It causes an argument every time you ask but you ask anyway. 'Did you love her more than me?' 'Was she better in bed?' 'Did you take her here?'
Once you’ve got the answer, you hate yourself for asking but feel reassured. An hour later, you’re asking again.
Welcome to retroactive jealousy: a surprisingly common, deeply miserable condition of being tormented by your partner’s romantic and sexual past.
Anyone can be affected by it: new couples who’ve only just met and those who’ve been married for 20 years. Here’s what it looks like – and how to stop.
It starts with interrogation
The seeds are sown during that initial getting to know each other stage when you tell your stories.
You skip the ‘Do you know how many stars you can see in Tibet’ whimsical recollections and go straight for the jugular.
Exes. You want details – who, where, when, how many, how good. The more info you get, the more you want.
'I’m just curious,' you say, cutely. But you’re not.
You’re gathering evidence for a case you’ve already decided you’ll fail.
Tracey Cox highlights the signs of retroactive jealousy: a surprisingly common, deeply miserable condition of being tormented by your partner’s romantic and sexual past
Comparison comes next
You measure yourself against the ex (one or all), in every department. Looks, career, body, sexiness, performance in bed, how long they lasted, how much your partner adored them, how much their family liked them. Hell, even the dog isn’t safe ('Who did Bitsy like more: her or me?').
You scrutinise old holiday pics and conclude she’s thinner/younger/funnier/more successful/more fun than you are.
The obsessive snooping kicks in
Your partner’s asleep but you’re up at 2am scrolling back through her Instagram. You zoom in on her face, her friends, her tagged locations.
You know the date of her new partner’s birthday. You know what she had for lunch in 2017. You search through his old emails, check boxes in the loft for old photos, read letters and birthday cards.
Lots of women suffer from intrusive images. You picture your partner with them at the supermarket, when you’re having sex, when he says I love you – and you can’t make them stop.
This level of forensic fixation is exhausting.
Tell friends you’re a ‘little’ obsessed with his ex they assume you’re looking for proof of a current betrayal. Or that you think he’s still hung up on her.
I’m not talking, by the way, about instances where you have something to be anxious about. If he still likes her photos, talks about her too fondly and is still in touch, it can feel threatening (and might be). Retroactive jealousy is something different: you feel threatened without any basis.
You’re not looking for infidelity but proof that you came second.
Why would we do that?
Why we do it
Let me count the ways...
1. Low self-esteem. If you don’t believe you’re lovable or desirable, every ex becomes a rival who proves your suspicion.
2. Your own past wasn’t as exciting. If they’ve had a big, adventurous romantic life and you didn’t, you can feel envious of their experiences. This is regret disguised as jealousy.
3. You have an anxious attachment style. People who crave constant reassurance and fear abandonment are far more prone to experience this. Their brains are on high alert for threat.
4. You’re a ruminator. Some of us are simply wired to latch onto a worry and replay things on a loop.
5. Your partner is too honest or not honest enough. Ironically, both cause problems. If they’ve overshared graphic images, they’re hard to erase. If they’re vague or evasive, your imagination fills in the gaps with something far worse than the truth.
6. You see love as finite. There’s only a limited amount to go around and your partner spent some of it already. The truth is the opposite: loving people get better at it. Our hearts are capable of endless specialness, love and passion.
7. Society and social media made you do it. We live in an age of constant comparison. It’s very easy to feel you don’t measure up.
Low self-esteem, an anxious attachment style and chronic ruminating can trigger retroactive jealousy
The bottom line
You can’t change what happened before you arrived. But you do get to decide what you do with the present.
You’ll find practical solutions on how to stop feeling this way in the tips box.
But a good thought to hang onto is this: You might not have been the first, but they chose you NOW.
Isn’t that all that really matters?
You’ll find Tracey’s latest book, Great Sex Starts At 50, at any major bookshop.
THE GHOST WHO CAN’T BE BEATEN
If you think a living ex is hard to compete with, try competing with a dead one.
When a partner’s previous spouse or lover has died, they are frozen in time. They never age, never nag and never get the chance to be annoying, disappointing or ordinary.
Death tends to produce a highlights reel that deletes the bad times.
The result is a kind of sainthood. The deceased becomes the perfect wife or lover and you – an actual human being with flaws – are judged against someone who no longer has any.
What makes it even more cruel is that you can’t challenge it. You can’t say, 'She wasn’t that wonderful', because you’d sound heartless.
If you’re in this position, it’s worth remembering that grief and new love can co-exist. Your partner can love someone who died and still love you.
You will never erase her so, instead, acknowledge her.
A photo somewhere in the house doesn’t threaten you but may make him feel less guilty for being happy again and reassure his kids. Ask about her, listen without competing, and let your partner know there’s room for both of you in his heart. Make friends with the ghost and she’ll stop haunting you.
SIDEBAR
HOW TO STOP
The good news is that retroactive jealousy does tend to fade with time. Tackle it head on and you’ll speed up the process.
Remember, the past is why you love your partner. Every experience, good and bad, shaped them into who they are today. Instead of envying, be happy they had an influence.
Challenge the thought. She was prettier, he loved her more. What’s the actual evidence? Your partner is with you. They chose you, not the ex.
Jealousy is a feeling not a fact. One of the best descriptions I’ve heard is that it’s like an alarm going off when there’s no fire.
Spend time doing things that make you feel good about yourself. Work on your self-worth. Do what makes you feel competent, attractive and interesting. Mix with people who treat you well. The more secure you feel, the less you’ll need your partner’s approval.
Ask for what you need – once. It’s fine to say to your partner, ‘I’m struggling with this and I’d like some reassurance’. It isn’t fair to demand reassurance daily. Turn it around so it’s about you not them: ‘Are you happy with me?' not 'Were you happier with her?'.
Stop interrogating: this is a MUST. Each question feeds the obsession and gives you something new to fret about. Make a rule that you won’t ask questions for a set period – one month. If you’re tempted, write the question down to ask when the month is over. Usually, the urge passes.
Stop snooping: another must. Unfollow, mute or block ex accounts. Set the same rule: no looking for or through anything for one month. The less you feed this obsession, the weaker it gets.
Get some therapy if it won’t go away. Cognitive behavioural therapy is particularly effective for obsessive thinking. If the thoughts are intrusive, relentless and affecting your sleep, work or relationship, get some help.