What they’re doing could put us all at risk.
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How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I live in an apartment with three other roommates, and two of them have recently started doing something that I find really annoying, and really risky. Worse, they think they’re being sneaky about it. They’re not.
Basically, they’re having sex with each other. I noticed because I sleep in the room directly in front of one of theirs. I don’t mind this, but I’m concerned about how this could affect our group dynamic. We’re all decent friends and now they’re discreetly sneaking around and clearly don’t want other people to know. What if this goes poorly and ruins our housing situation, or even our friend group? I’m not sure how to navigate this.
—The Door Stays Closed
Video from Slate
Dear The Door Stays Closed,
Sometimes, it’s as though our social bonds are held together by tape. They’re often precarious, prone to snapping at slights or even changes in mood. New information can make tomorrow look a lot different than today. This is part of the social contract: Someone that matters to you may take their love away and not even explain it, nor would they have to. This is just the way things are. All you can do is be loyal, understanding, and hope for the best.
The point, as it applies to your situation, is that you can ask, “What if?,” all day long about things that may alter your current living situation. What if one of you loses your job? What if all of you lose your jobs? What if someone gets sick or injured or otherwise can no longer live with you? What if there’s another global pandemic and you’re all stuck inside together indefinitely? The negativity of anxiety (it can feel awful for one thing) rarely justifies its potential usefulness in concocting scenarios that, should they even happen, at least wouldn’t totally blindside you. You’re better off attempting to mitigate that anxiety than you are attempting to control a situation that you simply cannot.
Since you don’t mind that your roommates are hooking up, you don’t need to interfere. If it seems natural to mention your awareness in a conversation, go ahead and do it while assuring them that you have no issue with this. Tell them they don’t have to sneak around. You can voice your concerns about how this may affect your housing situation/friend group, but understand that whatever assurance they give you is most useful for temporary placation. They can’t predict the future, either.
—Rich
More Advice From Slate
I recently caught my boyfriend on Tinder. He swears he’s never met up with anyone, and that he’s just bored and seeking validation from matches. If they have chemistry, they take their conversation off the app to exchange photos and videos, and he masturbates to them. I asked why he doesn’t just watch porn or talk to cam girls, and he shrugged it off. Does this count as cheating?