Ever since my daughter was born, my greatest ambition has been to become the best version of myself so she has every chance at a good life. I worry about how my own frailty and inadequacy might hold her back, stunting her emotionally or spiritually. But I trust that, with Jesus, all things are possible through the grace of God.
The recent trial of Lindsay Clancy has made me think about this responsibility more seriously than ever.
If I start to feel grumpy, I can look down at an object in my home and be encouraged to offer up a quick prayer.
In January 2023, Clancy killed her three young children in their Massachusetts home. Her murder trial ended in a mistrial in September, with jurors unable to agree on whether she should be held criminally responsible. Her lawyers argued that she was suffering from postpartum psychosis.
The crime was horrifying enough. But I found much of the public response almost as troubling. Hundreds of women gathered outside the courthouse to show their support for Clancy. Some spoke of identifying with her struggles as a mother.
I understand the desire to raise awareness of postpartum mental illness and the need for better care. Mothers who are suffering deserve help, and serious mental illness can be devastating. But I couldn't help wondering why a case involving the deaths of three innocent children had become, to such an extraordinary degree, a conversation about the needs and suffering of mothers.
Putting children first
In a healthy society, the murder of three children would remain, first and foremost, a tragedy for those children. We could debate the legal complexities, including whether Clancy was criminally responsible for her actions. We could discuss how to better recognize and treat postpartum psychosis. But somehow the case became a referendum on how society treats mothers, while the children seemed to recede into the background.
I worry that this response reflects a larger problem in how we think about parenting. We increasingly expect children to accommodate the lives we want to lead, rather than accepting that having children requires us to change our lives for their sake.
My own experience of motherhood has been one long exercise in making those changes. I've had to question things I valued before having my daughter, abandoning cherished habits and ambitions that might otherwise consume me or cause me to neglect her.
I've also come to realize that the first change must begin within. I can't be what my daughter needs without Jesus guiding my thoughts, words, and actions. Each day, I try to sacrifice my ego and become a little less selfish — to lose myself without losing my sanity.
Along with prayer, here are some of the practical things that have helped me do that.
Losing the smartphone
After witnessing countless mothers ignoring their children to stare at a smartphone, I decided I would get rid of mine before I ever had children. So on my wedding day, I took a hammer to my smartphone to symbolize my readiness for motherhood.
I believe this decision has positively impacted my initiation into motherhood. Because I haven't been staring at screens, my sleep has improved and I've regained my attention span. I've also had considerably more time to do things I value, such as reading and knitting.
I slept better than expected during pregnancy and since the birth of our daughter. Even with regular interruptions and frequent waking throughout the night, I've generally felt well-rested. I think my ability to fall asleep easily has a lot to do with not spending my evenings on a screen.
Just as important, I haven't been bombarded with TikTok parenting advice reels designed to scare me into buying something I don't need or believing something that might cause me to treat my child like there's something wrong with her.
I do what I feel is best, with some advice from friends and older women I trust, and this has made motherhood feel relatively stress-free.
Our daughter, too, is screen-free. However, she does have access to a radio, which she loves to turn on and dance along with. I never see that horrible dead look in her eyes — she is happy and active, with ample curiosity and passion.
I was nervous that smashing my smartphone might make it harder to keep in touch with friends, but I've never regretted it. I still have a flip phone, which allows me regular phone conversations with my good friends, and I feel I've been more present and focused around my daughter.
This, as well as getting quality sleep and having more time to read or pursue my hobbies, has helped me strike a good balance between giving myself fully to motherhood and maintaining my own interests.
Embrace household chores
A regular, daily routine for household chores also grounds me, keeping me rooted in the moment. I don't use a dishwasher, so I wash the dishes by hand after each meal. I also do a little laundry every morning.
Doing things by hand keeps me out of my head and is a meaningful way to show love to my husband and child by caring for the clothes we wear and the dishes we eat from.
These might seem like mundane chores, but I have been careful to curate clothes and dishes I love so that, as I manage the household, I am maintaining a space I feel fully committed to and in love with.
The things we wear and eat from represent choices I've willingly made. Each garment and object reminds me of my vocation. When I carefully and meticulously care for all the things in my home, I am offered constant reminders to be grateful.
If I start to feel grumpy, I can look down at an object in my home and be encouraged to offer up a quick prayer. By doing this, I take my thoughts captive, as the apostle Paul encourages, and my attitude is readjusted.
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Foster space for secure attachment
Downgrading my phone and choosing to manage my household deliberately and slowly have helped me make our home a peaceful place where I can build a close, secure relationship with my daughter. There are fewer distractions, less rushing, and fewer occasions for angry responses.
There are a few other things that have made this model tenable and enjoyable for me and my daughter: co-sleeping, breastfeeding, and baby-wearing.
In most ways, I am not very crunchy. I mostly do these three things because I am lazy and also have hobbies I haven't wanted to abandon just because I am a mother. Not only have these things allowed my daughter and I to bond, but they enable me to get more sleep, wash fewer dishes, and move about the house with arms unencumbered.
The key to successful co-sleeping for us has been having a floor king-size bed. I never have to worry about the baby rolling out of bed, and there's plenty of room to push her away to have quality time with my husband. Because the baby latches well, we are both able to sleep while she nurses, so I barely have to wake up when she's hungry.
Breastfeeding, in particular, has given me plenty of opportunities to read. With the help of many pillows to get comfortable while I'm awake and nursing, I've managed to read nearly 30 books (mostly nonfiction) since she was born. Imagine if I'd had a smartphone instead!
I don't know what I would have done without baby-wearing either. My baby is what might be classified as a Velcro baby. She is happy as long as she is with me, often in my arms. Wearing her was the only sane solution if I didn't want to use the cry-it-out method. It has also helped me regain my core strength!
When the baby was under 6 months old, I'd use a woven wrap to wear her on my chest while I cleaned or sewed. Now I often have her on my back in an Ergo backpack carrier.
We spend our days together doing everything. We go for long walks and have little conversations throughout the day. When we wake up, no matter how I feel, I begin the day with a smile for my daughter and an exuberant greeting. She responds equally enthusiastically.
And now that she feels safe and connected, she's begun displaying independent spurts where she plays off by herself. As long as I am in eyesight, I can do things for hours on my own without her fretting.
I love watching her discover that she can explore the world on her own while knowing I'm nearby if she needs me.
The joy of sacrifice
Since becoming a mother, I've been struck by how often our culture treats children as obstacles to adult happiness. We're encouraged to pursue our ambitions, protect our independence, and make time for ourselves. None of those things is necessarily bad. But children have needs of their own, and those needs often require us to sacrifice things we would otherwise enjoy.
That sacrifice has brought me far more happiness than I could have anticipated. My life has become smaller in some ways, but richer in others. I've given up a smartphone, slowed down my days, and learned to take pleasure in the ordinary work of caring for my family. I haven't lost myself in the process. I've discovered how much of the person I used to be I can happily do without.
I keep thinking about the three Clancy children and how easily they have been lost in the arguments surrounding their deaths. Whatever conclusions people draw about their mother's mental illness or criminal responsibility, those children deserved a safe and loving home. They deserved to grow up.
I want to give my daughter every chance to do just that. I know I will make mistakes, and I know there will be days when I fall short. But I want to spend my life becoming the mother she needs, rather than expecting her to accommodate the mother I happen to be.