When Harriet, 43, became a mom, she expected her children to have the same close relationship with their grandparents that she had with hers.
While they lived a few hundred miles away, her grandparents would visit a few times a year, helping with school drop-offs and pickups, and generally being involved in family life.
"I loved spending time with my grandparents and really looked forward to it," Harriet, who asked for her real name to remain private, told Newsweek. "I, perhaps naively, thought the pattern would repeat."
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The reality has been very different.
She said family time is frequently pushed aside, with summer holidays sometimes passing without her parents seeing their grandchildren because other plans and appointments took priority.
"I know plenty of people who almost have childcare on tap thanks to grandparents and while that's never something I expected from my parents, it has sometimes felt a bit strange to be the only mom in the school playground at pick up time surrounded by grandparents," Harriet said.
Harriet isn't the only parent who feels that today's grandparents are less involved than previous generations.
Across social media, parents have shared stories of struggling to get help from their own parents, even for occasional childcare or support.
Phyllis, 36, (@motherphyllis) argued that many millennials grew up hearing their parents talk excitedly about becoming grandparents, only to find those expectations dashed once grandchildren arrived.
"Y'all couldn't wait to have grandbabies," she said in her clip. "You were so excited about it. And then they get here, and you maybe stop up at the hospital, maybe stop over to the house, you stay for 45 minutes, snap a picture, upload it to Facebook, and then you gotta get home to the dogs."
Phyllis previously told Newsweek that she thinks this is "a common experience" among millennial parents.
So, why don’t boomers want to grandparent?
Jane Eagle, inclusion manager and designated safeguarding lead at Crimson Global Academy and a CPT3A-qualified child well-being specialist, told Newsweek that family life itself has changed dramatically.
"People are working longer, retirement is often delayed, and the cost of living means that many grandparents simply don't have the same freedom or financial security that previous generations may have enjoyed," she said.
Eagle, who is also a grandmother, said that work and other commitments could also play a role in how much time grandparents are able to give.
"I see friends of a similar age who are still working, managing their own commitments and trying to find time to enjoy their grandchildren," she said. "It's not necessarily that they don't want to be involved. Sometimes there simply aren't enough hours in the day."
Availability may only be part of the story. Licensed marriage and family therapist Dr. Azita Sayan said expectations around grandparenting have also shifted, leaving some families with very different ideas about how involved grandparents should be.
"Many young parents are raising children in households where both parents work, childcare is enormously expensive, and they’re exhausted," Sayan told Newsweek. "They naturally look to their parents for help. Meanwhile, their parents may have a completely different vision of what this stage of life should look like."
Sayan described a push-and-pull relationship between boomer parents and their children: One generation is saying, "We need you." The other is saying, "We’ve already done our part."
"And somewhere between those two expectations, relationships begin to suffer," Sayan said. "A grandparent is not automatically an unpaid babysitter, and a grandchild should never become an inconvenience. Those are two very different things."
For Harriet, the difficulty is not that she expected grandparents to provide regular childcare, but that she wanted her children to feel like a meaningful part of their grandparents’ lives.
She said she was happy that her parents were enjoying an active retirement but struggled with how little time they appeared to have for their grandchildren.
"There's always something—a talk or a coffee date—they want to rush back for and we have sometimes gone four or five months without seeing them," Harriet said.
Eagle said longer, healthier lives may also be changing what retirement looks like, with some grandparents traveling, pursuing hobbies or enjoying opportunities they put aside while raising their own children.
Yet while some parents may feel grandparents are becoming less willing to help, research suggests grandparents remain deeply involved in family life.
A 2026 analysis using nationally representative Survey of Income and Program Participation data reported that in 2023, grandparents provided some form of childcare to 47 per cent of children under 5 and 37 per cent of children aged 5 to 10 in the U.S.
Eagle said the value of involved grandparents can extend well beyond childcare, providing children with "a sense of belonging, family history, stability and another trusted adult to turn to."
Sayan stressed that grandparents should not be criticized simply for pursuing their own interests, but said there was a distinction between independence and emotional absence.
"There is a difference between having a life of your own and removing yourself from the lives of people who love you," she said.
But for parents who feel their children rarely see their grandparents, understanding the reasons behind that distance doesn't necessarily make it less painful.
The hardest part for Harriet has not been the lack of practical help, but the emotional distance she feels has developed.
"Were they closer geographically, then I expect I would feel annoyed at the lack of practical support, but I don't think parents have a right to expect that from their own parents or in-laws," she said.
She feels as if her parents aren’t developing a bond with her children in the same way her in-laws do—and have.
"Emotionally, I do feel a bit let down," Harriet said. "If I dwell on it, it can feel upsetting that perhaps my parents aren't really that bothered by or invested in spending time with me and my family. However, there isn't much I can do to change this."