My wife let herself go so I found a younger lover — but now my penis won’t work

Erectile dysfunction (ED) is a common condition, affecting 10% of men in the UK.

There are various causes, including psychological factors such as stress, anxiety — or guilt.

This week’s reader has no trouble getting an erection alone, but struggles when having sex with his much younger mistress.

Keep reading to hear Laura’s thoughts, but before you go, check out last week’s dilemma, from a woman who’s officially grown sick and tired of financially supporting her boyfriend.

The problem…

I met my wife nearly 30 years ago, at which time she was a very attractive 26-year-old with an amazing body and insatiable sex drive.

I hope it’s not conceited to say that back then, I wasn’t a bad catch myself. 

Three children and four grandchildren later, she’s now overweight, never wears make up or does her hair, wears dowdy clothes she’s had for years, and doesn’t seem to think it’s important to make any effort with her appearance whatsoever.

I can’t even remember the last time we made love. 

She’s quite happy with the grandchildren and her life is now one of a doting nana, who thinks I should be equally happy playing the role of doting grandad. 

Only, I’m not. I’ve never stopped taking care of myself, going to the gym, updating my wardrobe and trying not to let the years catch up with me too much. 

I know you’re waiting for me to say that as a result, I’m having an affair – and I probably would, if I could. Over the last year I’ve become very close to a much younger girl at work, with whom I’ve done just about everything except have penetrative sex. And that’s because I can’t manage it.  

Believe me, I’ve tried but I just can’t perform. This has resulted in me stepping back from the relationship, which is hurting both of us. She is desperate to resume our romance, but I feel I have nothing to offer her. 

I’ve never had any problems before, and when I’m on my own, things still work normally. 

The advice

Erection problems are not uncommon in middle-aged men but if everything works well when you’re alone, I suspect the issue is caused by feelings of guilt about cheating on your wife.

You may also have underlying doubts about whether you’ll make the grade with a younger woman who, despite her age, might be more experienced and adventurous than you. 

Many couples grow apart once their children have flown the nest, and your situation is not unusual.

But before you throw away 30 years of marriage, you should try to sort things out with your wife. Tell her you want to inject some more fun into your relationship; take her out to dinner, treat her to new clothes or hairdos, and encourage her not to give up on her appearance. 

Be mindful that ‘letting yourself go’ can be a sign of deeper, emotional and mental health issues, such as depression. Making your partner feel more loved and wanted could give her the boost she needs to rediscover her sex appeal; but if she’s happy as she is and doesn’t want to change, remember that’s her choice. 

If your efforts come to nothing and you feel there’s no hope, be brave and end the marriage. Stay respectful and without blaming your wife, explain face to face that you want to separate. It will be hard, but it has to be done. 

Until you’ve completely given up on your marriage, don’t lead your colleague on.

Only pursue this relationship when you become free, at which time your erection difficulties will likely disappear. 

Laura is a counsellor and columnist.

Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.

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Get in touch by emailing MetroLifestyleTeam@Metro.co.uk

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