My Dad Tragically Died. My Mom Says She’s “Earned the Right” to be Incredibly Mean About It.

Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My parents divorced when I was in high school after years of misery.

When my father died from a stroke last month, my mother went into celebration mode, and the party hasn’t ended. She will tell anyone who will listen what an awful guy my dad was and how the world is now a much better place without him. I get that things ended badly for them, but he was still my dad, and it hurts to hear her denigrate him whenever I see or talk to her, and I have said as much. Her response is to say she’s “earned” the right to gloat over his demise. What can I do to get her to keep her negative comments to herself, short of putting our relationship on pause?

—Disillusioned Daughter

Dear Disillusioned Daughter,

While your mom does have the right to feel how she feels, she doesn’t have the right to say any old thing in front of you. Your father’s death is so fresh. Every friend who has lost a parent tells me that pain never really fully goes away, but after a month, it hasn’t even had a chance to dull slightly. Your mom needs to snap out of it and be more caring.

Have a talk with her when she’s not making those comments and when no one else is around. Sometimes, when parents—even of us adult children—feel like they are put on the spot for their behavior, they are less willing to listen because they feel called out. So, bring it up during a more neutral time. Express how much it truly hurts you. Focus on how her comments are affecting you, as her daughter, specifically. If she is still unwilling to change, I think you might want to put your relationship on pause, not necessarily to be cruel or to try to teach her a lesson, but to help yourself heal. You have to put yourself first right now.

—Arionne

More Advice From Slate

I was recently on a flight where I was seated behind a family with a toddler. I was trying to read my book, but the child was playing games and loud music on his tablet. (That “Baby Shark” song actually slaps but makes it hard to concentrate on anything else.) I leaned over and politely asked the mom, who was in front of me, if her child could use headphones or turn the volume down…