As a psychotherapist, I’m gifted a front-row seat to the wonderful world of adolescence. It really is a privilege to hear about their experiences and be invited into their internal worlds as they share their thoughts, feelings, fears, and fantasies. Everyone I’ve met over the three decades I’ve been supporting teenagers and young adults is unique, of course, and what we talk about is confidential, obviously, but there are some things I’d like parents and carers of teens to know, and they would like you to know, too.
1. It’s not “just” a phase
Young people are frequently told that whatever they’re going through is “just a phase,” the implication being that they’ll grow out of it, get over it, or change their minds about whatever “it” may be. Preceding anything with the prefix “just” is minimising and disrespectful. You’re not “just” a mum. They’re not “just” a kid. It’s not “just” a phase. Adolescence is a period of development, sure, but it’s a significant life stage, and those who are growing through it deserve that acknowledgment.
2. Uncertainty doesn’t mean disingenuousness
The fluidity of young people’s thought processes is frequently displayed as ambiguity, confusion, and uncertainty. One minute they’re into something—like really into it—and the next they’re over it. Their ambiguity illustrates the fluidity of adolescence per se and relates to the fluidity of gender and sexual identity in particular. Ambiguity and confusion are ordinary developmental processes, as young people contemplate who they are and wonder about their place in the world. Be patient while they work it out.
3. You don’t know everything—and you don’t need to
Parents don’t know everything about what their children are up to. Even the ones who think they do. Even the ones who check their children’s phones. Secretly checking your children’s phone demonstrates you are not to be trusted, and they really need to be able to trust you, so please don’t. If you want to know what they are up to, ask them. But know this: They won’t tell you everything, and they’ll tell you even less if they think you’ll judge them, lecture them, confiscate their phone or minimise their experiences.
4. Don’t confiscate their phone
Previous generations of teenagers watched TV, read magazines, listened to bands, stuck posters of the ones they fancied on their walls, spoke to their friends about sex—who was doing it, how, and who wasn’t. Contemporary teenagers are doing the same, except they don’t have to be shackled to a landline or invest in physical music players or magazines that tell them how to French kiss or issue posters of celebrity crushes. All this stuff is in their phone. Don’t take it away.
5. Online life is real life
People meet, hang out, and communicate differently in the modern world—through social media, online gaming, and dating apps. Meeting on a dating app is not inferior to meeting offline. An online friend is not less of a friend than the ones at school. If you dismiss your child’s online friends and relationships as “not real,” the conversation’s over; they won’t talk to you because you’ve demonstrated you don’t get it. If you really don’t get it, ask them to help you understand.
6. Development is nonlinear
A key developmental task of adolescence is individuation—the process of becoming a fully formed person with an identity and a robust enough sense of self. The process isn’t linear; it’s experimental. That’s why they keep changing their minds. Bear with them.
7. You need to let them go
A related task is physical and psychological separation, and you’ve been preparing your teens for that since day one. You helped them to manage separations between feeds, then during the school day, then through free time and sleepovers. The task of separation will go better if you’re both on board. If you’re not willing to let them go, they’ll pull harder.
8. It’s all big
Teenagers’ lives often seem theatrical and chaotic—both internally and externally. Big stuff is happening—even if it doesn’t seem big to you—and they have big feelings in response. Validate those feelings, don’t negate them, and please don’t pathologise them.
9. Stay tuned
Adolescence is like a “must-see” drama playing out in real time. Sometimes it’s a psychological thriller, or a romance; other times they’ll throw in a comedic twist. You have a never-ending subscription to the wonderful, turbulent world of adolescence. Stay tuned (in) and stay curious.
Adolescence Essential Reads
10. Listen and love them
Even when it feels like they are pushing you away, what teens need most of all is to be listened to and loved.
My books You’re Not My F*cking Mother and Other Things Gen Z Say in Therapy (PCCS Books, 2024) and Stop F*cking Nodding and Other Things 16-Year-Olds Say in Therapy (PCCS Books, 2022) are collections of fictional short stories about the lives of teenagers and young adults.