My interest in twins is personal, professional, and profound. As far back as I can remember, curious strangers always asked my sister and me, “Are you twins?” when they saw us together. Often, being a twin generated a lot of entertainment, attention, comfort, and approval for both of us. Alongside the good times, however, were horrendous fights over who got more ice cream, or who was right and who was wrong. Whatever was happening, for better or worse, I was an identical twin.
And I still am an identical twin who has been asked over and over again by people who know both of us, "Which one are you?" This question still hurts, along with too much curiosity from strangers about my/our twinship.
Additionally, my long-standing interest in twin development is based on my own unique "twin superpower," being able to read my sister's mind or knowing when she is sad, hurt, or in trouble. But looked at differently, I know there are serious communication difficulties for twins who are learning to relate to non-twins who do not and cannot share the very intense closeness that twins share. And, obviously, non-twins have trouble when they try to understand twins’ verbal and non-verbal communication.
For example, onlookers wonder when they watch twins communicate thoughts and feelings without words: “What is your sister or brother telling you non-verbally?” These communication problems are psychologically compensated for or tolerated because of the remarkable enjoyment of being a twin, having regular companionship, and being able to understand each other without talking. Unfortunately, interdependency, over-identification, and confusion, which are aspects of twin identity, come out or can be observed as twins set up their own communication styles and try to relate to the non-twin world in general. Twin communication is a subject worthy of much further investigation.
Psychological Issues Particular to Twins
1. Too Much Sharing Is Inevitable for Twins
Twins have different psychological issues to deal with than single children. Twins have to share their parents’ attention and personal space. Having to share with your sister or brother will limit and complicate their (the twins’) singular identities and focus even more attention on their already highly noticeable twinship.
As well, children who are twins have deeply profound and intense relationships with each other, which easily causes identity confusion. One example might be personally taking on your brother's or sister's poor grade in math as if it were your grade and your fault that he or she did extremely poorly. Another example involves thinking that you can share your friends and, when you are grown-up adults, your children, because you are “copies” of one another. This assumption is clearly not true and is a wrong direction to take as a twin. Learning not to automatically share is a personal value that twins need to learn and respect. Being that I am an identical twin, I had problems because I felt guilty when I did not want to share with my family members and very close friends.
2. What Is Mine Is Not Necessarily Yours
"Who owns what" is a lesson that twins need to learn in order to develop their individuality and to deal with their confusing twin problems. With twins, everyone close tends to get involved.
Another aspect of having to learn to stop sharing is related to feeling like you are betraying your twin if you get something she/he wants to have. Giving away or showing too much interest in which twin has a special toy, dress, or pair of boots limits the twins’ ability to make their own decisions that are based on their own interests, not their twin's. A glaring example that lasted for many years was my lack of interest in exotic places and my sister’s obsession with travel. Thankfully, we never agreed on the best vacation or holiday destination, but it could have happened easily if my financial situation were stronger.
While “who makes the decisions” or “who is right or wrong” can cause enormous rage no matter how carefully twins try to be reasonable with each other, settling these ownership issues and determining who is right and who is not can be an ongoing, almost impossible challenge. My perceptions and opinions are based on my twin consulting experiences, my writing, and my own life experiences. If you are not a twin, this may be difficult to feel and fully comprehend.
Conclusions
There are distinct changes in the twin relationship as twins separate and slowly find how they are the same but also very different. If you are a twin or close to a twin, remember to value who you are as an individual and how being a twin can provide special advantages when empathy is necessary and extremely valuable. Keeping this in mind will help you get along with your twin. Sometimes you can't understand why your twin is making decisions that seem ridiculous or are sure to be ineffective. Don't bombard your twin with your opinion. Trying to understand how you see situations differently will help both of you, and any third person who is involved, to survive the argument. Remember that your opinion is just your opinion and that you are two people who see the world differently, which is healthy and seriously important to the growth of individuality.
While being a twin is fun and affords a lot of special attention, separating from your twin takes many long and hard years.
Ideas to Reflect Upon as You Develop Individuality
1. How am I different from my brother or sister?
2. Why is winning so important to me?
3. Is cutting off your relationship with your twin necessary?
Understanding Twins Essential Reads
4. Can I find other twins to share my misunderstandings and disappointments with?
5. Do my twin and I have different objects and friends that are not shared?