptions in flat contradiction to what you’ve told them, that’s neither your fault nor your responsibility to fix.

—D.M.L.

From: My Husband Won’t Stop Exposing Himself to Our Teenage Daughter. (Sept. 17th, 2018).

Classic Prudie

I’m not sure how to resolve a conflict where neither of us are “wrong.” The other day, my boyfriend saw a mark on my ribs just under my bust that he thought looked like a hickey. He knew he hadn’t given it to me, and when he asked me what it was I didn’t know—it didn’t hurt and I hadn’t noticed it. This made him furious because in his words, he would have believed that it wasn’t a hickey if there was a reasonable explanation, but what was he supposed to think if I just shrugged him off? I got upset at being accused of cheating and said I don’t have an explanation for every bump and bruise on my body, but he should trust me enough to not assume I was cheating. We couldn’t give each other a satisfactory answer so we just redressed and went to sleep.