For years I have been bugged by the rise of helicopter parenting – not so much among my friends, but the broader societal pressures to micromanage our kids’ lives.
For those who are unaware, helicopter parenting is the modern tendency to hover over our kids and dive in if anything doesn’t go quite to plan.
No matter what your intentions, it’s hard not to get sucked in when everyone is talking about it. I wanted to do the opposite, and follow a “free-range” parenting style, but these days, not many children are allowed to knock at each other’s doors and play on the street. It’s all carefully scheduled play-dates. One well-meaning mum friend was so shocked when she bumped into my then-eight-year-old enjoying her first dose of independence at our very nearby library that she escorted her back home, thinking I must have left her there by mistake.
Now, for my kids’ age group, it is school-leaving time and many are going to university. They should be getting more independent than ever, yet the prospect is sending some parents into helicoptering overdrive. This is becoming increasingly clear in Facebook groups, such as an enormously popular group called What I Wish I Knew About University. But it is not aimed at students – it is for their parents. Topics span the journey from choosing a university through to how to navigate life once they arrive.
I can see how this site offers valuable advice for parents who did not go to university themselves. Even for those who did, like myself, there are useful tips, as the application process is always changing. I asked a couple of basic questions here, and got helpful answers.
But – goodness me – some users of the site reveal an alarming level of interference in the lives of their offspring, or YP (for young person), as the group lingo has it. Some parents ask questions about the merits of different universities, and from their wording it’s clear they expect to be the final decision-maker.
Once the YP is in situ, parents get exercised about minor accommodation gripes, and then get enraged when university staff insist on dealing with the student rather than their parents. It’s a far cry from when I went to university – my parents waved goodbye, drove away and got nothing more than a short weekly phone call until Christmas.
Soon I learned that we can go to the next level by joining a different Facebook group for our YP’s university, to get more specific advice on how to prepare our darlings for their new abodes.
“How warm are the rooms and is there a recommended duvet tog?”
“How much stuff can you fit in the storage spaces underneath the beds?”
“How many kitchen cupboards are there per person and how can you label your kitchen utensils to stop other people using them?”
These are all questions that have been posted by parents of prospective students at the university my youngest daughter has gone to. (Yes, I caved in and joined that Facebook group too.) The parents don’t seem to realise this is the kind of trivia that their offspring, having reached the age of majority, should be able to sort out themselves. And if they can’t, it might be good for them to learn.
One parent asked about a hotel that they could stay in for the duration of Freshers’ Week, so that they could unpack and arrange the YP’s room nicely. They were, thankfully, discouraged from doing this. God help that student if their flatmates had found out this was going on.
As the first weeks of term have passed, a new theme has emerged. Some parents are now posting that their YP is having a hard time making friends. That’s understandable – starting a new life away from home can be difficult and there are bound to be some ups and downs. Incredibly, though, some in this position are seeking parents of others studying the same subject, so the two YPs could meet up. Yes, they are still trying to arrange their offspring’s play dates at the age of 18.
I understand that some young people will have more difficulties because they are neurodivergent or have other needs. But I am sceptical as to whether this applies to all the students whose parents are posting in these groups. Young people who are to become more independent need to, at some point, start figuring things out on their own.
So I would make this plea to those university parents who are currently finding it hard to let go: when your offspring vents about their problems, offer general advice by all means. But try not to get too involved. Distract yourselves by turning their room into a home gym or booking a holiday geared around adults rather than teenagers. Above all, step away from the Facebook groups.