In TV and movies, the heterosexual sex scene usually plays out this way: the man gets on top of the woman, enters her, and then makes her orgasm in the matter of a few strokes.
If you are a woman living in reality, this is almost never the case. Only 18 percent of women can achieve orgasm through penetration alone. For the rest of the population, it’s typically clitoral stimulation or some form of combination of both that are needed to get there.
Okay, so a lot of us know this already. But often, when we talk about the importance of clitoral stimulation, we speak about it as a means of orgasm. And while we love the big O, she’s not all there is to pleasurable, satisfying sex. The orgasm is just one part of sex (even if it is a super strong one). All of the parts of the sex that lead up to an orgasm—and yes, even after one—should be enjoyable as well. And for some women, the clitoris is a lot more than just a means of climax—it may be the only part of sex that really feels physically pleasurable.
Something being pleasurable doesn’t necessarily mean it’s orgasmic.
Now, this isn’t to say that women don’t enjoy penetrative sex. For many women, penetrative sex is hot, fun, and just really delicious. But for some, it’s not the physical act of P in V that makes them moan and sigh.
Something being pleasurable doesn’t necessarily mean it’s orgasmic. Something doesn’t have to make you come—or even feel particularly intense—to be something you enjoy during sex.
“There's lots of research that points to clitoral stimulation being ‘more important’ or a more reliable route to orgasm,” Dame CEO and sexologist Alexandra Fine tells Cosmopolitan. “But that doesn't mean people with vaginas don't have physical pleasure from penetration. It's just not the most physical, the most sensation, or the most pleasure.”
For some women, the physical sensation of penetration may be relatively subtle compared with what they experience from external stimulation. I personally get a lot of really yummy sensations during penetrative sex, but I have friends that don’t. Everyone has a different anatomy, so what feels great for one person can feel just “okay” to another.
So why do it?
“I think a lot of people continue to engage in penetration, and it's appealing to them even if it's not their most reliable route to orgasm or a route to orgasm at all, because it is our main concept of what sex is.”
We tend to talk about penetration as if it’s the sex act, and everything else is a less important afterthought. But sex isn't exactly a menu where you're required to pick the one activity that produces the most sensation and skip everything else. There’s the physical pleasure, sure, but there’s also arousal, anticipation, intimacy, feeling desired, being close to someone, and simply enjoying the experience of having sex with your partner. All of those things can contribute to whether sex feels good.
Additionally, research on women’s sexual experiences suggests that what feels good during penetration can involve a lot more than the in-and-out movement itself.
In one study of more than 3,000 U.S. women, researchers identified several techniques women use to make vaginal penetration more pleasurable. One was “pairing,” or adding clitoral stimulation during penetration. Another was “shallowing,” which involves stimulation around the vaginal opening rather than deep penetration. And another was “rocking,” where the penis or toy remains inside while the pelvis moves in a way that can create more stimulation around the clitoris.
As Fine points out, even something as simple as changing your position or using a pillow for support can change the sensations you experience.
And if penetration isn't particularly pleasurable for you—or is actively painful—that's a different story. Pain during sex is common enough to deserve attention, but it isn't something you have to grit your teeth through just because penetration is supposedly what “real” sex is. Conditions such as vaginismus can make penetration painful or difficult, and persistent pain is worth talking to a healthcare provider about.
But also, you don't need a medical condition to simply... not be that into the sensation.
Sex is an ongoing journey and lesson into your own likes and dislikes. Though penetrative sex is demonstrated to us as the end-all-be-all, it’s just one part of the great big delicious pie of sexual intimacy and pleasure. There are so many other parts to to sink your teeth into.