This article is the first in a series that provides practical takeaways from three pioneers in family conflict resolution, who through their decades of experience have become internationally respected peacemakers and trainers of families and divorce professionals.
According to the Association for Conflict Resolution, a U.S. nonprofit organization, Conflict Resolution Day was conceived in 2005 to:
- "Promote awareness of mediation, arbitration, conciliation and other creative, peaceful means of resolving conflict;
- Promote the use of conflict resolution in schools, families, businesses, communities, governments and the legal system;
- Recognize the significant contributions of (peaceful) conflict resolvers;
- Obtain national synergy by having celebrations happen across the country and around the world on the same day."
October has become a time to promote and celebrate peaceful conflict resolution practices worldwide.
Gray divorce refers to divorce between couples aged 50 and older. To provide information about ways for gray divorce family members to resolve conflict, I spoke with Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., who is the pioneer of High Conflict Personality Theory, author of over 25 books, and the co-founder of the High Conflict Institute with Megan Hunter, MBA.
Carol Hughes: Looking back over your career, what experiences or realizations led you to believe there had to be a better way for families to resolve the conflicts of divorce?
Bill Eddy: I was trained in child and family counseling in 1980, when I got my master’s in social work degree. Included in our training was an introduction to personality disorders, which helped in several of my cases. I practiced part-time and full-time as a therapist over the next 12 years, including in a psychiatric hospital and an out-patient clinic. Many of my clients were involved in divorces and family court. I was already aware of mediation as a better out-of-court solution for most families, but if one parent wanted to go to court, that is where they ended up. I also recognized that many families involved in “high conflict” cases included one or two parents with personality disorders or traits. They really were not being well served in the adversarial process of court, so I wanted to make court and mediation fit their needs better. I believed that it would be better to calm the conflict and focus on teaching parents skills to be more successful, rather than to get stuck fighting.
CH: After decades of working with divorcing families, what is the one thing you most wish families understood about conflict during divorce?
BE: That the conflict can be managed by learning and practicing helpful skills yourself, rather than focusing on the other person. Even one person learning good communication and self-management skills can calm a conflict and help the children.
CH: At some point, you chose to extend your work beyond helping individual families to writing, teaching, and training other professionals. What inspired you to broaden your reach, and what did you hope would change as a result?
BE: I always like going to conferences and learning more about counseling, mediation, and law. I offered a workshop at one about dealing with personality disorders in mediation, and I expected 30 people, but 200 showed up! At that point in 2004, I realized there was a big need for all professionals to learn about personality disorders and skills for helping them resolve their disputes. That started me on a teaching and writing career, and I co-founded High Conflict Institute in 2008 to promote that.
CH: After all you have witnessed and learned over the course of your career, what gives you hope about the future of how families experience and resolve divorce conflict?
BE: I have seen many parents and families manage their conflicts better by learning a set of simple skills that I developed for the High Conflict Institute and which are being taught widely now: EAR [Empathy, Attention, and Respect] statements for verbally calming emotions; BIFF [Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm] emails and texts to end the written hostility; SLIC [Setting Limits and Imposing Consequences] solutions on high conflict behavior; SWYP [So, What's Your Proposal?] for making agreements in three steps; and New Ways for Families as an online class and counseling method for teaching all of these. The skills approach is much more positive than the shame and blame approach common in court.
CH: What is the biggest mistake well-meaning family members or professionals make when trying to calm a high-conflict divorce?
BE: Getting angry at people for not acting reasonably, when they don’t have the skills to do that yet. Trying to get people to have insight into their own behavior, focusing too much on the past, and opening up emotions makes things worse. Teaching skills to use in the future is where change is possible, but this takes a lot of repetition and practice, which family members and professionals should encourage. Getting difficult co-parents “on the other side” into structured programs to learn better skills is often necessary. That’s why we teach our New Ways for Families skills to both parents, so reasonable parents have some skills to use with the other parent, and high conflict parents have a structure to learn better skills in.
CH: What is the most important takeaway you want readers to know about conflict resolution?
BE: Conflict is normal and okay on its own. High conflict is unhelpful and can be harmful. Learning conflict resolution skills is something the whole family can do. That’s why we teach our New Ways for Families skills to parents and encourage them to teach their children as well. The “4 Big Skills” [flexible thinking, managed emotions, moderate behaviors, and checking yourself] that we teach can help them all for a lifetime.
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In the next post, Canadian lawyer Jacinta Gallant shares how she uses curiosity, listening, and client preparation to lower conflict before families experiencing gray divorce begin creating solutions.
To find a therapist, please visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
Copyright 2026 Carol R. Hughes, Ph.D.