In my previous post, I discussed the common origins of estrangement between parent and adult child during the emptying of the family nest.
I shared the story of Robert, who, you may recall, was angry with his son, Andrew, for not continuing to follow the religious pathway that he had so carefully laid out for him. Rather than being interested in Andrew’s personal evolution as he approached college graduation, Robert became critical and judgmental, which was pushing his son away at a critical developmental juncture.
Robert came to consult with me to discuss how to bring Andrew “back into the fold,” which, from his perspective, appeared to mean convincing his son to return to the conventional Christian journey that Andrew had dutifully been traveling since he was a child.
But for Robert to have any success repairing the gash that had opened up in the father-son relationship, he would need to take a look at his own reactivity to Andrew’s autonomy.
Here's a segment from our initial consultation:
R: I just don’t understand what happened. He was so involved in the church, so involved in the campus ministry, and now he’s not doing any of that. He was planning on doing a year of mission work in Ghana after he graduated, and now he told us that he’s not planning on that, either.
Dr. S: Do you know what he’s thinking about doing as an alternative?
R: No, I don’t. That’s one of the problems. It’s like pulling teeth with him right now. He hasn’t said much of anything. He never picks up the phone when my wife and I call, and when he does, he just gives one-word answers.
Dr. S: I understand that there was a blowup when he was home on spring break?
R: Yeah, he didn’t want to go to church with the family. That’s simply not acceptable. There’s no excuse for that. He’s part of the family; he should act like part of the family. After all, I’m paying for his college, you know.
Dr. S: Did you take any time to ask him why he didn’t want to go to church?
R: Why should I? I’m not interested in his reasons for not going; I’m interested in his going—like he always did, like he should do, like everyone else in the family does.
Dr. S: Perhaps that’s part of why he didn’t want to go. Perhaps he wants to strike out on his own, feel a little bit “apart” from the family rather than always feeling like “a part" of the family.
R: I’m all for striking out on your own, but he’s still a part of the family.
Dr. S: Of course he is, and he always will be. But part of his job right now as a young man is becoming his own man, and finding his own way of moving through the world, while still being part of the family.
R: He can be his own man and still go to church, can’t he?
Dr. S: Of course he can. But right now he may be feeling like he needs the opportunity to make decisions independently to see how it feels…and to see how those decisions turn out.
R: Oh, he’ll find out, alright. You can see what’s happening in the world right now as people turn away from religion. It’s a disaster out there.
Dr. S: But we don’t know that he’s turning away from religion. Right now, all we know is that he’s turning away from the form of religious observance that he was raised with, and that he initially planned on following. It doesn’t sound like you know too much about his spiritual life at this point.
R: He won’t tell me!
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Dr. S: Have you asked?
R: (silence)
Dr. S: Could you ask?
R: (after some additional silence) I could. But I’m afraid to find out what he’d have to say. I’m afraid I’d hear that he’s giving up on religion.
Dr. S: But unless you ask, you won’t know. And unless you ask, he may conclude that you don’t have any interest in him and his life unless he’s expressing religious commitment and spiritual devotion according to your definition of them.
R: I might not be happy with what he has to say.
Dr. S: You might not. But he is probably not very happy that he doesn’t feel free to talk to his own father about what he’s thinking and what he’s feeling without being told that he’s being unappreciative and disrespectful. Which may be why he’s pulling away from you.
R: He knows I’m here to talk anytime!
Dr. S: But does he know that you’re here to listen?
It was natural for Robert to want Andrew to continue to cultivate the religious identity that he, as a father, had done, and that he had in mind for his son.
A subsequent session with Robert revealed that he was the youngest of five children, both of his parents worked full-time jobs to make ends meet, and there simply wasn’t much attention paid to him. But he recalled for me how religious school, and the youth minister at his neighborhood church, had supplied him with the emotional resources that his family had been unable to provide. So it was natural for Robert to insist that Andrew travel the fruitful trail that he had been traveling. But it was just as natural for Andrew to push back and find a trail to travel that felt like his own, one that might or might not turn out to mirror his father’s.
Nevertheless, as a result of our consultations, Robert softened his stance and displayed less fear and more curiosity regarding Andrew’s journey. Unsurprisingly, their relationship began to soften as well, and the continued estrangement that they had been veering toward began to feel less inevitable as they figured out how to connect as two adults rather than as a controlling parent and a deferential child.