There’s a Double Standard in How My Mom Treats My Girls. I Know What’s Going on.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have two daughters, “Lindsey” (6) and “Haley” (4). My mother lives nearby, and I’ve noticed that there is a difference in how she treats my two daughters. She’s become more and more distant with Haley, and I think I know why.

I’m the oldest of four siblings. When I was pregnant with Lindsey, my sister, “Jackie,” died after being hit by a drunk driver while she was crossing the street. Haley looks strikingly similar to Jackie, and as she grows, the resemblance grows more obvious. They share a lot of physical features, and they also share a lot of mannerisms and generally have the same temperament.

I think the difference between how my mother treats Haley and how she treats Lindsey (who is the spitting image of my husband) is because Haley looks like Jackie. In fact, I’ve heard my mother accidentally call her “Jackie.” I understand my mother’s grief. I know she felt like she had to hold it together, since our youngest sister was still in high school at the time of Jackie’s death, and our brother was already dealing with incredibly stressful things of his own at the time. Still, I worry that her showing a lot more warmth and love for Lindsey than for Haley will be harmful for Haley. How can I start this conversation with my mother?

—Furthering the Tragedy

Dear Furthering,

It makes sense that you’re worried about the effect your mother’s behavior will have on your daughter. You express a great deal of compassion for everyone in your family, and that can be what you lead with when you talk with your mom about this.

Choose a place and time when you know she’ll be comfortable and the two of you can chat alone, without interruptions. You could start, perhaps, by acknowledging her loss and how much you both loved Jackie, and how you aren’t sure whether your mother ever had time to really pay attention to and make space for her own grief while holding things together for the rest of you.

You can also try to share a little of what you’ve observed; e.g.: “I’ve noticed that you sometimes call Haley ‘Jackie’ by accident. I totally get that. I think she looks a lot like my sister, too.” Give your mom a chance to say more—maybe by asking her how she feels when she notices the similarities between Jackie and Haley, rather than just telling her that you know it’s difficult for her. Whatever she shares about her grief or her feelings, try to listen without arguing or telling her she shouldn’t feel that way.

Then, whether in this conversation or a future one, you can shift your focus to Haley and your mom’s relationship with her. Ask whether she has any complicated feelings about your daughter due to her resemblance to your sistes, and whether she has noticed any difference in how she treats your two girls—again, give her a chance to think about it and try to tell you in her own words. If she denies all of it, you can gently let her know what you’ve seen. Say again that you understand her grief and miss your sister, too, but you will be very sad if that affects her ability to have a close relationship with your daughter. As Haley gets older, you are afraid she will notice what you have noticed, and feel less loved as a result.

You’re pointing out something important that your mother may or may not be conscious of, and letting her know what both she and Haley could lose—but your mom is the one who needs to decide what to do. I know you want her to process her grief and be close to both your daughters. But she has to want those things as well, or neither will happen. So that’s another open question for her: What kind of relationship does she want to have with both Haley and her sister?

If she wants the same thing you want, she can work on being more aware of her feelings and grief and changing how she interacts with Haley. Maybe the two of you can think of some easy, low-stress ways for her to spend time with Haley one-on-one, to strengthen their bond and help your mom get to know your daughter as herself and not a Jackie-lookalike. And if you think your mom would be even slightly open to it, you can eventually suggest that she consider talking with a professional about her grief, as a way of giving herself the time and space she didn’t get after your sister’s death.

I know you’re trying to look out for and protect your daughter while also being compassionate toward your mom. I can tell that you already know which of them ultimately needs to come first for you. You can love and empathize with your mother while recognizing that Haley’s well-being is your highest concern. I really hope your mom can hear what you’re sharing and asking of her—and also feel the love behind it—but if her treatment of Haley doesn’t change or worsens, you may need to establish firmer boundaries with her in order to limit the potential harm to your daughter.

—Nicole

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