I’ve Been Doing a Favor for My Neighbors. When I Asked for One of My Own, They Shocked Me.

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Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.

Dear Prudence,

My neighbor and I have the same electric car. I had a level two charger installed because I drive a lot for work. It’s faster than her level one charger and much cheaper than a public level three charger. She works from home, so I invited her to charge at my house during the day while I’m gone whenever she wants. This has been so incredibly smooth!

She always texts me when she’s done, so I can check the session price on my charger’s app, and she always pays me back immediately. We communicate really well if one of us has an unusual schedule or needs an overnight charge for a trip; she, in turn, is very good about moving her car as soon as she is done. It’s a very neighborly experience! I don’t get any benefit from this, but it has very little impact on me other than having to check my app and send her a screenshot. Getting a charger installed is very costly. It feels nice to have a resource someone else can benefit from.

The issue is, I recently asked if she and her partner could feed my cats while I’m away for an upcoming weekend. She said, “No, sorry, it’s hard enough keeping these kids fed!” I feel kind of baffled by this. I wasn’t necessarily thinking they owe me one and that it was time to pay up. I just thought the neighbors I had been passively doing a favor for for months would be willing to pop by my house at their convenience to open a can of cat food. They have a cat and have come inside my house in the past to have their kids say hi to my cats, so it’s not an allergy or general animal aversion. Their kids are older toddlers, who I’m sure keep them very busy, but they’re not in school or activities yet and spend most of their days playing in the yard.

They really seem to just not want to do it! This makes me feel really differently about them, but not quite enough to put an end to sharing the charger because, again, it doesn’t affect me that much. Is there anything to do or say here other than just accept that they don’t have the same neighborly inclinations as I do?

—Denied Labor

Dear Denied Labor,

What you’re asking for is a totally reasonable exchange of neighborly favors, so I understand why her response feels disappointing. It’s also true that not all favors are created equal. The one you’ve generously offered requires you to check an app and send a text—probably two minutes of work that you can do while riding the elevator to your office. What you’re asking of the woman next door is a bit more. The fact that she works from home but the kids aren’t in school tells me she is both a stay-at-home and working mother at the same time. While we don’t know how her partner contributes when they are around, the bottom line is that she’s very busy all day long.

Feeding the cats could mean (I’m unsure if her partner works weekends or not!) that she has to leave her two toddlers unattended or bring them into your—I assume, non-childproofed—home, where they could damage something or hurt themselves while she uses the can opener, dishes out the food, and rinses the spoon. That doesn’t sound like a lot, but a lot can happen in those few minutes. Should feeding your cats be too much to ask? Who knows. Reasonable people can disagree about that. But she’s telling you it is too much to ask of her, and that’s probably good information to have if you care about your pets. Perhaps you would have received a different response if you’d asked her partner. Who knows—maybe her partner technically has the time to do it, but she doesn’t want to give up a single moment of their support in the mornings or evenings. Either way, if someone tells you they’re too overwhelmed to do something that’s really important to you—even if you feel they shouldn’t be so overwhelmed—they probably are!

I wouldn’t take this as conclusive information about her neighborly inclinations. If, in order to feel good about letting her use the charger, you need to be assured that she isn’t totally against helping you, ask her for something that doesn’t require her to take her hands and eyes off her toddlers: Go ask to borrow a couple of eggs or a rake, or say your dryer is broken and ask to throw a load into hers. If she shuts you down again, feel free to reevaluate the car charging arrangement. But I don’t think it will come to that.

Classic Prudie

I’m a 24-year-old woman working my first job as a biomedical engineer in a big firm. My older brother is a janitor in our building. I have lunch with him once a week, and we’ve been seen together during the bigger office events, so everyone knows. This was never an issue until the senior manager of another unit said “Yes, I’ve heard of you, you’re the janitor’s sister” when I introduced myself.