I Got Uninvited to My Friend’s Fancy Dinner Parties With People Who Could Transform My Career. My Husband Is to Blame.

Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily.

Good Job is Slate’s advice column on work. Have a workplace problem big or small? Send it to Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Good Job,

My friend “Jane” is a high-flying executive who hosts amazing dinner parties with very influential guests. I love these events and was sad and disappointed when she stopped inviting me. I finally mustered the courage to confront her about it.

She told me bluntly that she invests a great deal in curating these events and did not want people like my husband attending if they weren’t going to engage or participate.

I get her point, and I am really hurt. When he has a work event, I dress up to the nines and do my best to charm the pants off everyone. When it matters to me, he turns up looking scruffy and bored, inevitably spills food on himself, and then plays on his phone while drinking too much and constantly looking at his watch. He doesn’t feel he’s doing anything wrong, but his behavior has cost me an incredible opportunity to meet people who make a real difference in the world and could have really helped my career.

Is it crazy that I am thinking about leaving him over this? What can I do to make things up with Jane? I feel she has been badly disrespected, and I really want to remain her friend, even if she never invites me again.

—Sorry About Him

Dear Sorry About Him,

Your friend Jane sounds like a true friend. She didn’t wave you off with an insincere “just been busy” non-response. She respected you enough to tell you the truth, which might have been blunt, but it was honest. And it gives you a chance to recalibrate two relationships, yours with her and yours with your husband.

Thank Jane for her honesty. Acknowledge that it couldn’t have been easy to tell you the truth about your husband’s disrespectful behavior, and you needed to hear it. Apologize that you didn’t take his rudeness seriously enough. You’re not apologizing for his behavior—that’s his fault—but for your lack of recognition that he was annoying others, not just embarrassing you. Tell Jane you enjoy her parties and appreciate how thoughtfully she plans them. Promise her that from now on, if she invites you, your husband stays home.

As for your husband, why do you think he is such a dud at these parties? Is he aiming to undermine you in front of your professional network? Does he think your friends and colleagues aren’t worth his time? Is he being grouchy just because you asked him to put on a clean shirt? If you see a pattern of superiority and disrespect toward you (not just your friends), well, this might be a sign that he’s no good for you.

If your husband often feels awkward in crowds, though, or uses up all his social skills at his own job, his rudeness alone probably shouldn’t be a relationship-ender. He could have tried harder to be pleasant or at least told you that he doesn’t feel comfortable at these gatherings. But people aren’t great at predicting their weaknesses. If he is a considerate, loving partner in other ways and you want to stay in your marriage, just make a deal with him that he doesn’t have to come to your events. Unless a spouse is super charming (as you try to be at your husband’s work events), it’s usually easier to navigate professional gatherings without worrying about your plus-one anyway.

—Laura

More Advice From Slate

I am much closer in age to my niece, “Diana,” than any of my own siblings—so Diana’s parents/aunts and uncles. We are only seven years apart. The rest of the niblings are still in the diaper phase. After my sister’s divorce and subsequent (quick) remarriage, Diana took a backseat. Her dad isn’t around much, so she doesn’t get a lot of time or attention. Well, I went to Vegas for a wedding and won a lot of money…