Dear Abigail,
My ex-wife is doing everything she can to alienate me from my siblings.
Four years ago, I went through an acrimonious divorce. When my then-wife and I separated, I was certain that I knew how it would go. We would peacefully and amicably part ways, split assets and our daughter’s time 50-50, and remain friends. We’d text each other happy birthday, hug each other when we crossed paths in person, and be great co-parents to our incredible daughter. I knew this because I’d had several other serious relationships in my life and have remained friends with all of my exes, who are, invariably, great people.
I have never been so wrong about anything in my life.
She hired a nasty low-road attorney and tried to take all of my pre-marriage assets and my company by making a flimsy claim based on a law written to protect same-sex marriages. Her attorney and the system allowed her to wreak absolute havoc on our family. She waged 19 months of litigious war, wasting over $300,000 in fees.
Now to the point: During our marriage, my ex talked incessant trash about my two sisters-in-law, i.e., the wives of my brothers. She thought one was a pretentious and annoying know-it-all and the other was a sad, overweight, too-young and too-clingy person who had latched onto her because she had zero real friends. During our divorce she did a 180 and did everything she could to become best friends with both women.
My ex is now wealthy (thanks to me and to her father, a long-retired divorce attorney), considers herself very stylish, lives in a large home, drives a fancy car, and spends her time on artistic passion projects because she doesn’t have to work. She’s catnip to my sisters-in-law, who are desperate to be upwardly mobile but are not as affluent. They loved her sudden attention.
It wouldn’t be fair to say my brothers are spineless. Perhaps they are wise. Wise enough to accept their wives’ position, which is that I’m the bad guy and my ex is the aggrieved party. She claims that I was emotionally abusive but is unable to provide a single specific example, apart from things like: “He once emptied sand from his shoes on our front doormat.”
Both of my brothers seem to think that it’s easier not to communicate with me than it is to upset their wives. One has a son whom I would enjoy being an uncle to; the other has cancer and is primarily cared for by his wife. In both cases, I have tried repeatedly to reach out and engage with them, but they are both minimally responsive. Our parents are also disappointed: One of my brothers barely speaks to our mom because his wife can’t stand her; the other brother barely speaks to our dad for the same reason. (His wife, who is a prototypical millennial progressive, thinks our father—a PhD who believes in meritocracy—is white male Satan.)
How much more effort should I put into this, and what can I tell my brothers? I want to spend time together with them and our parents, and share the years we have left.
— Matt, 47
Matt,
One of the great mysteries in life is why people rarely offer guidance in areas at which they truly excel. Your remarkably stylish friend is always spouting off about foreign affairs or offering parenting tips. Your neighbor with a PhD in theoretical physics would rather bloviate about Elon Musk than explicate quantum chromodynamics.
I have no idea what your ex-wife did for a living. But I must ask: Would she consider offering a seminar in emotional warfare? Please advise. I’d immediately sign up.
You married a ninja, Matt; what can I say? And then you divorced her. I’m gathering you initiated it since you were quite confident you “knew” how it would go: a peaceful and amicable parting of ways, wishing each other happy birthday over text, hugging each other when you crossed paths. You believed this, you say, because that’s how it went with “all of your exes” with whom you had “serious relationships” and that you “remained friends” with all of them.
From all that extraneous detail, I deduce that you want me to believe that the problem is her, not you. After all, your other “exes” still like you!