As someone who’s spent much of my career studying friendship, I thought I had a fairly good idea what women needed from friendships. Still, I was curious to see what would emerge when women across the lifespan were asked this question. I reviewed hundreds of responses from women in their 20s through their 70s about what they needed most from the women and friends in their lives. Their answers offered a glimpse into what women value most in their friendships. This follows up an earlier post on what women need from their partners.
Across the responses, I kept seeing variations on the same theme. Whether women talked about support, trust, understanding, acceptance, loyalty, or being truly heard, they seemed to be describing different facets of the same need: emotionally safe friendships. I expected the answers to vary considerably by age. After all, women's lives often look quite different at 25, 45, and 75. Instead, what struck me was how similar the responses were. Across the lifespan, what we need from our friends may not change nearly as much as we think, even if the way we express those needs does.
These insights came from my online survey that grew out of a 2018 Psychology Today post exploring what women want from men in romantic relationships. Between 2018 and 2023, 108 women completed the survey, sharing their perspectives on the qualities they value most in a partner. Although the respondents do not represent a scientific sample of all women, their responses offer a revealing glimpse into the characteristics many associate with healthy, satisfying relationships.
We Never Outgrow the Need for Support
Support was the most frequently mentioned need across age groups, and some women answered with just that one word: support. Others expanded on what support meant to them, describing a need for "unconditional support" and friendships that would "build each other up instead of tearing each other down." Across the lifespan, women repeatedly expressed a desire for friends who would be dependable, encouraging, and present during challenging times.
What struck me was that support wasn't described as rescuing, fixing, or solving problems. Instead, women described wanting friends who would stay present during life's inevitable challenges. Support, in other words, isn't about taking away someone's struggle. It's about making sure she doesn't have to carry it alone.
Women Want to Be Understood, Not Just Heard
Being understood was another recurring need. One respondent wrote that she needed "understanding without judgment." Another said she longed for women who could understand that one’s experiences don’t need to match another’s in order to show empathy. This distinction is important. Listening is about slowing down enough to hear someone's words. Understanding goes deeper. It requires us to put aside our own assumptions long enough to appreciate another person's experiences.
As I read these responses, I was reminded of how often people rush to offer advice when what is actually needed is validation. Many women seemed to be saying, "I don't need you to solve this. I need you to understand what it's like to live it." It’s a different request. I’ve had more than one client share that they don’t take their problems to partners because partners want to find solutions, not simply let them share their stories. Fixes are helpful in their own time, but sometimes people need room to tell their stories before they’re ready to hear solutions.
Acceptance Matters More Than Agreement
One of the strongest themes across all age groups was the desire for less judgment. Women repeatedly mentioned wanting "support without judgment," "acceptance," and "the ability and safety to talk about life experiences without criticism or judgment." One older participant wrote that she wanted "someone to talk to that isn't judgmental and full of advice . . . someone who knows how to listen."
As a counselor, that response lingered with me. In a culture fueled by comparison and endless self-improvement messages, many women seemed to be describing a longing for relationships where they don't have to perform, compete, or prove themselves. They simply want to be accepted for who they are.
Friendship Is Not About Competition
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Younger women, in particular, frequently referenced competition among women. Some explicitly wished women would "stop seeing other women as competitors." Others talked about wanting more compassion, kindness, and mutual support. Although concerns about comparison appeared most frequently among younger women, versions of this theme emerged across age groups.
Friendship thrives when there is enough emotional space for everyone to succeed. It is difficult to feel close to someone if you suspect she is quietly keeping score. Perhaps one of the greatest gifts women can offer one another is freedom from comparison. We know that misery loves company, but being there to celebrate a friend’s successes is every bit as important.
As We Age, Friendship May Become Even More Precious
The biggest surprise came from the oldest women. Their answers weren't fundamentally different from younger women's answers. They still wanted support, understanding, trust, and acceptance. What seemed different was the way they described those needs. Older respondents were more likely to talk about companionship, connection, and simply having someone to talk with. One woman said she wanted "a good listener." Another wrote that she needed "friendship and camaraderie." A third described needing "someone who understands and is there."
As we grow older, friendship circles often become smaller and more selective. Our friends may move away, relationships can change, and losses accumulate. These realities may help explain why companionship, connection, and simply having someone who is "there" felt especially meaningful in the responses of older women.
A Friendship Check-In
As you think about your own friendships, consider these questions:
- Do my friends feel heard when they talk to me?
- Am I more likely to offer advice or understanding?
- Do the women in my life know they can be vulnerable without being judged?
- Am I building other women up, or unintentionally comparing myself to them?
- Who in my life might benefit from a phone call, a text, or a reminder that they're not alone?
The women in this survey differed in age, life circumstances, and life experiences, yet their answers pointed in the same direction. Beneath our hopes for friendship lies a common desire. We want to know there is someone who will listen, understand, and stay. If there's one thing women seem to need most from their friends, it’s the experience of feeling safe enough to be fully themselves.