Everyone has narcissistic tendencies, yet if these tendencies are extreme, they prevent a person from being an emotionally safe person in a close relationship, meaning it is difficult for them to perspective-take, have empathy in place of sympathy, be truly accountable, look in the mirror, and be aware of how their words and actions impact loved ones. They may also have a victim stance which protects them from having to take accountability because they rewrite history and place themselves as the “victim” in the scenario and you as the “villain.” This may lead them to unfairly attack and mischaracterize you. Yet, when all the smoke disappears, they move on like nothing ever happened.
You suffer significantly, and they have no idea that they are continually hurting you because they distort things to view themselves as innocent. However, their lack of self-awareness and distortions cannot excuse their emotional mistreatment of others. Nor can you continue to enable them at your cost. It is an impossible situation.
However, if people are educated on the origins of narcissism, where it starts, and how it happens, they can identify ways to protect themselves. More importantly, as a culture, we can try to prevent it from happening in the first place.
The Link Between Insecure Attachment and Narcissism
The research indicates that narcissism stems from an insecure attachment style. This does not mean that if you feel insecure in a relationship that you automatically have an insecure attachment style. For example, a narcissist exploits your insecurities by being hot and cold, amongst other things. And, in many cases, if you are aware of your insecurities and grapple with them daily, you may be strong enough to handle your flaws. You take responsibility for them instead of projecting them onto others. This is a sign of a secure attachment style.
So, let’s start at the very beginning. Barring significant impairment, all infants enter this world neurologically programmed to attach. Cross culturally, all infants cry, grope, make eye contact, smile, babble, root, and routinely exhibit a preference for their primary caregiver. When the primary caregiver is emotionally attuned, they pick up on the baby’s signals, and consistently respond with empathy, meaning they routinely meet the baby’s needs and regularly comfort the baby in times of distress. Delighting in the young child’s accomplishments and mirroring the child during play are also important parental tasks that help solidify a secure attachment between the primary attachment figure and baby. The baby develops trust in the caregiver and feels loved. The result is a healthy sense of self which can produce an adult who is strong enough to handle their flaws, have empathy, be accountable, and take a loved one’s perspective to try to understand them better, even if they have a differing feeling or opinion.
Alternatively, when a primary caregiver is self-absorbed and emotionally unavailable, they miss the infant’s cries for help and tend to perceive the infant as a burden… almost as if the baby’s needs are an imposition. Because they view the infant as someone that is trying to hinder them, they feel it is okay to ignore, dismiss, and admonish the baby for having needs.
How Chronic Neglect Shapes Insecure (Avoidant) Attachment
If the infant, despite their signals of distress, is routinely ignored for lengthy periods of time on a long-term basis, they experience significant emotional pain. Their trust in their caregiver begins to wane. If this continues for most of their first two years, the infant’s belief in their attachment figure may dissipate and they withdraw. They stop signaling for help because the hurt intensifies when they are ignored and it can feel unbearable. They learn that they can only count on themselves. Being vulnerable, trusting, having empathy for others, and being accountable are next to impossible because they rarely experienced it in their attachment relationship. They tend to fold into themselves and focus on protecting themselves from any further pain. This defensiveness and egocentrism may begin to take hold to protect a sense of self that is so fragile that, in adulthood, they may always need to have the upper hand in their relationships, even if it means emotionally mistreating a partner to get it. This is often referred to as an insecure (avoidant) attachment style.
Almost as detrimental is the primary attachment figure who is erratic and unpredictable in their responses to the baby. Sometimes they offer comfort and sometimes they neglect the infant. The small child cannot trust that the caretaker will help them because this attachment figure has been egregiously inconsistent for long stretches of time. Thus, the child cannot be vulnerable and signal for help because they do not know if they will be soothed or rejected. The conflict is so intense that they cannot chance it. They resort to continuous and epic temper tantrums and oppositional behaviors to force their attachment figure to remain close, and to control them. The child prefers control over closeness because their caregiver has been too unreliable. They need to control an attachment figure because the bond is too flimsy. This often leads to emotionally controlling behaviors in adulthood and is frequently referred to as an insecure (disorganized) attachment style.
The research also shows that an insecure attachment style, whether it be avoidant or disorganized, is the predictor of narcissism in adulthood. Conversely, a secure attachment style is the predictor of emotional intelligence in adulthood. These links seem to be incredibly important concepts these days. You can find more information on this topic in my book, How to Outsmart a Narcissist, Use Emotional Intelligence to Regain Control at Home, at Work and in Life.