My Son’s Aunt Surprised Him With Expensive Pokémon Cards. My Wife Is Not So Happy About That.

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Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My wife and I have a son who just turned 8 and is addicted to Pokémon. When he opened his gifts at his party last month, he lit up like a Christmas tree when he opened his gift from his aunt (Tracy’s sister) to find she had splurged on a collector’s edition set of Pokémon cards for him. My wife and I had looked at the same set when we were searching for a present, considered it, and decided it was too expensive even though he really wanted it. Now my wife is acting like a tool and has been complaining ever since that her sister “made us look like bad parents” because she was able to afford something for our son that we couldn’t. I truly don’t understand what the problem is. Our son got the Pokémon cards he wanted, and we didn’t have to pay for them. How do I convince her to take the win?

—This Is Pointless

Dear This Is Pointless,

As a proud auntie, that’s our job! We are here to spoil kids. It would be different if the gift had been something you didn’t want your son to have. But you would’ve gotten him this deck if the price had been right. Talk with your wife about how your son’s village is making sure he’s happy and provided for. I’m 100 percent sure he’s not thinking about how it wasn’t his parents who got him this gift he so desired, but only how happy he is that he got a gift that he really, really wanted. Who cares who got it? It’s been taken care of.

This “problem” could very well stem from some type of longstanding competition your wife has with her sister that you don’t know about (or that her sister might not even realize she’s part of), so don’t let it bother you. Sibling dynamics can have complications that go back decades. You can ask your wife if there’s something deeper going on here that she wants to talk about. But otherwise, just urge her to drop it and don’t feed into any negative comments that could add fuel to this needless fire.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My friend “Alice” has always desperately wanted to be a mom, but has never met the right guy. She is also the kind of person who seems to be in constant crisis. She is always struggling with her mental or physical health, financial issues, work stress, interpersonal conflicts, or some combination of those things. When she gets a handle on one area, another one blows up. Luckily, her job has a very generous illness/disability policy, so she’s been able to take multiple extended periods of paid leave since I’ve known her. When she’s in a good place, she’s fun and vibrant—a bright light of a human. But the good times have been few and far between over the last several years. I hate to admit it, but it’s been exhausting to be her friend through it all.

A while ago, she decided she was done waiting for a man and was going to go the sperm donor route. I was worried she was getting in over her head because she can barely take care of herself and cover her existing bills. I tried to gently raise my concerns and suggested she wait until things are more stable before getting pregnant. She brushed me off and said everything would work out and things would fall into place when the baby arrived.

Well, the baby came six months ago, and it’s been brutal. I don’t think Alice realized you can’t call in sick from being a single mom to an infant. She frequently calls me at the last minute to ask me to take the baby for a day because she can’t handle it. I help out when I can, but I can’t just drop everything or leave work to look after her baby whenever she doesn’t feel up to it. She also borrowed hundreds of dollars from me for baby supplies and hasn’t paid anything back.

For the first few months, I helped out as much as I could, often for full days, because I could see how much she was struggling. But recently, I have had to pull back because it was getting to be too much. Alice has not taken it well and says I’m abandoning her in her time of need. Even though I know she’s asking too much of me, I still feel so guilty. I am also a bit concerned for the baby’s safety. There have been periods in the past when Alice was too depressed to leave her bed for days. I’m worried about what could happen if she is left alone with her baby for too long. What is the appropriate amount of help for me to give her as a friend? And how do I find additional resources for her? She desperately needs support, but I can’t do it all myself, and I have no idea where to begin.

—Baby Blues (she/her)

Dear Baby Blues,

You definitely can’t support your friend alone, and you’re not a bad friend for expressing to her that you can only do so much. You are only one person. Your friend, as any new mom, let alone one who was dealing with a lot before having a baby, needs several people close to her lending her a hand.

The first thing you can try is to pull in any other people in Alice’s life who might be willing to help her, but who genuinely don’t know what she and her baby need. Does she have parents, siblings, cousins, other friends you can reach out to? I know when I’m extremely depressed, it’s hard to reach out to most people. It feels like they won’t understand or that I’m bothering them. That’s usually when one friend I trust steps in and says, “Fine, give me the numbers of these people.” Then they take control and ask on my behalf. You can be that person for her.

The next step is to connect her with organizations that have advocates and workers who help people find caregivers. Because she has documented mental and physical disabilities, she should likely qualify for some programs. While many state and federal programs are income-based and she is employed and might not meet that threshold, local nonprofit organizations often help you find respite care for free or billed through your insurance. (For example, if she lives in New York, here’s where she might find some local support. You can do a similar search in your area.)

You mention being worried about her being left alone with the baby for too long. If you truly see and feel there are warning signs, I would be honest with her about it and let her know. While bringing in the authorities is a last resort, I’m sure that if it came down to it, you would do it. You would prioritize the baby’s safety over your friendship and risk your friend being mad at you. It’s a sensitive but important conversation to have. “I care about you, and you know I care about your baby. I want you both to be healthy, but I promise that I will always prioritize the baby’s safety because little [insert sweet name here] deserves that from both of us.”

This is a tough situation. But know that you are doing the best you can for everyone.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My kids are 10 and 11. They know the tooth fairy and the Easter bunny aren’t real. The leprechaun was never allowed in our house. Santa is the holdout. I remember losing that magic as a kid, probably around their age, and it definitely felt like a little light going out. But they keep asking me if he’s real. I keep dodging. What do I say? Friends and cousins tell them he isn’t real. I think deep down they know. But please help me answer their question when they flat-out ask me, “Is Santa real?”

—Bah Humbug (she/her)

Dear Bah Humbug,

I hate it when I can’t give a straight answer! But it really does depend on the kids. Ask them right back, “What do you think?” If your suspicion is correct and they say they think he’s not real, then come clean. It doesn’t mean the magic of the holiday has to be lost. The real magic is in how we treat each other, including doing good for others, and how we use the season to make memories. Just urge them not to ruin Santa for other kids who might still believe in him. After all, taking away the make-believe from others? That’s not in the spirit of the holidays.

—Arionne

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