I Receive the Same Message From My Aunt Every Year on the First of October. Then I Have to Convey the Bad News.

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Dear Prudence,

Every year, my aunt by marriage sends me a “Happy Birthday” message on the first of October. She’ll either text me directly, leave a voicemail on my phone, or write a public post on Facebook.

My birthday is actually in March. I’ve thanked her every year and then reminded her to change the date in her address book. She argues that she’s sure my birthday is in October because she saw it on the slideshow at my wedding. I explained that she wrote it down wrong. She promises to change it, but she never does. This has been going on for at least as long as I’ve been married, so 14 years.

This year, I felt fed up and just didn’t reply to her message. She became upset with me, so I told her I would say thanks for the birthday wishes on my actual birthday. I probably should have been less snappy, but I was already having a bad day, and the idea of having to have the same conversation ALL OVER AGAIN just really bugged me right then. Now she’s upset, and she’s complaining to everyone in the family. What should I do?

—Not an October Baby

Dear Not an October Baby,

I assume the people your aunt contacted to complain agree that it’s not unreasonable to correct someone who repeatedly tries to celebrate you on the wrong day. I wonder if any of them have insight into your aunt’s personality quirks, cognitive decline, mental health issues, medication side effects, or whatever might be behind this kind of confusion and persistent stubbornness. Personally, I would feel better if I knew that she wrote down the incorrect birthday for everyone, or that she seriously struggled with dates and memory. If you have a relationship with her outside of the annual inaccurate greeting, this would be good information to have and might help you understand her behavior.

But in the case that you’re not very close to her and don’t plan to be, there’s not much you can do. If it truly pisses you off to see those October messages, I don’t want to urge you to be inauthentic. But if there’s any way you can convince yourself to treat this as someone else’s bizarre fixation and not an insult to you, that would be great. If you could find it within yourself to reply with a heart reaction or “Thanks!” to her private posts and something like, “Thanks, it’s almost my half birthday!” to the public ones (to avoid confusing others), even better.

Dear Prudence,

I met my boyfriend at university in the U.K. over two years ago. He began as my closest friend, and he still is. We laugh at the same things, share the same dreams, and can talk for hours. He is wise, kind, brilliant, and understands me like no one else. I love him deeply.

We managed a long-distance relationship between London and York, but after graduating, he had to return to his parents in Dubai, and now we only have evening calls and texts. He’s applying for jobs in London, but the market is brutal. Now his parents, who don’t care about our relationship, plan to move back to India and want him, a law graduate, to build their new business there. It’s his life, and I want him to be happy, but I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again or whether it’s even worth trying. It’s wearing me down. How do I hold on without losing myself?

—Dubai Distance

Dear Dubai Distance,

You say his parents want him to move back to India, but does he want to? If he’s planning to move back with them to build the family business, and you don’t think you’ll see him again in the foreseeable future, and he hasn’t proposed an explicit plan to make long-distance work and shared a vision of the life you might have, he has essentially ended the relationship without making an announcement about it.

The good news is that you two have a close friendship outside of your romantic connection. Tap into that, along with his kindness and deep understanding of you, and tell him exactly how you’re feeling. “I love you deeply, and I know we share the same dreams, so I’m trying to see what you’re thinking about the move to India and what it might mean for our relationship. Do you think you’ll do it? Would you want to stay together? What would this version of long-distance look like? I want to be with you, but I also want us to talk about the logistics and whether it’s realistic for us to have a relationship. Tell me how you see things.”

He might have a great idea, like “My parents will definitely pay for regular visits if I come home to help them. I’m thinking four times a year,” and you can decide whether that works for you. But if he’s noncommittal, or doesn’t acknowledge the challenge that geography presents in this relationship, the answer to “How do I hold on without losing myself?” is unfortunately going to be: You don’t.

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Dear Prudence,

I am a 30-year-old cisgender woman. I live with my parents, and I’m still a virgin. I don’t think I’m asexual; I’ve just never had the opportunity because I’m really selective about how I spend my time. As I get older, the V situation gets more and more annoying. Do I have to tell someone about it if the opportunity arrives?

—Annoyed With the V

Dear Annoyed,

You’re 30 years old, and you seem to know yourself and your values very well, so if this advice doesn’t line up with how you see sex and romance, disregard it. But I suspect that when you do find a romantic connection with someone, emotional intimacy and openness about all the things that make you you, including your being a virgin, will go hand in hand with deciding you’re ready to have sex. So I’m not saying you have to tell (you don’t), but that hopefully, you’ll want to. And wanting to share that fact about yourself could very well be your sign that this “annoying” situation is about to come to an end.

Classic Prudie

I live in a beautiful (and very expensive) apartment with many amenities: a sprawling rooftop lounge, high tech gym, complimentary refreshments and on-site chefs, medispa, concierge physician, biodata services, well-appointed WFH offices, and much more. After living in highly questionable apartments for years, I finally have the funds to live here. I invited a friend over and she was over the moon…