This article contains spoilers for episodes one to six of The Celebrity Traitors
One of the many fun things about watching The Traitors, and The Celebrity Traitors in particular, is that you never know what side of someone the game is going to bring out. Under such intense social and psychological pressure, we get to see vulnerability (Miranda Hart), bossiness (James Blunt), paranoia (Ross Kemp) and disappointment (Amol Rajan) from people we usually know only through their public façade.
In this series, perhaps the main unexpected revelation is that the comedian James Acaster – known for his surreal, self-deprecating stand-up show Cold Lasagne Hate Myself 1999, shouting “POPPADOMS OR BREAD” at celebrities on his podcast Off Menu and having a breakdown on Bake Off – is a massive stud. Real fans know that this shouldn’t be unexpected at all (not least because Acaster’s goofiness is itself, of course, a public persona) but it certainly seems to have taken the internet by surprise.
If Hannah Fry doing back-of-an-envelope statistics at the round table and interpreting Roman numerals under stress left every middle-class dad in the country with a bit of dribble on their chin, reluctant Traitor Acaster has inspired a thirst among young straight women not seen since The Advent of Paul Mescal’s Neck Chain in Normal People, 2020 AD.
As ever with an intense crush, collective or otherwise, this has less to do with Acaster’s objective attractiveness and more to do with projection and what he represents. Men, stop thinking about Hannah Fry’s Excel skills, and pay attention.
The first thing to note is that Acaster is dressing very well. Other celebrities in the castle have taken notes from the show’s esteemed host, Claudia Winkleman, whose outfits have got progressively more ridiculous over the years, and gone full camp. In episode one, Maya Jama’s fur coat was so big she almost couldn’t fit through doors and Joe Lycett walked around last week dressed head to toe in cow print; that’s before we even get on to James Blunt’s 80s-style sportswear, donned to do things like schlep enormous model penises – sorry, “statue bodies” – across Scottish fields in a wheelbarrow.
Anyway, the point is that in this context Acaster – wearing chore jackets, well-cut trousers and expensive T-shirts – looks notably grown-up. More than that, he looks notably stylish in the context of men, generally – whose ability not to care about the clothes they wear genuinely astounds me – and in comparison to his former self. Who knew that the haphazard boy from Kettering who appeared on Taskmaster in 2014 in odd socks and garish colours would be up in the turret in 2026, cutting a dash in beige twill?
Then, there’s the fact he’s a Traitor. Acaster was recruited in the first episode against his will and has said multiple times that he would be doing everything the same if he was a Faithful – yet there’s something about that cloak that just lends someone a bit of bad boy energy. We’ve yet to see much sexual tension in any series of The Traitors (Harry and Molly’s Traitor-and-Faithful close friendship in series two has caused the most speculation), perhaps because for the contestants, that element of mystery and danger is more likely to set their heart racing in anxiety and terror than in excitement and longing. But for the audience, who are in on the secret with them, that villainous streak only adds depth and intrigue.
Best of all, though, is the fact that Acaster didn’t even want to be a Traitor in the first place: rather, he’s the sort of lovely lad whom you could take home to your mum. His nervousness about being a Traitor is making him a strong and silent type at the round table – excellent, what a good listener – while his seemingly being allergic to lying bodes well for obvious reasons. This is not a man who is “figuring out [his] dating goals” – he simply couldn’t handle the stress.
All of which is to say: men, it’s really not that hard. All we ask is that you are simultaneously nerdy and cool, nasty and nice, and that you go into Arket on your way home to buy a moderately priced cotton jacket. Soon enough, everyone will be writing your name on a slate followed by hearts and kisses.