My Uncle Gravely Offended a Friend at My Wedding. What Happened Next Is One for the History Books.

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Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

My friend “Ada” is a non-practicing Jew who wears a tiny Star of David in solidarity with her people. In the middle of my wedding, I realized that she was missing. When I asked around, my uncle said, “Oh, she’s gone. I told that (derogatory term for a woman) that this was a good Christian wedding and we didn’t need any of that (derogatory term for the Jewish people) crap here…”

I hit him square in the face.

It hard enough to knock him on his ass and, in front of nearly all my and my husband’s closest friends and family, I unleashed an unspeakable torrent of rage. I cannot remember it all, but it certainly included unkind comments about his manhood, his intellect, and his beliefs. He tried climbing to his feet as my husband pulled me away and the best man punched him again to round off a particularly wonderful evening.

I’m horrified at myself, utterly humiliated, and struggling with almost every aspect of this. People are being kind, but I want to make amends and I desperately want to talk to “Ada,” who is not taking my calls. To make matters worse, my uncle has reached out to apologize profusely, paid my parents the costs of the wedding he ruined and said that, if she would hear him, he would like to apologize to Ada in person. My husband is upset, but thinks we need to move on. I am not ready to forgive my uncle or myself. What should I do?

—Rage is Never Righteous

Dear Never Righteous,

I don’t know that I agree that rage is never righteous, but it’s fair to say that violence isn’t. I understand why you regret the assault. That said, when it comes to standing up for a friend who’s being targeted by bigotry, you’re in the hall of fame. You left no question about your position on antisemitism with no hint of, “Well, he’s my uncle and I try not to think about his different beliefs because he’s always been nice to me” cowardice. And you ruined your own wedding day in support of your values. Does Ada know this? Can you somehow let her know? Is there perhaps video of the incident? Again, I can’t support knocking out your adversaries (we don’t want to live in a world where everyone does that. Plus, the old antisemite could have hit his head and died when he fell over and you would have spent the beginning of your marriage on trial), but when it comes to your friendship with Ada, I would think you’d be in pretty good standing.

Congrats on getting your wedding paid for, but you don’t need to forgive your uncle until you see much more evidence of what he’s doing to change his idiotic—and, I assume, deeply entrenched—views. Because unless the two punches did something to the area of the brain where hate resides, they definitely didn’t just go away after your big day. And you should not facilitate his apology to Ada, who likely has no interest in hearing his voice again. Instead, send her a letter or email—whatever you think she’s least likely to avoid reading—apologizing for putting her in a position to be attacked, mentioning that you knocked your uncle out and still aren’t speaking to him, but primarily asking how she’s doing. Tell her you will give her space, but you would love to talk or get together and review the most violent wedding video footage ever if she is ever up for it.

Dear Prudence,

I’m an attorney and very liberal. I have two young kids. My extended family is extremely conservative, Christian, and ardent Trump supporters, ICE supporters, etc. I really dislike being around them because I cannot stand their ignorant viewpoints. My mom wants my family to go to my aunt’s house for Thanksgiving. Everyone there will be staunch supporters of Trump, who I believe is an abuser in many ways. My mom suggested that she just take the kids, because there will be a lot of other kids and they’ll have fun, and I stay home so I don’t have to be around those people. My mom said I’m taking it too far by not allowing my children to be around them. Some of them are nice, but I just feel so uncomfortable. Should I just grin and bear it and bring my kids?

—Hesitant Mama

Dear Hesitant,

“We prefer to have family time on holidays,” “I’m not up for putting the kids in the car and driving them all over town,” and “We just want to stay in pajamas” are all legitimate reasons to miss a family holiday. The desire to avoid people who you don’t respect or like and don’t want to have any influence over your children is an even better one. Stay home and stop giving your mother—who doesn’t share your values or respect your feelings—a vote in decisions that affect your wellbeing. If you want your kids to have a chance to be around their cousins, offer to host a sleepover for the children or take the similarly aged relatives ice skating or for pictures with Santa the day after Thanksgiving. The kind of connection you care about is possible without putting aside everything else that matters to you.

Dear Prudence,

I work at a small company. My boss, “Jane,” is a lovely person, always supporting me and providing great mentorship and advice. She’s most of the reason I really like my job and plan to stay at this company for the long term. I know that Jane has suffered from debilitating back pain and has had surgeries in the past. I notice she often moves very gingerly as if she’s trying to minimize pain.

A few weeks after I started working for her, I noticed that on days when we worked from home (via Zoom calls), she would occasionally seem intoxicated. She would slur her words, curse a lot, lose her train of thought, and yawn frequently. I was alarmed but did nothing. The problem mostly went away over the summer, but recently seems to have returned. Yesterday on a web meeting, I quickly muted her because she was snoring loudly. I don’t notice these issues when she is in the office, only on remote days.

I suspect she is taking pain management meds when she is working from home, but of course that is only speculation. I worry that others will notice, or have already, and that there could be disciplinary action, including termination. I really love working for Jane and do not want her to be fired. At the same time, if she is an addict or has unmanageable pain and needs treatment, I want her to get the help she needs.

Do I tell Jane what I noticed so that she is aware of this behavior? Take some other action? Do nothing?

—My Boss is Obviously High

Dear Obviously High,

Do nothing. I know it must be tough to watch her struggle, but your role as her subordinate makes you the wrong person to address whatever may be going on. Rest assured that if you’re noticing, others who are in a better position to speak to her are, too.

Catch up on this week’s Prudie.

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