We’re often not clear about our relationship with vulnerability. Thanks to Brené Brown's work, vulnerability holds a more honored place in the human experience. She calls vulnerability “the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity.” However, when people confuse feeling vulnerable with being vulnerable, vulnerability loses some of its appeal. Let’s look more closely at these two different experiences of vulnerability.
Feeling vulnerable is an internal experience that may include tenderness, sweetness, fear, openheartedness, weakness, fragility, feeling lost or inadequate, feeling loving or kindhearted, and being touched and moved. The belief that accompanies feeling vulnerable is “I’m safe” or “There’s no reason to believe that I will be emotionally or physically harmed.” However, that doesn’t suggest we will feel secure and comfortable as we move from our many ideas into our hearts.
It’s quite a journey, this trip from head to heart. Our minds are a place of sanctuary. We create stories about allegedly being peaceful, safe, and rewarded. There are stories about how your partner and your friends will treat you, what will happen tomorrow, and who will get the promotion at work. When we open our hearts, we temporarily separate from that mental reassurance, feeling less at ease and more concerned.
If I am about to speak to someone with an open heart, I must trust that the listener will respond kindly. Let’s say that I have good reason to believe that the listener will respond with empathy. However, the listener reacts defensively and makes aggressive accusations. The situation has just shifted from my feeling vulnerable to being vulnerable or subjected to emotional hurt. I hope I can muster enough resilience to set boundaries protecting me from the attack. A situation can move from feeling vulnerable to being vulnerable. I don’t want to avoid feeling vulnerable because of the change that can happen. The more I trust that I will take care of myself if a shift happens, the more I give myself permission to feel vulnerable.
Being Vulnerable
Being vulnerable includes feeling vulnerable accompanied by the belief that I am not safe or I’m being subjected to either an emotional or physical threat. As mentioned above, a situation can move from feeling vulnerable to being vulnerable as the listener begins making disparaging remarks about my character.
Several events can leave us being vulnerable. A truck bearing down on you as you’re crossing a street, being in the path of a tornado, being in a home invasion, being in an unexpected storm at sea, brakes becoming inoperable while driving, and being in a house that quickly catches fire or being diagnosed with a catastrophic illness.
Feeling vulnerable can be difficult to distinguish from being vulnerable. As children, when we feel fear, we almost automatically decide we’re not safe. It’s only too easy to recreate “if I’m scared, then I’m not safe” into adulthood. As a result, whenever we feel vulnerable and scared, we believe we’re unsafe. It takes practice to interrupt this coupling between feeling vulnerable and believing we’re unsafe. It’s appropriate to believe we’re not safe when we’re being vulnerable, so we can take action to protect ourselves.
Some Advantages
There are several significant advantages to feeling vulnerable and safe.
- Creativity. We can access new vision as we step away from the status quo or conventional prescriptions. Creativity isn't an option when we’re being vulnerable, since that suggests we’re in survival mode, limiting our choices to fight, flee, or freeze.
- Unity consciousness. Our different ideologies and political positions tend to separate us, while kindheartednes and other vulnerable feelings are common to all of us.
- Empathy. The more permission we give ourselves to feel vulnerable, the more we can identify with others' feelings.
- Authenticity. When we feel vulnerable, we move away from pretense and strategic posturing. We are more likely to be ourselves, represented by uncensored feelings.
- Presence. Feeling vulnerable deepens our capacity to be present, beyond what feels appropriate.
- A rapport builder. When we feel vulnerable with others, we reveal ourselves without filters, which encourages trust. Feeling vulnerable can easily be a building block for emotional intimacy.
To have more experiences of feeling vulnerable and benefit from the consequences means interrupting the link between feeling vulnerable and feeling unsafe. This link is natural in childhood because children are aware of how powerless they are. It also helps to notice that the discomfort that accompanies feeling vulnerable simply comes from moving away from the head toward the heart.