My Husband and I Hashed Out Our Estate Plans. He Has an Odd Request.

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions about money here. (It’s anonymous!) 

Dear Pay Dirt,

My husband and I are in our 50s and this is the second marriage for both of us. We recently decided to review our finances/wills/etc. to make sure everything is in order, and we have one point we don’t see eye-to-eye on.

We discussed what our children (he has two kids in their 20s and I have a daughter who is a senior in high school) will receive if we die. His children will each get about $1.5 million. I would get my husband’s 401(k) (worth close to $1 million). So his total assets are about $4 million. I have about $1.3 million in assets including the value of my home, and I have a $1.5 million term life insurance policy that ends when I turn 80. My daughter will get $1 million of that plus my other assets and my husband will get $500,000 from my life insurance.

My husband has asked me to also leave him my 401(k) which is currently worth about $350,000. He says he doesn’t “need” the money, but it would make him feel better if assets were more evenly distributed between himself and my daughter.

I have financial anxiety from growing up with a family that had nothing. My parents died in their 70s in debt and owing on a mortgage. I didn’t receive any financial support from them growing up, and I divorced my first husband primarily due to financial abuse. I don’t want my daughter to struggle the way I did. I realize logically that I am leaving her with plenty, but in my head, it will never be enough. The life insurance isn’t guaranteed if I (hopefully) live past 80. My husband inherited a substantial amount from his dad and will likely inherit another windfall from his uncle in the next decade. I don’t want my husband to be upset with me, but I am struggling with turning over my 401(k) to him, although he is giving his to me. I don’t know what the right answer is, but I would prefer to leave things as they are.

—Can There Ever Be “Even”?

Dear Even,

It sounds like your husband is a little insecure, and I’m not sure why. He admitted he doesn’t need the money, so what does it matter if he’s only getting $500,000 if he has $4 million in assets? Especially since he’s set to inherit even more money.

As a parent, you want to ensure that your daughter is OK after you’re gone, and you’re doing that how you see fit. So no, don’t direct the 401(k) to him. If he asks why explain to him what you’ve told me here: that you have a lot of financial trauma leftover from your childhood and the first marriage that you’re working through. Due to this, you feel more comfortable having your estate drawn up the way it is, ensuring that your daughter is taken care of. If he continues, remind him that it’s nothing against him, this is just how it is for now and you’d be open to talking about it next time you revisit your estate.

If he insists, the next step is to ask yourself how important it is for you to have his 401(k) because if this is the hill you guys are fighting on, it may make sense to tell him you no longer wish to have it. You know, for the sake of fairness.

—Athena Valentine

From: We Have No Idea What To Do With The Absurd Amount Of Money We Got At Our Wedding. (January 28th, 2023).

Dear Pay Dirt,

Is it ever worth it to be honest with a former co-worker? For context, I used to work with someone who is a know-it-all. Yet they struggled with simple tasks and treated feedback as something that was either not meant for them or grounds for threatening to leave because they couldn’t muster basic office courtesy. They were eventually fired and seem to be going on some sort of crusade against the company, acting as if they were massively wronged—but they were actually lucky to have their job as long as they did. They were combative from the start, condescending to co-workers, and constantly made mistakes that they brushed off. They are very intelligent, but I cannot imagine an environment (other than one where they have total control) where they might possibly be happy or not drive everyone around them nuts. As their former manager, who is also no longer at the company, does it make any sense to tell them, “You’re the problem, it’s you,” but nicely?

—Do Not Recommend?

Dear Do Not Recommend, 

Don’t offer unsolicited feedback to someone you don’t even work with anymore. There’s nothing to be gained by you from this. This person will either figure out that they are the problem or continue to feel wronged in the world. They already got fired, which is a blow to anyone’s self-confidence. If that didn’t cause introspection, I doubt your input will. Please save your time and energy; don’t seek out opportunities to provide feedback to someone you already know who receives it poorly.

—Lillian Karabaic

From: My Mom Is About To Sink Thousands Into A Pyramid Scheme. Again. (January 30th, 2023).

Dear Pay Dirt,

Since the recent death of my mother, I’ve been wondering if I should keep my inheritance separate property or commingle it with the joint accounts I share with my husband.

We have no debt, own real estate, and have cash/stocks/401(k)s that total to around $1.25 million. My inheritance is about $100,000 from my mom, but the bulk of her estate is in a trust that I will receive after the death of my father. My share of that will be about $1 million. Mom believed strongly that I should keep it separate property if that makes any difference.  Should I even let my husband know of the inheritance if I won’t be commingling?

—Missing My Mom

Dear Missing My Mom, 

I’m sorry for your loss. You should follow your mother’s wishes and keep your inheritance separate from marital assets—don’t put it into a joint account or even use it to maintain shared property. Your mother may have been explicit about keeping it separate property because she understands the power of having your own money in a marriage. This is especially true if you are a heterosexual couple. Remember, it wasn’t that long ago that married women weren’t allowed to have their own bank accounts. Even though we’ve come a long way with gender equality, some statistics show that women’s household income fell by 41 percent following a divorce after age 50, while men’s fell by only 23 percent. Other researchers have found that the poverty rate for separated women was 27 percent, nearly three times that for divorced men.

Keeping the money separate is a form of insurance for you. Relationships (and people) change and inheritances are treated differently under divorce law in most states as long as it is not commingled. For example, if you put your inheritance into a joint bank account, it may be considered a shared asset and divided equally in case of a divorce. In addition to protecting your assets in the case of a divorce, it may also help to protect the money from your husband’s creditors. I would speak privately with an attorney licensed in your state, so you understand how to keep the money separate in the eyes of the law.

As for telling your husband, I would mention that you’re inheriting some money and that your mother wanted you to keep it as a separate nest egg. No need to provide exact numbers. I would only discuss the million dollars in the trust once your father passes—there’s no reason to bring up money that isn’t yours yet (and depending on the type of trust, you may never see the money if your father needs it for living expenses).

—L.K.

From: My Husband Doesn’t Need To Know About My Inheritance. (January 30th, 2023).

More Money Advice From Slate

I moved in with my boyfriend and I loathe it after just five months. I’m 53 and he’s 49 going on 16. I made a huge mistake and sold the house I was living in (I had planned to move anyway) and put the profits into the house we now share instead of just getting my own place again. I thought I would have enough space in a large house but it hasn’t worked out that way.