We’re pretty tolerant to age-gap relationships today.
Five or six years barely raises an eyebrow. Even ten is, for most of us, within a ‘normal’ range.
But push past twenty and people start doing the sums – and judge you for it.
Personally, I believe the age difference itself isn’t the issue. It’s how old you are when it happens.
A 20-year-old with a 40-year-old can work perfectly well, for a while. But twenty eventually turns into forty and a 40-year-old with a 70-year-old is a different story. And a 60-year-old with a 90-year-old...well, you can see where I’m going with this.
The gap stays the same but what each of you are dealing with alters dramatically.
I’ve known quite a few people who fall into this category and have watched with interest as time marches on.
Here’s what I’ve learnt from them.
Tracey Cox reveals the conversations you must have if you're a midlife woman with an older man
THE UPSIDES...
It isn’t all doom – there are plenty of pluses.
You’re often more equal than you look. The older partner is usually settled, financially stable and emotionally mature. This can make them calmer and more generous. The younger partner brings energy, curiosity and a fresh outlook on life.
An age imbalance has advantages. A young person can pull the older one out of a rut: they literally feel ‘young again’. Older partners offer steadiness - they’re less interested in playing games. Highly appealing to someone who’s been treated badly in the past.
You develop a fierce loyalty. You’ve survived years of people staring, commenting and questioning why you’ve chosen each other. You’ve had to decide – repeatedly – why you want to stay together.
Compatibility isn’t necessarily age-related. Lots of 25-year-olds are home bodies and quite happy staying in on Saturday nights. An equal number of 50-year-olds want to be out partying and exploring the world. Matching ages doesn’t mean you want the same things out of life.
AND THE DOWNSIDE...
Some of it is biology, some comes from not thinking ahead and planning. You also can’t discount cultural references.
You can’t change life stages. One of you is building a career while the other is winding down. One wants children, the other already has them and was happy to wave them off into the world.
Family and friends may not approve. And you’ll know about it! Grown-up children from the older partner’s first marriage can be especially unforgiving, particularly if there’s an inheritance concerned. The younger partner will be cast as a ‘gold-digger’ or ‘a phase’.
Your friends don’t mix. His friends are retiring, yours are having babies or going to festivals. With nothing in common, you end up seeing your friends solo, which can feel lonely and highlight the differences.
Health becomes the big divider. This is the part nobody talks about when you first fall in love. If there’s an extreme age gap, the older person will almost certainly face illness, tiredness and loss of libido years or decades before the younger person.
A woman of 45 is often at her most sexually confident and curious. A man of 70 is probably coping with erection issues, medication side-effects and a body that simply doesn’t respond the way it used to.
The younger person may become a carer far sooner than they expected. Dementia is indiscriminate. We assume ‘old people’ illnesses hit in the 80s but they can start as soon as the early 60s. Difficult at any time but worse if your friends are living life to the full and your freedom is restricted.
Something else you need to consider if you’re considering a relationship with someone a lot older or younger...
IS IT HARDER WHEN THE WOMAN IS OLDER?
It wasn’t for me 20 years ago, when I spent a long time dating much younger men.
I did it because I was ambitious and more interested in my career than settling down. Young guys were more fun, up for enjoying life in the moment and less threatened by a successful female.
The women with much younger partners I know now say they are judged more harshly and assumed to be trying to ‘buy’ youth or attention.
The (ewwww) ‘cougar’ label stuck: a word that pretends to be slightly admiring but is completely mocking.
There’s also a biological element: our fertility window closes earlier. A woman in her 30s and early 40s with a man in his 20s has decisions to make that a man of 50 with a woman of 30 doesn’t.
On the other hand, women tend to live longer than men. An older woman with a younger man may have an easier time later in life than the reverse.
My advice to anyone considering an extreme age gap relationship is this. They can be wonderful but the bigger the gap, the more honest you need to be about the future. Because the future arrives faster than you’d both ever anticipated.
You’ll find Tracey’s books, including ‘Great Sex Starts at 50’ at all good book outlets.
Lots of 25-year-olds are home bodies and quite happy staying in on Saturday nights. An equal number of 50-year-olds want to be out partying and exploring the world.
'I REALISE NOW WE WERE IDEALISTS NOT REALISTS'
Sophie, 46, works for an interior design company. Her partner Richard is 71 and a retired surveyor. They’ve been together ten years.
'I’ve been judged since the day I met Richard. Strangers assumed he was my father; women made jokes about "sugar daddies". But it was never about money: I have my own career and income. I just fell in love with a kind, clever man who happened to be older. I still love him deeply: that hasn’t changed.
But I realise now we were idealists not realists. I was certain I’d win over his grown-up daughter, but I never have. She still dislikes me intensely. My family remain unimpressed, too. My mother constantly says, 'Why do you want to spend your life as someone’s carer?'. She has no idea I am terrified that’s about to happen.
Life has got smaller. Richard’s health has changed everything. He had a heart scare two years ago and he’s changed since then. He’s tired a lot.
We used to go out all the time, travel and see both sets of friends. Now it’s doctor’s appointments and early nights. I don’t resent adjusting my life to suit his, but I miss us.
I miss how he was and I miss being touched. Sex stopped some time ago and it’s not something that’s going to be fixed with Viagra. He’s lost interest in any form of intimacy. I don’t want to pressure him because I can see he’s embarrassed. But at 46, I’m not ready to be celibate.
I’m frightened. I’m at the age when I look in the mirror and realise my ‘young’ days are running out and I’m spending them like I’m retired. What do I do in ten years’ time when I’m a widow and way past my pulling age? Am I destined to be alone?
I’ll never leave him, but I am acutely aware of what I may have traded for this love.'
SIDEBAR - WHEN DOES IT WORK BEST?
After years of writing about this subject, this is my honest take on it. It works best when...
You’re older than 25. When you reach your late 20s or 30s, you’re less likely to be overpowered by a power imbalance.
You’re both relatively young. The older you both get, the more each year of difference counts. Being 30 and 50 matters much less than being 70 and 90.
The younger partner has done a lot of living. The happiest age-gap couples I’ve seen are those where the younger person has had their wild years, knows what they want and isn’t going to resent the missed ‘good times’ later.
The older partner is healthy and wants to stay that way. There’s 50 and there’s 50. The person who exercises, eats well and has regular check-ups is a very different partner to one who smokes, drinks and is already complaining of aches and pains.
You’ve discussed money and mortality honestly. Have the awkward conversations early. Talk about health, sex, money, children, care and mortality before you need to.
You keep your own lives. It’s silly to pretend you’ll always want to do the same things and see the same people. Having friends and interests of your own mean you’re not entirely dependent on the relationship for everything.