Joy, Guilt, Depression, Strength: Psychologist on How Ukrainians Cope in Wartime

“I’m losing my mind,” “I can’t cope anymore,” “keep your sanity.” Ukrainians come across phrases like these on social media on almost every third user’s page, and hear them from friends and relatives.

The war has had a profound impact on Ukrainians, and attacks on cities far from the front line can be just as devastating for people hundreds of kilometers away as they are for those closer to the fighting.

Fear for one’s life, the anticipation of another strike, constant air raid alerts, and guilt over being in the relative safety of the rear while others are having a harder time at the front, are familiar feelings to many Ukrainians.

What should we do? Is it normal to enjoy life when people are being killed by Russian strikes every day? Is it normal to express dissatisfaction with something when others may be in a much worse situation and don’t complain?

Over the past four years, these questions have become a very real and pressing concern for millions of people across Ukraine.

Kyiv Post spoke with Oleksandra Hurovych, a Ukrainian existential psychologist who has spent her professional life working with hundreds of patients, both individually and in group sessions.

The lessons she shared are also relevant to people in other countries. The world faces an arguably unprecedented time of war, conflict and instability, making Ukrainians’ experiences valuable to others.

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Kyiv Post: How do constant Russian strikes, air raid alerts, news of losses, and general uncertainty, affect the mental health of civilians, even if they have not been physically injured themselves?

Oleksandra Hurovych: It really depends on the individual. In my practice, conversations specifically about the war account for no more than 10 percent of all discussions. The impact of the war becomes more tangible when someone in our social circle is serving at the front.

I recommend that people practice information hygiene. In other words, they should avoid consuming endless streams of news and watching war-related reels, and instead, try to live their ordinary lives. You can control only what directly concerns you: your emotions, your feelings and your reactions to what is happening in your life. That is what you should focus on.

What if someone tries to practice information hygiene but is afraid of missing something, of something happening somewhere without them knowing about it, or of losing track of what is happening in the war? What should they do?

This is really an illusion of control. Nothing fundamental will change in two days. Take power outages, for example. People had known for a long time that they were coming. Those who wanted to prepare had time to do so. Those who, for instance, had no opportunity to prepare, simply left things as they were. And that was that.

Knowing that power cuts are coming, that there will be emergency outages, and that electricity may be switched off for 10 hours, does not give a person anything beyond additional anxiety. They start thinking, “What can I do?” In reality, they discover that there is nothing more they can do because they have already done everything within their power.

Instead, the focus should be on what is happening here and now.

What can really help people restore their psychological resources during wartime?

A person goes through a certain cycle. First comes shock, followed by a survival mode in which they try to figure out what to do. After survival comes adaptation, followed by exhaustion, because it is impossible to adapt indefinitely. Then comes integration.

What does integration mean? It means that a person recognizes that the war is part of their personal history. But that part of their history does not define who they are.

Can someone return to a state of shock at any moment after an explosion, even if they have developed coping mechanisms, and begin going through the entire cycle again? Of course. But that does not mean something is wrong with them. These are entirely normal psychological mechanisms.

How can we lower our expectations? A person experiencing a crisis, particularly one caused by the war, may be constantly looking for something that will help them.

Expectations are exhausting. We all understand by now that the war is not going to end quickly. That is the first thing to acknowledge.

We can support our psychological well-being by focusing on what we are experiencing here and now. But that does not mean we should stop planning for the future. We make plans while understanding that they may not work out.

For example, do I want to go on vacation next year? Yes, I do. Will I make plans for it? Yes, I will. Could the trip fail to happen? Yes, it could.

Let’s talk about social media. People often use it to communicate, vent their anger, seek advic,e or for other purposes. What would you recommend using social media for during wartime? And what, conversely, could make a person’s psychological state worse?

I would say that, first and foremost, people use social media to meet their own needs. If someone needs to talk things out, it is understandable that they might go online and do so.

Is that something they should do? Some people feel relieved when they bring their internal level of tension in line with the level of tension they perceive around them.

For example, a person’s stress level may have reached boiling point – 100 degrees. But things outside may be relatively calm, at around 40 degrees, so to speak. They feel the need to bring that external tension up to 100, too.

So the person goes online, stirs things up, writes nasty things to people on social media and vents their anger. Eventually, they feel relieved.

Other people simply read posts. They experience the same level of tension, go online and read what others have written – and feel better. They see that everyone around them is like this or that, or something else entirely, and so on.

Can this become an addiction? Some people call it a new form of electronic marketing.

Yes, I think it can become addictive, just like many other things. Look, we are already addicted to scrolling.

Previously, if a person wanted to experience the same level of pleasure, they had to do something to achieve it. Now, it is enough to open social media, watch something, and they immediately feel a little better.

The problem, however, is that this does not solve the underlying issues.

Is it normal to grow tired of empathizing with others, volunteering, donating, following the news and constantly wanting to be useful during wartime?

Yes, that is absolutely normal.

First comes guilt, followed by shame. Guilt arises because I cannot do something, because I lack the strength or the desire to do it. Then that feeling develops into shame. If helping others is part of my identity, but I can no longer do it, I will feel ashamed.

If you want to get out of this state, you need to accept that you require a break. It does not mean that there is something wrong with you or that you are a bad person. You get tired, too, even of doing good things.

How can we support loved ones who are exhausted if we have almost no emotional resources left?

Support can take many different forms, from a simple kind word to a concrete action. If I do not have the energy to go somewhere or have a deep conversation, I can be honest about that with someone close to me.

For example, I can explain that I simply do not have the emotional resources for it at the moment. But I can still ask, “How are you feeling?” When the person answers, the very fact that I have shown an interest in them can provide the support they need. Sometimes, all it takes is giving someone at least a little of your attention.

We need to be honest with ourselves and with those close to us, and we must not sacrifice ourselves for others.

If you constantly find yourself in a position where everyone needs you and you feel obliged to keep going at any cost, you may end up in a serious psychological crisis. It is simply not worth it.

Take care of yourself.