Welcome to How I Do It, the series in which we give you a seven-day sneak peek into the sex life of a stranger.
This week we hear from bisexual Poppy*, 36, who lives in South Yorkshire.
The marketing executive has been with her partner, Jessica*, for seven years. The pair have lived together since 2022, and have sex three times a week, on average.
‘When I was with a man, I was less into sex, but still enjoyed it,’ Poppy explains. ‘However, with a woman, it feels like I’ve hit puberty all over again and rediscovered my love of sex.’
But, there’s one narrative that Poppy finds frustrating now she’s in a relationship with a woman.
‘After I started dating Jessica, a few drinks in, and friend works up the nerve to ask me that killer question: “But how do you, like, have sex?”’
So without further ado, here’s how Poppy got on this week…
The following sex diary is, as you might imagine, not safe for work.
Monday
‘But how do you know when the sex is over with a woman?’ A friend from work is sipping her overpriced latte on our lunchtime walk.
I fumble, saying it’s not linear and can last for hours, but she doesn’t believe me. Her eyes widen as I talk.
At home, Jessica laughs when I bring it up that straight people don’t seem to understand how we have sex, but I’m feeling insecure.
I wonder if our sex life is legitimate, or whether we’re not actually going ‘all the way’.
It’s not like I have much to compare it to. This is my first relationship with a woman. I realised I was bisexual with my ex, but at that point we were committed and monogamous.
When Jessica pulls me in for a kiss, I kiss her back, but pull away and turn over to sleep. My friend’s words are definitely a mood-killer.
Tuesday
Jessica asks me what’s wrong while I’m making dinner. I ask her why we never use toys in the bedroom. She scoffs at first and then looks hurt.
When we first got together, we had sex constantly; multiple times a day. It was so incredible without toys that I guess it didn’t cross our minds.
She asks me if I’m unhappy with our sex life. I tell her that’s absolutely not the case. Before her, I had no idea what sex could be like. I’d never before had multiple orgasms and hadn’t realised intimacy could feel so mind-blowing.
It’s not hyperbole, and she knows it. When we first got together, I used to cry after sex because it was so good. In all my years having of sex with men, I’d never experienced orgasms like it.
It was deeper and more connected. It also lasted a hell of a lot longer, which can’t have hurt.
Jessica seems satisfied, and once we’re in bed, I pull her close, kissing her neck and working my way down her body. I want to make it clear that I love having sex with her.
I give her head, and she moans loudly before climaxing. We don’t always do oral, and when we do it feels special. Like a treat.
We sleep in each other’s arms, and all negative thoughts are gone.
Wednesday
Lovehoney has a sale on, and Jessica sends me links around lunchtime. I hide my phone from my colleagues as I click one. A ‘realistic’ dildo feels off. There’s no man in our relationship, so why would we want a toy that looks like a penis?
‘Not sure about this one,’ I text quickly. She’s typing, but then she stops. A minute later, she replies with: ‘Yeah, you’re probs right.’ No kisses at the end.
She’s sending these for my sake. I’m the one who brought up toys, and she’s trying to give me what she thinks I want.
Jessica doesn’t drop it when I’m home. We sit on the sofa and take a look at more toys. A double-sided dildo catches our eye – it’s U-shaped – and we giggle talking about how it would work.
I imagine the two of us on a seesaw, going up and down out of rhythm. It’s hardly a sexy image. We’re not really taking this seriously. I tell her I don’t really care about toys.
We start looking at massage oil. That, we can get behind. We order that and some matching lacy knickers.
No sooner than we press ‘buy now’, we’re kissing and our hands roam. We have sex with our fingers, and both climax more than once.
Thursday
At work my mind keeps wandering back to last night.
My legs tingle at the memory. I send Jessica a text to tell her I’m thinking about it, and she replies with the heart-eye emoji. I’m on a high for the rest of the day.
Jessica jumps on me the minute I get home, kissing my face and cuddling me. ‘Have you missed me?’ I laugh, and she says yes. She starts telling me about her day as I make dinner.
We don’t have sex tonight, but we sleep intertwined in each other, snuggling. I feel especially close to her right now.
Friday
‘Never have I ever used a strap-on.’
You’d think we’d have outgrown this game by our mid-30s, and yet my friend is looking at me to drink.
We’re at an old man pub after work. I don’t take a sip. ‘What, seriously? But I tho-‘
I interrupt her, saying that we don’t need to. I take a massive gulp of wine, and decide to get into it. I can’t speak for every ‘woman-loving woman’ out there, but to me, the idea of thrusting a fake penis into my girlfriend is anything but sexy.
It feels like pretending to be a man. And I’m not. And that’s completely fine.
She’s getting all serious now. I regret opening this can of worms. ‘But how do you have sex?’
I give her the spiel. I say sex is different for everyone. Some lesbians love strap-ons. Others don’t. I sound like an awareness campaign. I say this aloud, and we both laugh. She orders another wine, and I’m getting braver.
I tell her that we mainly use our hands. That’s our go-to thing, and usually that more than does the job. Except when one of us gets cramp. We laugh again.
Saturday
My head is fuzzy when I wake up, and I regret not eating before the pub last night. I grab the water that Jessica put beside my bed. She’s already up, and I can smell coffee downstairs.
‘Big night was it?’ she teases me, handing me a coffee.
I admit I might have over-shared about our sex life and, to my surprise, she doesn’t seem bothered.
‘I don’t know why people find it so hard to get their head around it. We’re like an enigma to them.’ She giggles, and I’ve never felt more at home.
Still, I’ll never get used to people asking questions they wouldn’t have dared to when I was with a man. It feels off that people are so entitled to ask about how we have sex, as if it’s a novelty.
Frankly, they could just Google it.
Sunday
Jessica calls upstairs to say a package has arrived. We rip it open, and take a look at the knickers. They feel soft, and I can’t wait to wear them. Jessica unscrews the peach oil and smells it, before passing it to me.
That night, while I’m drying my hair after a shower, she walks in wearing just the knickers. She looks incredible. I tell her to come closer and sit on my knee. We start kissing as my hands move to her breasts.
The massage oil is next to the bed, and we use it as we stroke each other’s bodies. We only use our hands this time, but we tease each other kissing and exploring.
I climax, and then focus on her until she does, too. We rest for a few minutes, before she pulls me in and we start again.